Stickers Here, Stickers There

One Princeton University laboratory notebook?


CHECK!


One female midriff in Pennsylvania?


CHECK!


I think we’ve officially made it, people.

Needless to say, if you send it on in, we’ll post it on up! And if it’s good enough, there might even be a little FREE T-SHIRT action in it for ya*…

*Current EL Street Team members are not eligible for a free t-shirt.

No 9

Well, as has been reported by every New York-centric human interest paper, magazine and website, the number 9 train does not exist today. And that's fine with me. It skipped my stop more times than I'd care to remember, honestly. So good riddance. Long live the 1!!!!!!1

Whilst reading up on this, Gothamist pointed me towards this website, which goes into subways in sometimes nerdy detail. But if you're like me and you're fascinated enough by the NYC subway to read first-person descriptions of a day in the life of various MTA employees despite the fact that you're not 100% familiar with all the terminology they use, then you'll love this.

Exchange I've Had Four Times Already In The Past Hour

Me: Good morning!

Them: Hi.

Me: How was your weekend?

Them: Good. Not long enough!

Me: Yup.

Them: Can't wait till the 4th of July!

Me: Right. So instead of trying to make the most out of each and every day, you've decided to pathetically countdown the days until one measly day off during which you're probably just going to watch TV during anyway?

Them: You're fired.

Those last two lines I made up.

Happy Back From Memorial Day Weekend Day!

Now everyone, be productive members of society! Come on, spit-spot, back to work!

Groan.

EL in the New York Times

I'm a little drunk right now, so please forgive me any spelling errors. BUT, Elephant Larry is in today's (Friday's) New York Times. Go to the Weekend section, and check listings for a whole blurb/picture combo.

In the meantime, you can check out this link, or if you don't have a Times login, check out the text below. I should have a scan up by Monday:

ELEPHANT LARRY "We pursue understanding beyond the limitations of existing knowledge, ideology and disciplinary structure," the mission statement of Cornell University says, and five of its former students seem to have absorbed that methodology, in a fun-house-mirror sort of way. The five, who met at the campus and are now in their mid-20's, constitute the sketch-comedy troupe Elephant Larry, and they have been selling out "Boom," their Saturday night show at the People's Improv Theater, since early April with a hilarious multimedia mix of the deadpan and the maniacal. The sketches call to mind, variously, Monty Python, Kids in the Hall and Second City, yet they don't feel like knockoffs. Perhaps that's because they ricochet fearlessly from subtly savvy to aggressively lowbrow. In the latter category are a sketch in which Frankenstein's monster makes his own monster and another called "Goblins America" with the troupe in ridiculous masks, singing a ribald song to the tune of "God Bless America." Geoff Haggerty, who founded Elephant Larry three years ago with Chris Principe, Jeff Solomon, Stefan Lawrence and Alexander Zalben, said that "Goblins," like much of the troupe's material, came about through serendipity: somebody made a reference to the patriotic song, somebody else misheard him, and by the time the riffing was done they had a sketch. As for the subtle stuff, Mr. Principe and Mr. Haggerty (above in goggles with Mr. Solomon, left; Mr. Zalben, with bucket; and Mr. Lawrence) show a knack for respecting the audience's intelligence with a droll sketch in which they are 19th-century fellows who can't remember what year it is; the references they drop will wake up all those brain cells that have been dormant since your high school history final. Oh, and don't expect much time to catch your breath during "Boom": the quintet covers its costume changes with nutty film clips. (People's Improv Theater, 154 West 29th Street; (212) 563-7488.) NEIL GENZLINGER

Oh, Great Job, Scientists. GREAT Job.

I'm not going to make a "and we still haven't cured cancer" comment here, because there's a lot of things we haven't cured, so shut up.

But scientists from the Rambam Medical Center in Haifa, Israel have discovered the sarcasm center of the brain.

Here's the important part of the article, if'n you're interested:

Researchers studied 25 participants with damage to their prefrontal lobes, 16 participants with damage in the posterior lobes, and 17 healthy controls. They assessed people's ability to understand someone else's emotional state by testing how well they could recognise different facial expressions and tone of voice.

To determine if participants understood sarcasm, researchers read a sarcastic and non-sarcastic version of a story and asked participants what the speaker meant in each situation.

Long story short, the sarcasm center is in your prefrontal lobe, and processing sarcasm is a combination of both basic language understanding and emotional understanding. Which I could have told them, if they had just asked.

But more importantly than all that, I desperately want to watch video of scientists sarcastically reading a story to patients with brain damage.

On a related topic, I wonder, if I went around punching people in the forehead, if they'd like me more, or stop understanding me altogether?

Via Austinist. The picture up top is from
The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton.

Sagging Battery

Just found this on Songlines (mentioned a few weeks back) and thought I’d share:

As many as a thousand New Yorkers, victims of an elaborate practical joke, showed up on the corner of Spring and Bowery in August 1824, ready to take part in a project that would saw Manhattan off its bedrock so that the island could be reversed and the "sagging" Battery connected to the Bronx.

Of course, some half-assed research ensued:

The sawing off of Manhattan Island is an ancient New York City story that is largely unverified. It describes a practical joke allegedly perpetuated in 1824 by a retired ship carpenter named Lozier. According to the story, in the 1820s a rumor began circulating among city merchants that southern Manhattan Island was sinking near the Battery due to the weight of the urban district. It was believed that by cutting the island, towing it out, rotating it 180 degrees, and putting it back in place that Manhattan would be stabilized, and that the thin part of the island could be condemned. Surprisingly the main concern was not the futility of the idea but of Long Island being in the way. Lozier finally assembled a large workforce and logistical support. At a massive groundbreaking ceremony, Lozier did not show up but hid in Brooklyn and did not return for months.

You Got ScreenHead'd

Check it out! "Baby, Fix That Fusebox!" is on today's Screenhead, which, FYI, is the short film arm of Gawker.

Word up, and thanks for the linkage, Screenhead!

Update! Also on Milk & Cookies.


Update Again! Also on Red Nose Net.

EL @ The Funny 2nite

Tonight we're competing in our second bout at The Funny Comedy Competition against Cubicle, who we met a few weeks ago and were super-nice. You can ALSO ctach Pigloo versus Mini Red Satan! Hooray!

In any case, should be a fun time (the last show certainly was), and as a bonus, they'll be announcing at the end of the show which of the eight sketch groups involved go on to the Finals.

So come! Vote! Enjoy!
*******************
EL @ THE FUNNY COMEDY COMPETITION
May 26 - 8:00 PM

National Comedy Theatre
347 W. 36th Street
btwn. 8th and 9th Aves.

Tickets: $9

Buy online:
http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/111056
More info:
http://www.thefunnynyc.com/

Times I Have Been Hit By A Moving Vehicle

1) December 2003. I was walking in the Chelsea/Midtown area during a snowstorm. It was quite lovely, all the new beautiful snow falling on the ground in the dark night. Very poetic, not at all foreshadowing my being hit by a car.

As I was crossing the street with the light, a car was making a left turn, also with the light. Obviously I had the right of way, but that didn't matter cuz I didn't see the car and the lady in the car couldn't see me until the last minute, when she slammed on the brakes. But snow does funny things to tires, such as not let them stop. My last thought before being nudged in the hip and tossed lightly onto the hood of the car was finally looking down and to the side at the car suddenly next to me and thinking "Thank goodness it stopped in time!" People think stupid things.

2) This past Friday. I was crossing 6th Avenue and Houston Street, an intersection I hate, Hate, HATE. For some reason the people making the right up 6th are always taking the turn like a banshee, if banshees could drive.

Again I had the light in my favor and again it was a vehicle, this time a huge private bus making a turn. Except this time the bus clearly saw me, as I was carrying a huge laundry basket in the middle of the day. The extremely patient bus driver waited as long as he possibly could without directly running me down and as soon as I passed, gunned the engine. The side of the bus thus jutted out and pushed me and my laundry the rest of the way across the street. A guy on a bike and a woman on a bench told me to sue, but I don't think I'm going to.

First a car, then a bus. I am making my way up in the vehicles-hit-by world. I hope to have been hit by a dumptruck, a helicopter and a space shuttle by the end of the decade. Wish me luck!

Ven Diagram

Circle 1: I am a baseball nerd. One of the websites I visit to nurture my baseball nerdiness is the Baseball Think Factory, which is really fantastic if you love baseball and sarcastic, sarcastic comments.

Circle 2: I am a comedy nerd. One of the websites I visit to nurture my comedy nerdiness is McSweeney's, which has some of the smartest, funniest stuff I've ever seen. I've submitted a couple of things, because I think I'm cool or something.

Intersection: Baseball Think Factory's McSweeney's Thread, Post #27

PS Every other submission I've made to McSweeney's has involved baseball. Weird.

PPS (Visual Representation of a Ven Diagram with clouds and stamps substituted for comedy and baseball)

Vote For Us!

http://baldalienpimp.com/ECNY/voting_form_05.html

Voting has begun for the third annual Emerging Comics of New York Awards... As mentioned below, EL has been nominated in four categories! Well, sort of, if we incorporate Monica AS PART OF OUR VERY SELF.

Anyway. We understand that all ya blog readers may not see as much comedy as we do, so we thought we'd make some recommendations.

Caveat #1: You don't actually have to vote in every category. Just enter your e-mail, and vote whatever you like.

Caveat #2: These are just some people/groups/shows we've seen and liked. That doesn't mean anyone else is bad. In fact, they're all pretty good.

On with the noms!

Best Sketch Group: Elephant Larry
Best Stand-Up (Female): Kristen Schaal
Best Stand-Up (Male): Liam McEneaney
Best Comedic Duo: Becky and Noelle
Best Improv Group: Mother
Best Musical Comedy Act: Flight of the Concords/Freestyle Love Supreme
Best Short Comedic Film: Baby, Fix That Fusebox!
Best One Person Show: Theme Park Superstar
Best Director: Kevin Scott
Best Variety Show: Hot Tub
Best Host of a Variety Show or Comedic Event: Jon Friedman - The Rejection Show
Best Comedy Writer: Chris Rozzi
Best Comedic Website: channel102.net
Best Technician: Monica Hill
Most fucked up thing I saw this year: Meat "Bush shitting in mouth"
Best Flyer: Elephant Larry
Best Venue: The Tank

http://baldalienpimp.com/ECNY/voting_form_05.html

ECNY Nominations Are Up!

Elephant Larry has been nominated for ECNY Awards in the below categories, and voting starts tomorrow, so we'll be sure to let ya know then (along with some further recs in the other categories):

- Best Sketch Comedy Group
- Best Short Comedic Film (Baby, Fix That Fusebox)
- Best Technician (Monica Hill)
- Best Flyer

Thanks to everyone who nominated us! In the meantime, check out all the rest of the nominees.

Yesterday, I had Shepard’s Pie for lunch.

So you know, I experienced a sincere moment of reluctance before writing that sentence. I guess I’m both embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I ate Shepard’s Pie. And until now, I don’t think I really knew that about myself.

What an exciting moment of self-discovery.

If you don’t know what Shepard’s Pie is, then hey, we should get together sometime and talk about it, ‘cause I’ve eaten it twice in the last week, and I’m still not totally sure what it is. But by now, all those context clues should have told you that Shepard’s Pie is one of those not-really-a-pie pies. Like Meat Pie. Or Mince-Meat Pie, maybe.

From what I could tell, Shepard’s Pie is just ground beef, melted cheese, and mashed potatoes all sorta mixed up and baked together until it melts and congeals into one thing that you eat. It doesn’t sound good, and it doesn’t look good. But yesterday, having grown sick of every other Whole Foods lunchtime option, I was desperate.

Turns out, Shepard’s Pie is pretty good. Almost very good, actually. In my family, we would call it nyun-nyun. Like grilled cheese and warm chicken soup. Those are nyun-nyun. A blanket or a soft sweater can be nyun-nyun too, but that doesn’t mean you should eat them. It makes sense that Shepard’s Pie would be nyun-nyun, as two of its three main ingredients are, essentially, nyun-nyun.

But any enjoyment aside, I was happy to see that Whole Foods was just as embarrassed by the mounds of Shepard's Pie they serve every day. Check out how they label it:



That’s a little blurry, so I’ll type it out:

BEEF FEATURE #4, HOT

Mmmm...taxonomy. Best served awkward.

Avoiding Confusion

OK, I know our name is Larry. And I know there are such things as Indian Elephants. But please do not mistake us for motorcycle man Indian Larry. Main differences of note:

Indian Larry's influences include "50's - 60's motorcycle clubs", Ed "Big Daddy" Roth and the legendary Von Dutch. Elephant Larry's influences include the Kids in the Hall and cartoons.

Indian Larry originated the hard-core motorcycle style and appeared in Robert Redford's Quiz Show. Elephant Larry didn't do either of those.

Indian Larry can be found around beautiful women, tattoos, motorcycles, and the Coney Island Polar Bear Club. Elephant Larry can be found around nerds.

What it comes down to is this. Elephant Larry does sketch comedy. Indian Larry has something to do with motorcycles.

Afternoon Delight

SELF-REFERENTIAL APTITUDE TEST - I can't even begin to approach doing this. Not without my morning coffee, at least! HA HA!

Get Perpendicular - Hitachi's hilarious training video. Actually really well done and informative.

Crying While Eating - Part of the Contagious Media contest being held, to find out who can make the most viral website. This one is stomping on everybody else, and you can probably see why.

Kung Fu Hustle

NOT FNEH!

What a fun movie. I am buying it when it comes out on DVD. And I don't buy anything. THAT'S how good it was.

9/10. Whoo!

Love, Hate, Star, Wars

As mentioned and mentioned and mentioned before, this weekend EL & company saw Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith at the beautiful Ziegfeld Theatre on 54th street. Though I doubt there’s a bad seat in the house, we lined up outside together anyway for about an hour or so, hoping to get the good ones (which we did).

Stefan, of course, brought his lightsaber.




Now, an hour’s a pretty long time to be standing around doing nothing. So we were forced to find creative ways to pass the time. Turns out, you can have lots of fun with your friends, a camera, and a sharpie.


Stefan “lightsaber boner” Lawrence



Stefan “heightening at the expense of his friend, Jay” Lawrence



Darth Burke



Chris “actually supposed to be named ‘Luke’ but got stuck with ‘Christopher’ instead” Principe



Marni “there’s a good definition of Sith here” Sussman



Alex “knuckles” Zalben



Jeff “Chris didn’t get that this joke was actually based on Jeff’s name until the next day” Solomon



Monica “can you guess what it says?” Hill


And, perhaps, my favorite photo of the evening...



...good luck fallin' asleep tonight, ladies.

The Lost Art Of The Song Parody

Here is one I read at a meeting, everyone laughed at and then agreed we could never, ever perform it on stage. Here goes!

(Summer of 2004. Four dudes mope on stage)

Jenkins: Hey guys, ya wanna go to the Yankee game Sunday? I got tickets! (they all mumble) Any luck closing that Fergusson deal, O’Malley?

O’Malley: Nothing.

Jenkins: (sighs) You guys, the Knicks traded away Dikembe Mutumbo two weeks ago.

Rogers: It seems like it just happened!

Goldberg: Why would they do this to me?

Jenkins: I’m sure they didn’t do it to you Goldberg.

Boss: Jamal Crawford sucks. He sucks and he…sucks.

O’Malley: It meant more than that.

Boss: You know it meant more than that, Jenkins!

Jenkins: I know, I’m sorry.

Rogers: Now who’s gonna clog up the lane?

Goldberg: And perform safe, high-percentage two-handed jams?

O’Malley: And speak nine languages!

Jenkins: You guys! We can still follow his career!

Rogers: Really?

Jenkins: Sure! When the Knicks front office turns its back on you, you turn your back on the Knicks front office.

Goldberg: Hey. He’s right!

(to the tune of “Hakuna Matata”, from The Lion King)

Jenkins: Dikembe Mutumbo! What a wonderful Knick!
Goldberg: Dikembe Mutumbo! His shot-blocking’s sick!
O’Malley: He played great defense and shot occasional bricks!
Jenkins: Now you’ve got it!
Rogers and Boss: Now we all will pull for the Chicago Bulls!
Jenkins: Dikembe Mutumbo.

O’Malley: Dikembe Mutumbo? What’s that?

Jenkins: He’s the basketball player we’ve been talking about all along. Are you feeling OK O’Malley?

O’Malley: Oh yeah…I’m fine, sorry about that.

Jenkins: Why! When he was a Philadelphia 76er!
Boss: When he was a Philadelphia 76er! (Jenkins: Very nice. Boss: Thanks)
Jenkins: He led his team to the NBA Finals
Despite nagging injuries both ventral and spinal
Goldberg: He was 35 years old! And had to guard Shaq.
And he sucked! But gave his all with every hack!

Jenkins: And oh the shame! Rogers: He was ashamed!
Jenkins: Overall game was lame! Rogers: Gave up 149 points!
Jenkins: Traded for cigarettes! Rogers: Keith Van Horn and Todd MacCulloch
Jenkins: To the New Jersey-

Boss: Jenkins, not in front of the kids!

Jenkins: Oh. Sorry.

All: Dikembe Mutumbo! What a wonderful Knick!
Dikembe Mutumbo! His shot-blocking was sick!
O’M: In fantasy b-ball! He’s always my #1 pick!
Jenkins: Yeah, sing it Chris!
All: From Kinshasa Zaire, but now he’s playing here
Jenkins: Dikembe Mutumbo!

The Apiary

Here's a fun Monday morning read for you comedy obsessed losers (which I count myself in your numbers). Someone has taken it upon themselves to make a blog devoted only to the NYC comedy scene, but in the style of an obsessed celebrity magazine. As they say, "Kinda like the US Weekly of NYC comedy."

The Apiary

So if you know someone on the New York comedy scene, ARE someone on the New York comedy scene, or want to be way too familiar with the New York comedy scene, this is probably the blog for you.

Hope they keep it up, could become a pretty cool fixture.

Star Wars III Review!

Hey gang, we all went to see Star Wars 3 last night! I'm sure the rest of the guys will want to blog about it, but I got so fired up I thought I'd give you my capsule review:

Awful. Absolutely, completely awful. Also, terrible. And bad.

Okay, tune back later to get everybody else's thoughts!

MonsterTrucks, Beer, Football, 'n Bitches

Talk to enough New Yorkers about real estate and living conditions, and it seems that everybody already has a dream-building, street, or apartment all picked out and ready-to-share.

My personal residential fantasy is this sweet, triangular-ish building in the East Village, right where Stuyvesant Place meets 10th Street. I like how it strays from the oppressive Manhattan grid, and has these huge bay windows that overlook a small triangular garden and St. Marks Church on the Bowery just down the block.

But here’s my favorite part: right next to the main stairway, there’s this huge vine-of-a-plant that creeps up the entire southern side of the building. My biologist-friend Erika says it’s wisteria, and every May it blooms with these bright bunches of hanging, purple flowers that look like this:



Which brings me to the point of this post.

Yesterday I was walking through the West Village, making my way up to EL rehearsal. I had just gotten a hotdog at Papaya King where they were blasting that stupid Wham! song, Careless Whispers (You know it: And I’m never gonna dance again...guilty feet ain’t got no rhythm…) and I was all frustrated and confused over why good songs never get stuck in my head, when all of a sudden I look up to see the biggest, most beautiful patch of wisteria I’d ever encountered. Seriously, the wisteria over on my dream-building had lost all its flowers a week ago, but even at full bloom it couldn’t touch this. I even took some pictures:



This vine was so big, it actually leapt out from the building wall and took over an entire tree.



But it doesn't stop there. You see all those people down at the bottom of the picture looking into that window? Can you guess what they were looking at?

PUPPIES.

They were looking at motherfucking puppies, because right under that amazing wisteria was a motherfucking puppy shop.

So there I am, standing in the West Village, bunches and bunches of beautiful wisteria flowers dangling around me, and I’m about to take a hundred pictures of all those stupid adorable puppies, all the time humming this goddamn George Michael song that won’t get out of my head when I glance up at the street sign on the corner to see exactly where the hell on Earth I was, and that’s precisely when I realized that God definitely does exist and has a strange, strange sense of humor.

Had John Mayer been there too, I can't say that I wouldn't have kissed him.

Yankees vs. Mets

That's right folks! It all kicks off tonight as two TREMENDOUS disappointments take the mound: Victor Zambrano, who symbolizes one of the worst trades in sports history and Kevin Brown, who symbolizes the worst choke in sports history. Should be quite the pitcher's duel.

OK, I have a confession. I used to root for the Mets. Yes, yes, it's true. Along with Don Mattingly, I loved Keith Hernandez. I wanted to play second base like Tim Teufel. I even rooted for the Mets to win the World Series in 1986. I was the cutest little front-runner you ever did see.

It all turned around while watching a Met game with my Met-hating aunt the next year. I bet her that the Mets would win that day, against the Atlanta Braves. Three dollars I bet her, which was a lot for a six-year old. They lost. They lost and my aunt made me pay (which tells you something about my aunt). That was when she started turning me...the Mets lost it for you...lost you three dollars...that's like a whole He-Man action figure, gone....because of the Mets...the Mets...Mets....Me...ts...and that was the end of my Met tolerance.

While I'm in the spirit of confession, I will also reveal that there is a picture of me out there somewhere wearing a Red Sox cap and jersey. Smiling.

::shudder::

Yup, They're Back (Alright!)

Though Alex & Stefan are probably already geeking out a little too much with the whole movie thing tonight, they might also find this noteworthy.

Relevant/Radical

Embarrassing Things That Might Happen To You While Using A Lightsaber

&

On The Impausibility Of The Death Star's Trash Compactor.

Uh oh...Can you guess what film EL’s seeing tonight?

Plug, Plug, Plug, Plug it Up!

Because I'm obsessed with letting you know about every little tiny mention of Elephant Larry:

Gothamist on SketchFest NYC

And because this is somewhat related, and I will write more about it next week:

Celebutantes
Wednesday, May 25th - 9:30PM
$5
@UCB Theater

It Places The Lotion In The Basket...

That's so weird! I did this exact same thing the other day.

The Funny

If you're looking to go see some comedy tonight, but don't want to see Elephant Larry, then you're in luck, you jerk. Go get grab some dinner at White Castle and check out The Funny, just around the corner from Madison Square Garden.

EL won't be performing this week, but you will be able to see other groups involved in the fierce competition that is sketch comedy. Tonight, MEAT goes up against A Week of Kindness, and The Greatest Show on Earth battles Dawghaus.

RAR!

Please Don't Make Me Think About My Mortality

I always wonder if I pay more attention to advertising than most. Whenever I see a poster or a commercial, my first thought is usually "Was that effective? Was it funny?" I dunno why I think this, though it may be a defense to thinking "I want that!" or "That chimp was funny, I want that hat he was wearing!"

Anyway, I have a theory that effective advertising should not include any negative elements at all. Advertising should be all positive, so you don't accidentally have your mark (what do adveritisers call us? Targets? Idiots? Probably something that wouldn't make us feel very good) associate something negative with your product. For example, it drives me crazy when I see a car commercial that shows the person driving their car instead of, say, giving a report. This car is not good! It prevented this person from doing their job effectively. Do not get this car.

Which brings me, finally, to my reason for posting. Some advertising slogans are just creepy, like the one I heard at the end of the Mets game just now: "Croton...quite possible the last watch you'll ever own."

Croton is letting me know that I am going to die. Jesus Christ! Don't remind me of this! I'm trying to listen to a baseball game! Hopefully I have fiftyish years left on the planet. I do not want to be thinkingof dying! Please! Now I'm not going to buy your watch, because it will remind me that I am definitely, definitely going to die.

This one reminds me of another one: "Trust Sleepy's...for the rest of your life." This is not as bad, but still pretty creepy. It's a pun on "rest", since Sleepy's sells mattresses...but for the life of me it sounds like they are adveritising the fact that you will die, probably on one of their mattresses.

Anyway, here is my favorite commerical ever, probably.

Store Wars

This Organic Foods themed Star Wars movie is kind of funny at times, but it has some serious logical inconsistencies:

Grocery Store Wars

For example: Why is a cannoli hawking organic produce?

Half-Assynesthesia

I had raw oysters for the first time ever last night, and I don’t think I’ll ever actively seek them out again. However, I did enjoy them for one reason: they tasted like the sensation of swimming underwater in the ocean.

At the time, I knew there was a word to kinda describe this, but I couldn’t think of it until this morning. It’s called synesthesia, and according to this article from a few years back, it’s an unusual phenomenon whereby people experience different senses blending into one another.

Now I’m not claiming to have synesthesia or anything, though I really, really wish I did. I read somewhere that John Mayer has it, and who doesn’t wanna be like John Mayer?

In truth, the oyster thing was probably more of a half-ass-synesthesiac experience, and I’m sure it’s similar to something that all of you (my fellow non-mutants) may have also experienced in one form or another.

But in any case, I definitely wish I could feel synesthesia more often. How cool would it be to eat cookies and taste what a barn looks like? Or to smell a flower and feel like your petting puppies? Yeah. That’d be nice. Who doesn’t like petting puppies? I read somewhere that John Mayer doesn’t.

Which reminds me: I like John Mayer. So there! I said it. He’s a great guitarist, a solid song writer, and a smart and funny guy. Now, I’m not gay, and I'm not in love with him or anything (many of his songs are cheesy and overproduced) but given how much I don’t like people back-lashing against a musician just because he's mainstream, I might even be convinced to kiss John Mayer. ‘Cause when you kiss people with synesthesia, they might see rainbows. And I think that’d be cool. To make John Mayer see a rainbow.

Yeah.

Maybe I should have kept that to myself.

Awesome? Very.

As usual, The A.V. Club delivers once again this week, featuring a solid interview with Martin Short.

Around the Square!

If you've spoken to me at some point over the last 2 years, it's quite possible that I've talked to you about how I'm working on a solo record. Turns out I wasn't lying!

My first record, "Around the Square," is finally finished, and you can hear the whole thing online!

www.jeffsolomonmusic.com, now with streamin' audio.

Site design by the two and only Stefan and Alex!

Stefan also designed the cover:

5 Pertinent Facts!

1) There's a lot of ukulele on this record. It's my favorite.

2) My producer is a wonder-dude named Andrew Felluss, who's engineered on projects with Paul Simon, The Neptunes, DMX, Jay-Z, Mary J. Blige, and Ray Charles (he worked on his final record which won all them Grammys!). And now he's adding my name to his list, so he can, ya know, gain some recognition. Har har.

3) You can buy the CD online if you like it (or even if you hate it)! That way, you get your ukulele rockin' in full stereo (you only get mono sound online), plus you can see the rest of Stefan's neat packaging.

4) There will be a release party very soon.

5) If you like my site, you may also like my friend's site.

Hey!

In 1996 I went to borough hall. There I witnessed a press conference that signaled the end of New York City dumping all of its garbage in the Staten Island Dump, effective 1999. It was a grand occassion, with well over fifteen people in the room. And now this?!

It's actually no big deal. Though if you read all the way through, you will see that there is a plan to turn the visible-from-space pile of garbage into "a sprawling recreation area for noxious-fume golf, mountains of garbage biking and even mutant-horse riding." I have re-imagined this sentence a bit.

This has been your daily Staten Island update! (I promise I won't post about Staten Island for the next three months).

Sketch Group Class

So I'm teaching another class at The PIT, with a different focus... I've copied the description below, but to give you the inside scoop: I'm trying to create a sketch group to destroy Elephant Larry from within! Don't let them know!
****************
Sketch Group

Want to learn how to put together a sketch show, but don't have a group? Then this is the class for you! Half of the class will be performers; the other half will be writers. Together, you'll work from the page to the stage, creating an entirely original hour of sketches, culminating in a run of your show at The PIT! Both performers and writers will be an integral part of the entire creative process, as actors will be present to read scripts in the first three weeks of class, and writers will be present to revise scripts for the second three weeks of the class. Students looking to both perform and write should talk to The PIT office.

June 19 to July 31 (6 weeks, no class July 3)
Sundays, 3-6 pm
Location: The PIT Gallery
Prerequisite: None
$300
Call 212 563 7488 or email The PIT to register.

http://thepit-nyc.com/classes.html#az

Satchels and Cubbies

This weekend I stumbled into one of my neighborhood’s many, many record stores looking to kill some time. I placed my satchel (yeah, that’s right, satchel) in one of the cubbies and headed on in, only to have the record store guy shout after me, “Hey!” and point down at the delicious, delicious ice coffee in my hand. “Can you leave that back here?”

“Sure,” I said, and walked back, placing the drink in the cubby next to my satchel. Then I looked up at him slightly angry, very seriously and said, “Just don’t drink any of it.”

You see, in that moment, for some reason I thought it would be kinda funny for a guy to not wanna leave his drink at the front of a store, not because he wanted to keep drinking it himself, but because he was paranoid about other people drinking it.

But yeah, I guess that sometimes I forget that other people can’t actually see into my brain, and by enacting such hilarious “what-if” scenes in reality, you come across as, well, FUCKING CRAZY.

Or possibly flirtatious, as I think this record store guy thought. In response, he just glared back down at me without saying a word. So, instead of breaking a smile to indicate "Chill out dude, I was kidding," I just went with it, holding my serious “Don’t touch that coffee, motherfucker” gaze and went to browse some ABBA records.

I guess that’s one of the benefits of being a sketch comedian. Whenever anyone cops a “What the fuck is wrong with you?” attitude, 9 out of 10 times I'm able to reply: “This is exactly what the fuck is wrong with me.”

And then, of course, I dance my jig.

The Rejection Show

VERY nice article in the Daily News concerning one Mr. Jon Friedman's Rejection Show.

Not sure if you all know this as it may have been pre-blog (I know, it is hard to remember such a time), but EL actually performed in the Rejection Show last year. We did a little ditty called "If Dogs Ruled..." and it was all about what would happen if dogs ruled the world. To ruin the sketch for ya, basically the only thing that would happen is that all numbers would be multiplied by 7 (to account for dog years) and the prefix "dog" would be placed before all words. I'd post the script here, but there's a reason we performed it a show called "The Rejection Show."

One particularly embarassing (embarassing because I co-wrote it) line is uttered by Jeff: "Yes. I mean no. Wait. I don't remember. It doesn't matter. Why would I want to bring children into this terrible dog world?" Not to say that it's not a funny line (in context), but it's a line that includes, not one, not two, not three, but SIX sentences. That is what we call clunky, friends!

Speaking of clunky, I used a lot of parentheses in this post.

Monday = Punday

Or at least it does today. I was just doing some online pun research and stumbled across a good one, hopefully worth sharing:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Staten Island

Article in the Times about the long, slow overhaul of the ferry terminals. My favorite part is the story behind why the neighborhood around the Staten Island side is called the St. George Ferry Terminal:

As part of an effort to consolidate several ferry ports in 1886, a flamboyant developer named Erastus Wiman needed to renew a lease from a businessman named George Law. Said Mr. Wiman to Mr. Law: If you lease it again, I'll canonize you.

"And when the terminal came together, Wiman called it St. George," Mr. Dickenson said, adding that the tale was "probably true."

This reminds me of the story behind why Staten Island is part of New York instead of the more geographically logical choice, New Jersey: New York won a boat race. This, similarly, might not be true. Though this posting from seven years ago seems to agree with me (last entry, at the bottom).

There, I gave you your Staten Island fix for the day! You're welcome!

This One Is Also For Stefan

Arial, Mon Amour, and Other Font Passions

We're Back, Baby!

Okay, mostly back. In fact, the website might not show up for another couple of days on some computers. But as of now, you can e-mail us at info@elephantlarry.com again, and more importantly? Check out the, new, improved, but rather light on content:

ElephantLarry.com

This One's For Stefan

Tools or Actions in Photoshop That, Were They Applicable to Real Life, Would Prove Useful at Various Stages of a Relationship.

Could I Eat All That?

That's the name of the new game I just invented.

The best part about this game is that you can play it anywhere. For example, WholeFoods is pretty fun, especially while you’re waiting on one of their insanely-long-though-quickly-moving check out lines. Just look at one of their carefully arranged food displays and ask yourself, “Could I Eat All That?”

Hey. Look. It’s a basket of 40 baguettes. Could I Eat All That? (Maybe.)

Hey. What about all of those olives in that olive bar? Could I Eat All That? (Oh yeah, yeah definitely.)

How about all of those delicious soups right there? Could I Eat All That? (Of course!)

And you don’t even have to limit it to food. Take a trip to the hardware store (A sheet of sand paper? Hm…). Or just take a stroll down the street! (Just look at that cute little newborn baby. Could I Eat All That?)

And please feel free to personalize it. Sometimes, I like to add “before” clauses, just to shake things up. For example:

Hey. Could I Eat All That? ...Before Dying?

And:

Hm. Could I Eat All That? ...Before Midnight?

Or maybe:

Hey. Could I Eat All That? ...Before Being Arrested?

Some related games:

Could I Drink All That?
How Much Of That Could I Eat?
Could I Beat Up That?

Enjoy! And please let it be noted that I could definitely, definitely, definitely eat an entire newborn baby. One hour, cooked. Three hours, raw.

Elephant Larry Goes BOOM This Week!

Look! I'm reposting our e-mail from this week! To serve as a reminder! That you should definitely come to see the show this Saturday! PLEASE!!! AH, GOD! PLEASE SEE THE SHOW! AH, SWEET CHRIST! ZOMBIES ARE EATING MY LEGS! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Nah, I'm kidding. Here's the e-mail!

*******************
NOTE! The Elephant Larry website is temporarily down. As a result, our regular email account (info@elephantlarry.com) is down as well, so we are using alternate email addresses until service is restored. Please reply to this email with any inquiries and do not write to info@elephantlarry.com until our website is up again, which should be in another week or so. Also, a small number of mailing list updates may have been lost in the fray, so if you are receiving this email at an old account that you've changed with us over the last few months, please let us know and we will update your address for real this time. Elephant Larry apologizes and cries a little bit for this inconvenience.
*******************

Time to open your presents, Elephans!

Let's see, what it could be... a new summer coat? Or a new summer parka? Nope, it's 2 MORE BOOM SHOWS IN JUNE!

We've been extended! See below for the new dates!

Tickets for this Saturday are going fast, so make sure to pick yours up online today! http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1049

As you might have guessed from our website crash, we've had a bit of trouble getting the word out about BOOM this week, so do us Elephants a huge favor and spread the word to your friends, foes and cubicle-mates. We'll be in your debt.*

*******************
Elephant Larry presents

BOOM

May 14, 21, 28
EXTENDED INTO JUNE! June 4 and 18
Saturdays at 9:00 PM

@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Ave's.)

Tickets: $8

Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1049
Get 'em o'er the phone (NEW #): (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488

http://www.elephantlarry.com will be up again in about a week!
*******************

See you Saturday!

File not found,

Jeff Solomon
Elephant Larry
Recently fired from IT Dept.

* (As for repaying that debt, I'm pretty sure I overheard Stefan saying something about making you pancakes or muffins... Or maybe it was Alex... Or me... Maybe I'll make you pancakes or muffins or panmuffins. Please help.)


*******************
Due to our recent technical problems, it is possible that some recently unsubscribed list members may be receiving messages again. We apologize for this inconvenience.

To unsubscribe from this list, please reply to the message with the word "unsubscribe" in the subject line and we will remove you ASAP!

More Free Stuff

Vices have been good to me recently. First it was beer giving me all manners of cool things . Now it's cigarettes.

So I was hanging out with my SO Jenn on a Wednesday at a bar again, because at this point it's a tradition. The only difference was Chris was with us this time. And it was a different bar. And there was no Yankee game on in the background to distract me. OK, so there were a lot of differences. But they were mostly minor.

Anyway, a man who we later learned worked for a cigarette company came up to us and asked us if we'd like a very slick, cool-looking cigarette lighter. Of course we would, we responded! Well all you have to do is answer some questions, so his company has a better idea of its customers, he said! Sounds easily, we shot back! And that was it. No beer-tasting, no cigarette-comparing, no nothing. Just a cool cigarette lighter for us all, and a happy memory to share!

Oh wait, there was one thing. He SCANNED OUR DRIVERS LICENCES.

You see, he had this crazy PSP-shaped doohickey on which he wrote and recorded all our information with a stylus. Also included in this doohickey was a very futurstic looking alternating green/red light which scanned our driver's licences and, I can only assume, stole our identities. He said it was for data purposes. Mm-hmm.

We all agreed that it was a bad idea in retrospect, and when he got to the part of the "study" which involved directly recording information off the most important government-issued ID we had, we should have politely declined. But hey, at least we have cool cigarette lighters. Even though I don't smoke. Sigh.

Under "Siege"

Today we're recording a horn section at the studio. Five minutes after we started, I discovered a happy squirrel playing with some wires in the control room.

I alerted my boss, and he made an executive decision to press on with the recording session. All musicians were instructed to hide their acorns.

(30 minutes later, the squirrel seems to have disappeared, though it was not seen leaving the control room. We are assuming for the moment that the squirrel is still at large, though possibly in hiding.)

I will update further as events warrant.

Trailer Friday

Before we get into the future movies, let me take a moment and state that I, personally, am very excited for the opening of Unleashed today... It's not gonna get good reviews, but when Luc Besson makes an action movie, it's generally unlike anything you've seen before. The Fifth Element, for example, is totally ridiculous and over the top, but also gets more interesting the more times you watch it.

Plus, Jet Li is awesome, and it's from the director of The Transporter, one of the best action films I've ever seen.

Anyway. On with the massive amounts of trailers.

Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire - This is an awesome, awesome teaser. It does absolutely everything a teaser should do. Reminds us of the previous movies, shows us how this one is different, and gives us some totally giddy, excitement inducing footage. I was a little worried about this movie, but now I can't wait to see it. How many fourth movies in a series have YOU been excited to see? Well, besides Leprechaun in Space.

The Chronicles of Narnia - Um, not so much. It's from the director of Shrek, so everything seems to be nice and evenly lit. And I'm sure at some point, Aslan will fart, and then everybody will dance to "Tubthumping." Seriously, though, "Lion the Witch, and the Wardrobe" is the first book I ever read. When they screw this up, I'm going to murder someone.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith - There's a new trailer for this. Again, it's painfully obvious what every plot beat in this movie is. Again, I totally don't care and will see it five times.

Land of the Dead - If I had ever seen any of George Romero's films, this might not look as derivative as it does, and I'd better understand how he created this genre. It looks derivative.

The Legend of Zorro - Ah yes, the sequel we've all been clamoring for. Actually, this does look like fun, except for Baby Zorro. Who I hate.

The Dukes of Hazzard - Oh my. It sure seems like they THOUGHT there were jokes in this trailer. There aren't, by the way.

The Man - See above.

Serenity - I'm interested to hear what people think of this. I avoided watching Firefly, the series this is based on, for a long time, and when I finally did, fell in love with it. It's excellent, fun, funny... The last episodes, which they made as they were being cancelled, to try to prove to the network how good the show could be, are some of the best hours of television, ever. And the strong DVD sales got this movie made. However, I think the trailer plays too much like Direct to DVD, or a Sci-Fi Channel movie. That being said, some fan dude addresses my concerns about it, and re-cut the trailer to new music. It definitely looks like it was made on someone's computer, but it also looks kick-ass, and is a lot more fun than the real trailer. Check it out.

Me-Mail

That should be the name for when you e-mail something to yourself.

Me-Mail.

Go ahead. Verb it up, my bitches.

I imagine most of you know what I’m talking about. If you use a web-based account like g-mail, e-mailing yourself files is a fun and easy way to gain access to them pretty much anywhere, especially if you use a lot of different computers at different blah blah blahs.

Anyway. For me, the funniest thing about the whole me-mailing thing is that whenever I end up doing it—and it could be in the middle of sending myself ten or fifteen separate files or something—after pressing SEND, the little You Have New Mail indicator will pop up pretty much immediately (you know, ‘cause it’s referring to the message I just sent). And nine-out-of-ten-times, I’ll see the new message and feel this mini-wave of genuine hey-I-just-got-new-mail-and-I-wonder-what-it-says excitement. And of course, one micro-second later, I get a little sad to realize that it’s just from stupid, boring me.

Ups and downs, people. Ups and downs.

Though it might be slightly more uncommon, there should also be a name for any stupid messages included while me-mailing. For example, when sending myself a sketch or something, sometimes I'll throw in a "Hey Chris, Keep up the good work, buddy. Love, Chris." Ya know, for kicks. Sometimes it even makes me laugh later.

Back in school, Geoff used to e-mail himself reminders to do assignments he’d pushed off. A couple of times I was lucky enough to see him actually receive one the next day. It read something like:

Dear Future Geoff,

Don’t forget to write that four page human development paper.

Ha Ha!
Past Geoff

And he would read the e-mail and get genuinely frustrated with Past Geoff for procrastinating and unloading his crap on him (Future Geoff). Funny guy, that Haggerty. Probably a keeper.

Also, Geoff's a she-male.

The Metropolis Water Gap

Here's some info that probably nobody cares about.

With new Superman and Batman movies coming out, I was trying to figure out where Metropolis and Gotham were in relation to each other, especially since they're both, in a sense, New York City.

Oh, turns out I was horribly wrong.



Metropolis, as you can see, is based in Delaware. And Gotham City is in Southern New Jersey.

What?

I think it's pretty reasonable to suspect what I had, that Gotham City (which is also a nickname for NYC for goodness sake) is the dark, crime-ridden side of New York, and Metropolis is the light, bright shiny skyscraper side.

In fact, they are where they are because their creators lived there. And now that I know all this, I'm glad they named 'em that, cause Batman operating out of Millville, and Superman being the protector of Dover just wouldn't have the same ring to it.

Check out more stupid names and locations here.

These Horse-Men Are Destroying My Wood-Work

Sigh. I wish I had a camera on me. I also wish I had a website to post a picture of the truck I just saw on. For now, just this link will have to do.

Back Asswards

Okay, this is just a stupid thought that I'm posting on the blog just to get it out of my head: Sometimes when I see a car reversing down the street, I imagine that the entire world is running backwards.

That's it. Now I can stop thinking about this.

I Love Singing! Wait, no I don't.

This morning, I've been treated to a full, American Idol style, sing-a-long to "Let's Hear it For the Boy." Awesome! I honestly didn't realize anyone knew the full lyrics to that song. But you know who does now? This guy!

Two Questions:

1) Is my bigger problem the singing, or the choices of songs?

2) Is murder a crime?

Brain Post # Five Bajillion Probably

I don’t know if this happens to other people, but I think my brain handles heavy memorization pretty strangely. But it’s not the actual memorization part I have trouble with; it’s the storage/retrieval part that I don’t quite understand.

BOOM features this one sketch in particular that requires some pretty intense memory-committing. If you’ve seen it, you probably know what I’m talking about. If not, maybe I’ll whisper it into your ear while you sleep tonight.

Anyway, this morning’s coffee line at the Mud Truck was long enough for me to kinda prepare what I was gonna say when it was my turn to order. It was short and sweet (just like me) and I pretty much say it every day so the words come pretty easily: “Small Milk ‘n Sugar Please.” But when the time came, instead of my brain retrieving those five carefully thought-out words, I started spewing out the long paragraph I’ve gone and memorized and stored in my databanks for BOOM.

So, yeah. Why exactly does this happen?! 'Cause it's definitely happened before.

Since I’m already on a roll here, and 67% of you have probably stopped reading anyway, here’s something else: When EL’s all backstage waiting to start a show, sometimes I’ll freak out and somehow convince myself that I’ve forgotten all of my lines. To quell the anxiety, I’ll start pacing around while speaking them out loud. Now I guess that's kinda normal, but what’s not normal and is in fact strange and weird is that when I’m in this frantic state of mind trying to simultaneously remember all of my lines, I’ll suddenly start to say the first sketch monologue I ever had to memorize from a skits-o-phrenics show five years ago. It’s from a sketch called The Manly Trial, and I’m the prosecuting attorney and I say, “Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Macantyre is being charged with a first degree gender-role violation” and that’s as far as I get before realizing I’m fucking crazy.

THE END.

In closing, here’s a FunFact for you about Jeff:

You may not know this, but Jeffrey “I’m So Smart” Solomon has a motherfucking photographic memory. So if he ever bails out on you or something because “he forgot,” he’s actually LYING TO YOU.

The Cows Are Coming!

There's been some question over the mysterious "The Cows Are Coming" ads popping up all over New York, so here's the skinny:

- They're for Nestle's new Coffeemate Creamers.

- You can find out more info tomorrow at http://www.thecowsarecoming.com/.

- The info revealed on the site will be to show up at 10am in Bryant Park, and you'll learn how to race for $50,000.

- You may need to have one of the squishy cows that are being delivered all over the city, and it may need to say Vanilla or Hazelnut on it.

That is all for now. More info as it breaks!

Via Ad Freak.

What's More Horrible?

1) Going to a bar, meeting a hot girl, having her buy you a drink, and next thing you know, you're in a bathtub full of ice, your back hurts, and it turns out one of your kidneys has been stolen.

2) Going to a bar, meeting a hot girl, having her buy you a drink, and next thing you know, you're in a bathtub full of kidneys. But other than that, you're totally fine.

I'm going to go with, initially #2, long term, #1.

The Ballad Of LAYZOR

Last night, representatives of four New York City are sketch comedy groups got together to shoot each other with invisible lasers. Twelve people in total descended upon Lazer Park in Times Square and proceded to engage in a double mission of walking quickly, ducking and not coming within five feet of each other, as per Lazer Park rules.

It was exhausting. It was war. It was hell.

The first game went to Becca Greene of the Royal We. The second to Dan Zalevsky of Fearsome and the third to Becky Poole of MEAT. By time we had reached our fourth and final game, each group had a winner...except Elephant Larry. This is despite the fact that we had four more people there than any other group. Total and utter embarassment was knocking at our laser-door.

But then, like a gift from the heavens, came our savior. You may know him as Alex. You may know him as Zalben. You may know him as Alexander Zalben. But we in Elephant Larry will forever know him as LAYZOR.

With pinpoint accuracy and guts to match, LAYZOR decimated the tired, weak competition. LAYZOR dealt only in stealth and precision, at one point blasting me in my shoulder sensor and smoothly ducking behind a gigantic neon-colored pillar like a professional assassin. Then the game was over.

It was a tense wait for the scores. Finally, LAYZOR'S laser-sensor vest starting flashing and whirring and beeping uncontrollably, which apparently meant he had won. And boy had he won. In a match where no one else cracked 850 points (50 for a kill, -10 for a death), LAYZOR racked up a cool 1190.

It was a pleasure fighting you, LAYZOR. May your shields be forever down!

BOOM This Weekend

With our website down, we'll be sure to remind you as much as possible through other means that BOOM is happening. Like posting on this blog. Again. And again. Oh, and again.

Also, it would be WONDERFUL to have a nice supportive audience this weekend. I won't tell you why, but let's just say we'll like you a lot for it. So if you've already seen the show, why not see it again? It's only gotten better since the first couple of times. For reals, yo.

******************
Elephant Larry presents
BOOM

May 14, 21, 28
Saturdays at 9:00 PM

June 4, 18
Saturdays at 8:00 PM

@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street
(btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)

Tickets: $8

Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1049
Get 'em o'er the phone (NEW #): (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488

New York Magazine's #1 Late-Nite Pick

"How is it that every sketch is funny? One of the best shows you'll see in the city for eight bucks!" — NYTheatre.com

"Elephants never forget and neither should you, so get to The PIT and start your roaring. These guys rock." — New York Cool

"Lovably silly... Earnest, clever, and ready-to-please!" — OffOffOnline.com

"The gems in this onomatopoeia-inspiring show make it well worth a visit!" — Time Out New York

LL (not Cool or J)

The director of Unleased, the new Jet Li movie (that used to have the much better title "Danny the Dog") gave a really amusing and honest interview, so I felt the need to link ya to Chud's interview page. Turns out Louis Leterrier is a pretty cool guy, and this interview made me want to see the movie even more than before (it actually looks pretty good).

I Am Never Going To The Doctor Again

Unless I'm mistaken, doctors still have to take the Hippocratic Oath before they can really become doctors. I've always thought that was a cool thing. Sure, I had no earthly idea what the Hippocratic Oath was, but anything archaic is fine by me. Well, I just read it and it is F-ING CRAZY. Let me demonstrate just how crazy it is by cherry-picking only the weirdest parts and making fun of them:

I swear by Apollo the physician, and Aesculapius, and Hygeia, and Panacea and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses - Well well! The first line and we're already in Crazy Town! We are teaching our doctors, to whom we are entrusting our health, to believe in and swear by crazy Greek Gods fabricated to explain things like why night is dark. Does that make anyone else uncomfortable?

To hold him, who has taught me this art, as equal to my parents...and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine - It is now fairly clear that Hippocrates was an old, poor doctor who desperately needed some cash and invented this oath-thing to get some cheddar.

I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice. - This is OK.

I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody if asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. - As a member of Elephant Larry, I break into horrible rashes when discussing politics in a public setting. Moving on.

I will not use the knife... - What? But what if they're suffering from stone?
...not even on sufferers from stone... - Oh no!
...but will withdraw in favor of such men as are [skilled] in this work. - Whew!

Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief, and in particular of sexual relations with both male and female persons, be they free or slaves. - Oh, and also, you aren't allowed to have sex. It's too mischievous. That OK? Yeah, well, too bad, you took an Oath. No, not even with slaves!

If I fulfill this Oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot. - So if you don't fulfill the Hippocratic Oath, you are forever cursed with...the opposite of good things. Presumably, these are bad things.

I think I have proven beyond all reasonable doubt that doctors are crazy. Thank you for your time.

BLOGGERS: The Sitcom

This made me snort:

Most! Boring! Show! Ever!

Via Gothamist.

SketchFest Passes Onsale

We're getting pretty psyched over here at ELHQ for SketchFest NYC... We'll have more info about our show up very soon, but in the meantime, I'd recommend, if you're seeing a bunch of the shows, you pick up a Festival Pass. These shows are gonna get packed.

Festival Passes are on sale NOW at http://www.ucbtheatre.com/sketchfest/

Individual Tickets go on sale May 15th...

SketchFestNYC.com

Wake Up And Smell The Fun

The WB11 has launched a new campaign advertising their morning news program and that’s their creepy new slogan: Wake Up And Smell The Fun.

And though it might just be me, it’s a little gross, no? Though it isn't an official part of the definition, I don’t really think “fun” is supposed to smell like anything. In fact, for me, if something really, strongly smells a certain way, it almost makes it "not fun."

Thankfully, the WB also has another slogan. But for what it lacks in unpleasantness, it more than makes up for with creepy intimidation. Just above all those smiling newsanchor faces, reads: We’ll Make You A Morning Person. (In my mind, with a probably-misplaced emphasis on Make.) Perhaps. But only by torturing me with those shiny, blindingly-white teeth-smiles.

Speaking of shiny! If you haven’t noticed yet, it's definitely almost summer, 'cause the shiny, shiny Budlight people are back! Yay! How shiny? SOOOOOOO shiny!!! You know: all the scantily-clad, thin, sexy people with really really shiny skin, looking right at you and holding Bud Light bottles in a way that’s somewhere between showing 'em to you and offering 'em to you.

The best part about the shiny-bud-light-people-campaign is when they accidentally leave the ads up in a forgotten subway car. It's December 23rd, you walk in, take off your scarf, and you're suddenly surrounding by all these poor, shiny naked people partying, offering/showing you their Bud Lights, and shivering to death 'cause it's the middle of winter.

Tony the Tiger Awards

Okay, so as I may have mentioned, I work at the Graduate Musical Theatre Writing Program at Tisch. This year, for the first time in, oh, about, 20 years, some of our Alumni have a chance to be nominated for Tony Awards.

So I got to work early today to listen to the Tony Award Nomination Announcement Webcast. And, general impression? The designation of the Tonys as "Gay Superbowl?" Accurate.

They have two announcers right now, talking about musicals as if they were sports teams, handicapping the possible nominees, etc.

Anyway, awards about to be announced, be back in a moment.

Update 8:30am - Okay, there was a weird moment of sexual tension on stage, I think, when the pres. of the league of theater producers said how his favorite moment of the year was being on stage with some lady. Kind of strange to hear that over web radio. Also, you can buy tickets to the Tonys... I knew that, but do they do that for other awards show? Or is it that the Tonys are really sad?

Update 8:32am - Good grief. I'm really nervous. Why is that? I seriously doubt I'll be nominated for Best Guy Who Once Made Some Copies for Possible Nominees. Although, that would be awesome.

Update 8:33am - FYI, the musicals we're concerned with are "Little Women," and "25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee." Oh! Alan Cumming is announcing the nominees. I hope he makes some joke about playing Loki in "Son of the Mask."

Update 8:44am - Hooray! They're waiting to announce the big awards live on CBS, but here's the important stuff so far... Funny story, the only name they pronounced wrong was Rachel's. Hilarious.

Dan Fogler - Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Musical (Spelling Bee)
Celia Keenan-Bolger – Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Musical (Spelling Bee)
James Lapine – Best Direction of a Musical (Spelling Bee)
Bill Finn – Best Original Score (Music and/or Lyrics) Written for the Theatre (Spelling Bee)
Rachel Sheinkin – Best Book of a Musical (Spelling Bee)

Update 8:49am - Okay, and the final nominees are...

Sutton Foster – Best Actress in a Musical (Little Women)
25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee – Best Musical

Holy crap.

Sorry to make a big deal out of this, but not only am I personally excited that Rachel and Bill were nominated for Best Freakin' Musical, but its also a huge deal for my work, basically validating 20 years of this program's existence.

For the Tony Awards, I'm Alexander Zalben. We'll see you back here on June 5th, when we live blog the Tony Awards.

Oh, and later today, when I post about some stupid technology and crap like that.

(Btw, here's the rest of the nominees in case you're interested for some reason: http://www.tonyawards.com/en_US/nominees/index.html)

EXTENDED!!!

Ah, this week. So full of ups and downs in the Elephant Larry world.

Our website has gone to that big 'ol server in the sky, but we've also got great news...

Our show has been extended! Hooray!

We've added two more performances:

June 4 @ 8:00pm
June 18 @ 8:00pm

Tickets go on sale NOW.

You can check out all the details at ThePIT-NYC.com.

In the middle, you got our show at SketchFestNYC.com, and we got more details on that coming soon...

Less Filling...? Tastes Great...?

So I was at a bar last week watching the Yankees lose their second (of three) in a row to the TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS when up walks a tall blonde who looks like she just stepped out of a beer commercial. By this I mean she was attractive, yes, but also that she was holding two beer bottles and wearing a Miller Lite T-shirt that was tied off at the bottom. She quite literally looked like she belonged in a beer commercial. This was because she was advertising beer.

She explained that she was going around bars in the city promoting the "Miller Lite Challenge" in which she has people blindly pick their favorite tasting, looking and smelling beer and then reveal that their favorite beer was Miller Lite all along (hopefully)!

I gotta say, the challenge was a bit lame. She basically guided you through the whole thing, indicating that a beer is supposed to look golder, smell fruitier and taste better and asking you to choose accordingly. I mean come on! What if I like bitterer, yellower, skunkier-smelling (her word, not mine) beer? It's my prerogative. Anyway, I'm pleased to report that I correctly identified the Miller Lite each and every time.

The other, worse beer? Bud Lite of course! I think it'd would've been more impressive if they pitted Miller Lite against, say, Guiness and it still won. That would be eye-opening. But it wasn't to be.

The best part is, among all the lame shwag they gave me for participating was a yellow-penalty flag. Awesome! I have been throwing it at people's faces all week, for such penalties as "insufficiently funny jokes" and "being lame" ever since, amusing people (read: me) to no end. I would venture to guess that it is the best random sports-related prop since Ele-buddy Ankur Pandya started shouting things like "Let's Go Pizza!" through a bullhorn donated to the Big Red Comedy Festival.

Time Capsule

I just wanted to let y’all know that because of our server problems, Stefan and I will be unable to post a feature that is both seasonally appropriate and gut-wrenchingly hilarious. However, this isn’t really all that much of a surprise. The feature was actually written last year, but never made it up to the website. So by the time it probably doesn’t make it up for some reason or another in May 2006, it will be TWO YEARS OLD and counting. How’s that for a build up, motherfuckers?

Back 2 Basix

You may notice how none of the images on the blog are working. Oh well. You know what they say about imagination being the best country in the whole world, right? All hail the written word!

Some links:

Medical Case Histories on Mount Olympus

NPR does a story on Homestar!

DC Comics has a Snazzy New Logo

A.O. Scott on Superheroes and Movie Stars

Website Status Update

Okay, so if everything goes according to plan (which it never does), we should have the website back up by the end of the week.

Now, here's the thing... We actually depend on our website a LOT. Not only as a source of humor articles, and humor videos, and humor, but also for getting the word out about our show.

And more importantly, as a way of sending e-mail. Currently, we have no way of letting people know about our show, other than this blog, and, um, all the other things we do, like hand out postcards and stuff...

But I digress.

Point is, we need your help. Since our major way of getting the word out about the show this week is gone, we need you, the trusty blog reader, to let people know.

If you can, send out personal e-mails with info about the show, tell your friends, come see the show again, etc. There may be a free t-shirt in it for you...

Thanks for your help and continued patience in this stupid matter.
**********************

Elephant Larry presents
BOOM

May 14, 21, 28
Saturdays at 9:00 PM

@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)

Tickets: $8

Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1049
Get 'em o'er the phone (NEW #): (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488

New York Magazine's #1 Late-Nite Pick

"How is it that every sketch is funny? One of the best shows you'll see in the city for eight bucks!" — NYTheatre.com

"Elephants never forget and neither should you, so get to The PIT and start your roaring. These guys rock." — New York Cool

"Lovably silly... Earnest, clever, and ready-to-please!" — OffOffOnline.com

"The gems in this onomatopoeia-inspiring show make it well worth a visit!" — Time Out New York

The Animal Club @ Caroline's

EL friends The Animal Club will be performing a best of set at Caroline's tonight, so check 'em out. They're from Chicago, so get ready for some hialrious sketches about Deep Dish Pizza and Corruption!
**********************
The Animal Club

Caroline's On Broadway
1626 Broadway
New York, NY

Monday, May 9 - 9:30pm
212-757-4100

Make rezzies and its five bucks. Don't make rezzies, and its way more than that.

Evite, with more info

What the Crap Happened To Your Website?

That's a really good question.

Basically, we are currently having very, very severe problems with our web service. In the future, I would not recommend you sign up for a web service that only allows you to contact them over e-mail. They don't seem to respond to your questions, or, you know, ever get back to you.

In any case, at the current time, our website is down. Totally. I hope to have it, in some form, back up and running by the middle of this week, at the latest, although when it does, the content will be severely compromised. That means it may be a little while before you can read Cat Corner again, or watch Watkin's Funeral Home and Waffle House.

Actually, none of you were watching Watkins Funeral Home and Waffle House, so no worries there.

Point is, when the website does come back, I'll be working on it over the next few weeks to get it back up to running speed. I realize there will be broken links, and problems, and I'm happy to hear your suggestions. E-mail me at azalben@gmail.com. I will try to respond to your queries in under 24 hours, but like Doteasy, I'll never actually write you back.

In the meantime, if you have any Elephant Larry e-mail questions, please contact us at elephantlarry@hotmail.com, which will still be working fine.

Thanks for your patience, everybody.

A Self-Contained Story in Three Pictures

The Cover of a Small Book:


The Inside of a Small Book:


Picture Found Inside a Small Book:


And the saddest part is that I found it atop a trash can.

Happy (Pretty Much Belated By Now) Slope Day!

From this week's Rolling Stone:

Proving that an Ivy League education isn't quite what it used to be, the folks at Cornell University have come to the decision that the best way to curtail the debauchery surrounding the end of the school year would be to call in Snoop Dogg as ringmaster. The Doggfather has been hired to perform during the school's annual Slope Day party -- held to mark the last day of classes -- on May 6th, and organizers hope his presence will "shift the focus towards music" and stem the tide of alcohol-related incidents that have plagued the campus in recent years. We're sure that a few choruses of "Gin and Juice" will be just the ticket to solving that problem . . .

Ha. Thanks, J9.

Songlines

If you're a NYC history maniac like me, you might be interested in the following site:

http://www.nysonglines.com/

It's not the sexiest site ever, but it does a good job of gathering and nuggetifying a lot of information from a whole slew of different resources in interesting ways.

For instance, did you know that two famous hippies were bludgeoned to death just around the corner from my apartment? The same corner where Joe "The Super" Pesci was sentenced by a judge to live in one of his derelict buildings? I didn't.

Or you can just go ahead and read this. But be warned: I've been officially "reading" it for the last three years now.

So This Is Awesome

A bunch of MIT students are throwing a Time Traveler Party this weekend. Or according to them: the world's first convention for time travelers.

If you live in Boston, there are very few reasons you shouldn’t go. These guys are funny:

"The odds of a time traveler showing up are between one in a million and one in a trillion," says Amal Dorai, who conceived the convention.

These guys are smart:

They contend that theirs is the only time traveler convention the world needs, because people from the future can travel to it anytime they want.

And, Jesus Christ, these guys are gonna have a real potential time machine there!

For relevancy’s sake, here are the three best time-traveling movies ever. And according to Geoff and my roomies, also this one probably.

Corporal Intangibility

When technology finally reaches the point where corporal intangibility is accessible to everyone, the greatest application will definitely be the new phase-through dog leashes. This way, owners won’t get so frustrated when their dogs unknowingly walk on the other side of a tree and the leash gets all caught and stuck. Instead, with a press if the CI-Enabling-Button, the leash will just phase through the solid tree, and both dog and master can continue on their happy dog-walking way. No more wasteful backtracking and unnecessary canine abuse! One step closer to tecno-utopia!

The phase-through soccer balls will be cool too.

MTA Subway Service Advisory E-mail

It may already be too late:

Subway Service Advisory E-mail Notification Pilot

The MTA is setting up a service advisory e-mail, and only taking 10,000 people to beta test it. I'm one of them. Are you?

House of Wax

OK, OK, I know it comes out tomorrow but I just couldn't wait! If you're like Elephant Larry, you love the tagline for the new Paris Hilton vehicle, "House of Wax." In case you haven't seen the sides of any buses lately, that tagline is: "Prey. Slay. Display."

Actually I was being sarcastic, we don't like it. It sounds stupid. And when we don't like something we make fun of it constantly. So without further ado, some rejected taglines from House of Wax!

May. Day. Hooray!
Gray Bay OK?
Clay-Play Today!
Stay Away, Kay!
Prey. Slay. Moccachino.

Another thing we've been doing is setting it to the tune of "Take My Breath Away." There are some factual errors, but I stand by the message:

Watching as some guy
Tries turning everyone to wax!
First he'll try to spy
While they're all having random sex!
Then he'll try to lead them
All to his abandonned fair!
(We'll be) Watchin' Paris Hilton
Run with Chad Michael Mur-Ray!
Hooray!
Prey Slay and Display!
(Yay! Today! OK!)
Prey Slay and Display!

So anyone wanna go see House of Wax with me?

Kick It On Back

Ch-Ch-Check it out: Myspace is streaming the entire new Weezer album.

I like allmusic's top four Weezer adjectives: distraught, giddy, crunchy, and angst-ridden.

The Funny Comedy Competition, Round 1

Tonight we'll be competing in the first round of "The Funny" Comedy Competition. I put "The Funny" in quotes because that's the name, not because I'm unsure of its humor value.

Anywho, four groups: MEAT vs. Mini Red Satan; Elephant Larry vs. The Greatest Show on Earth. That's some serious competition we have. I mean, they're the greatest show on earth. I think we're going to lose.

Whether we do win or not, however, is determined on audience voting. So come out, support, laugh! We'll be doing some of our Greatest Skits material, so if you're already coming to the show Saturday... It’s a totally different set. Check it out:

*******************
EL @ THE FUNNY COMEDY COMPETITION
May 5 - 8:00 PM

National Comedy Theatre
347 W. 36th Street
btwn. 8th and 9th Aves.

Tickets: $10
Buy online.

http://www.thefunnynyc.com/

I'm a Convicted Felon!

So apparently I've been harboring a child molester! Who knew?

My roomie informed me that last night, while I was out, some lady called the house claiming the following:

• There had been a convicted child molester living in my building.
  
• The two of us had become friends.
  
• This man had previously assaulted the child of one of the friends of this lady who was calling.
  
• He had fled from my building, but I was forwarding his mail for him.
  
• She had discovered all of this by hiring a private investigator, who found me on the list of people who have aided sex offenders.
  
• I am a man of Turkish descent.

Could just be me, but I think her argument really falls apart with the last point.

In any case, she called my apartment NINE TIMES last night, and during these conversations, my roomie found out all of the above info. She also repeatedly explained that all of this was not true, and that in fact, I definitely wasn't Turkish. She also told the lady that I really don't have time to be forwarding anyone's mail, which I thought was pretty funny.

So that's the funny part. The disturbing part, is this lady (or Prank Caller, as I like to call her) is that this lady knew my home phone number and name, which granted, I don't hide very well; and that there's a slight possiblity I might be on a list of sex offender-helpers somewhere, which I didn't even know existed.

Anyway... Anybody know if there's a way to forward your mail through someone's mailbox without them knowing about it?

Food Link RoundUp

Dominos in India - This is a neat story anyway, but the best part is, it never occurred tp me that there would be region specific toppings on pizza.

LAist Solves Your Pager Problem - In New York, I don't think you ever get the restaurant pager unless you're "dining" at the Olive Garden for some reason. But this is another interesting "lie about technology to protect business" ala, "you can't use electronic devices on this aircraft." (A Stewardess filled me in on this during a flight one time, but that's for another post.)

Bacon Strip Bandages - This needs no explanation.

The Seven Gummie Sins - Envy is, by far, the best of this well shot series.

The Meatpod Shuffle Contest - Some of these are totally gross. Some are awesome.

Mo'om?

WARNING! FUNNY IN PAST! MAY NOT TRANSLATE TO PRESENT!

So I was speaking with Caitlin, an Elephriend from way back (and part of Brandeis University's funny, funny improv group False Advertising) last night about how she was planning to visit fair old NYC and possibly catch our show, BOOM. Unfortunately she won't be able to stay long at all, leaving the next day. She described the situation as "Wham, Bam, thank ya Ma'am," a phrase commonly associated with one-night stands for those not familiar with "phrases."

I, of course, being in Elephant Larry and knowing the title of our show, corrected her and said that it was actually a "Wham, BOOM, thank ya Ma'am" situation. Well this of course turned into "Woom, Boom" which, if you say it out loud is exactly the same as "Womb-Boom." Which, if you think about it, is a much more literal way to describe sex than "Wham-Bam." I mean come on. Womb Boom.

Unfortuantely, if you say the whole phrase that way, "Womb-Boom, thank ya Mo'om" it makes much less sense. But it does follow Chris's notion that "oo" is the funniest vowel sound out there and all vowels should be replaced with it. IMMEDIATELY.