Things I Have Learned Upon Completion of My One-Week Trial Membership at the New York Sports Club

Please note: Chris has never belonged to any kind of gym ever before in his life. This trial membership was merely a desperate attempt to escape a deskbound winter of languorous iniquity.

• Do not try to program complex cardiovascular programs into the treadmill. You will only hurt and embarrass yourself.
• Despite intellectually mocking it in the past, there is a correct and intelligent way to lift heavy objects.
• Do not ask the girl running next to you how to operate your treadmill. Not only will she question your ability to operate simple machinery -- she’ll think you’re hitting on her.
• Don’t feel bad for taking two towels. They don’t mind.
• Do not look creepy, half-naked men directly in the eye. Particularly the creepy, half-naked man standing and staring out of the men’s sauna. Even though he’s been in there every night you've walked by, he is not your friend.
• In the shower, use as much green body soap as you’d like. It’s liquid, and complimentary.
• Don’t be intimidated by the muscular men running next to you on the treadmill and staring at you intimidatingly. They don’t want to hurt you. They only want to see if they're running faster than you.
• On a related note, if you don’t want people to look at your machine, place your towel over it discretely. This does not work in the office.
• Electronic willpower is awesome.