Hooray, no spam here!

It’s interesting how you can tell almost immediately when a new group of jack-monkeys get ahold of your e-mail address. Over the years, my incoming junk mail has increased slowly but steadily, in what could best be described as a series of distinct tiers.

The initial wave of Blatant Spam (subject lines of "wet teens" and "creamy dreams") was soon replaced by Mispelled Spam and the comparable Creative Punctuation Spam, containing similarly inappropriate subjects, but with interesting punctuation @lteration$. Of course, these soon gave way to the Stupid Spam, or spam so poorly constructed that it’s hard to believe someone was actually stupid enough to think it could work (i.e., messages from gzzrlyyx@ysotl.net).

And then there’s perhaps my favorite type: the Clean Spam. These messages use no profanity, but instead conjure strange images with creative metaphors. By merging the "From" and "Subject" lines, they often succeed in creating unique and cohesive messages. I can still remember my favorite one:

From: Knock Down
Subject: trees with your manhood

What a great image. I was actually a little disappointed when the Clean Spam slowly trickled down into nothing. In a weird sort of way, Mr. Knock Down and his cohorts were sort of pushing the language forward.

But anyway, I’m happy to announce that the old hotmail account has just entered a fresh new tier I'm calling “Sneaky Spam.” Normal names, mostly women, with totally plausible subjects, god damn it. Examples:

From: Lynette Moreland
Subject: about us

From: Alisha Hensley
Subject: right equipment

From: Jill Burger
Subject: Seven days

From: Sonia Francis
Subject: shine

From: Penis POWER;)
Subject: Great News!

Okay, not the last one, but COME ON. These messages really sadden me. With every mass deletion, I feel as though I’m rejecting real people. Potential friends, lovers...Honest people who can suggest the best, most appropriate equipment, or answer my many questions about the number of days in a week. And then there are those like Sonia Francis. Oh Sonia, if only you were a real woman and I hadn’t deleted your poetically mysterious “shine.” I’m sure I could have loved you.

But whatever. I’m sure these too will soon be gone and lost, replaced by something insulting and new. After all, nothing lasts forever.

On a side note, I remember that back in college, Jerf used to receive the best junkmail ever. And for some irrational reason, I was always slightly jealous of it. 'Cause I wanted to get the funny junkmail every day.

Also, Oblivio has a great essay about working as a spam writer.