Wednesday, March 09, 2005

News of the Weird!

This stupid article from the Associated Press is pretty funny for a whole buncha reasons which I suddenly feel compelled to analyze. Let’s...

...begin. First things first, we need a slightly unbelievable headline:

Prosecutors Subpoena Dog in Murder Case

Check. This is a good title. It commands attention, yet still allows for the slight, slight possibility that something gravely serious actually did happen. Did this dog break into an orphanage and savagely rape thirty-five infants? In other words, did this dog do something so terrible that they actually stretched the limits of the law to punish it? The answer is: we just don’t know yet. And therefore, we also don’t know if it’s okay to laugh at the situation. After all, we might be considered "bad people" for doing so. Let’s continue.

Next, we need a location. Hopefully, a town small enough to be written off as full of dumb people?


Check. And finally, as far as wacky introductory purposes require, we need a delightful introductory pun.

Prosecutors hoping for a witness in a murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong tree.

Check! Wacky tone effectively established! Thank you, AP, we will not be taking this article seriously. Let’s dig deeper.

They sent out a batch of subpoenas for anyone who had contact with Albert K. Smith while he was jailed awaiting his murder trial. One of those subpoenas went out to 5-year-old Murphy Smith -- Smith's dog, it turned out.The defendant had written his dog a letter from his cell, and that is how the shih tzu's name got on the witness list.

Okay, stop. Here’s our first step beyond wackiness into possible insanity. This man wrote his dog a letter. That is totally disturbed in a very, very specific way. Also, the dog has a first and last name, the second of which he shares with his owner. And also, it’s a shih tzu.

Prosecutors realized the mistake on Tuesday after the defendant's brother brought in Murphy to answer the subpoena and a deputy would not let them into the courthouse because no dogs were allowed.

Okay, stop again. Two things here:

a) The brother actually brought the dog to the courthouse. This either cements the theory that this is indeed a town of very stupid people, or suggests that these two brothers might have had some weird sort of higher awareness of the entire situation. Has this all been an elaborate prank on their town? And...

b) In a strange twist of fate, the very courthouse that summoned the canine in the first place, does not allow animals inside. Is that irony? I think it might be.

Prosecutor Robin Green said she apologized to the brother for any inconvenience, and added: "The dog was friendly enough and probably would have been a very cooperative witness.''

Aw… light chuckles and smiles all around. This article has been a pleasant little read, and after all, nobody got hurt, right?

Albert Smith is accused of shooting to death his ex-wife's boyfriend.