Disneycide

This morning, I was thumbing through the Toys "R" Us circular, and in the corner of one of the buy-two-board-games-get-one-free deal, I noticed something I'd never even heard of before: Disney-themed Clue.

Now like most kids, I loved playing Clue, and what immediately popped into my mind was this: Clue is a game based on solving a murder. That’s a criminal act resulting in the DEATH of the victim.

And I guess, 'cause I'm a sick fucking bastard, I got really excited at the idea of Disney finally sponsoring a game where their lovable, huggable, profitable mascots murder each other with pipes and candlesticks.

But alas, that’s not the case at all.

It’s really called Clue: The Disney Haunted Mansion Edition, not to be confused with Mr. Murphy’s fine contribution to the cinematic canon. And by theming the entire game around their popular Haunted Mansion theme-park ride, Disney brilliantly avoids harming any and all of their beloved icons, the bastards.

Basically, the game's premise is that there's this haunted mansion. A haunted mansion with ghosts. These ghosts haunt Mickey Mouse, or haunt Minnie Mouse, or haunt Donald Duck, and all the players have to make "spiritual suggestions" and "mystic predictions" to determine which classic Disney character is haunted by which ghost, and blah blah blah blah BORING.

And apparently this nonviolent sidestepping nonsense has infected the other cartoon-based Clue games too. In Clue Scooby Doo Edition, not a single person or talking dog dies. I tried to research what actually happens, but I got too discouraged. In The Simpsons Clue, there is an apparent homicide, but it’s all about who killed Mr. Burns, but that’s not fair ‘cause, as any mildly competent Simpsons fan knows, he didn’t even end up dead at all that time.

Jesus, people. What does it take to have fictional animated characters murder each other?

Thanks to cluedofan.com for what is perhaps the most comprehensive Clue site I've ever read. Also, did you know that the original European version of the game is called Cluedo? Don't think about that too long. You'll get a nosebleed.