86 Reasons To Hate The Red Sox
This isn't a defense of the Yankees, because I long ago stopped trying to make people like the Yankees. It's an offense against the Red Sox. Reasons 6 and 7 underline why if the Yanks are your least favorite team, the Sawx should be your second least favorite.
But then again, I'm biased. I hate the Red Sox.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
This Is What I've Been Saying
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10 comments:
The Sox should change their name to the Yankers. Then they should become heroin addicts and get their own show on Comedy Central.
That's too many reasons to hate anything.
In my opinion 86 reasons weren't enough reasons to hate the RedSox. If this was one year ago, it may have been named; 1,918 reasons to hate the Red Sox... A little snippet from my recently made up article titled "1,918 reasons to hate the RedSox": Reason #125- Because Troy Nixon and Manny Ramirez rarely bathe...it's pretty gross to be Johnny Damon, to be stuck between these two smelly ballplayers in that outfield, but its ok cause Johnny Damon is a little girl and no one cares about him.
Let me apologize to all of the non-baseball caring people who read this blog, but my elder brother decided to post some Yankee/RedSox stuff, and I just had to partake.
ENJOY!
Its very cute that you decided on 1,918 reasons, but I bet you $5 you can't actually come up with 1,918 entirely different, valid reasons to hate the Red Sox.
If I'm wrong about this, I will give you $5 and agree to hate the Red Sox.
1. Their socks.
2. The way they hold the bat.
3. The way they spit.
4. The way they grab their crotches.
5. The way the slide into home.
6. The way they throw like girls.
7. The way they blow bubble-gum bubbles.
8. The way they belch after drinking Gatorade.
9. Their hats.
10. The way they pronounce R’s.
11. The way they pump their fist and say, “Yesssss.”
12. The way they brush the dirt off home plate.
13. Their cleats.
14. The way they flick their noses.
15. They way the shoot steroids (in the butt).
16. The way they pee in the locker room showers.
17. Their decision to wear briefs instead of boxers.
18. Their haircuts.
19. Their five o’clock shadows.
20. Their ugly girlfriends.
21. Their fat moms.
22. Their child-abusing fathers.
23. Their overly privileged children.
24. Their butt-chins.
25. The way they pronounce "potato."
26. Their choice to use zippers instead of buttons.
27. The shape of their thighs.
28. Their low-carb diets.
29. The TV stations they watch.
30. Their secret obsession with basketball.
31. Their discolored teeth.
32. Their dental insurance plan.
33. The way the do long-hand division.
34. The way they pronounce the word door.
35. Their aversion to the color blue.
36. Their insistence on pepperoni on pizza.
37. Their grade point averages in high school.
38. Their tendency to not say thank you.
39. Their outrageously inflated salaries.
40. Their hot wives.
41. The way they laugh at bad jokes.
42. The way they use margarine instead of butter.
43. Their logo design.
44. The decision to have housemaids.
45. Their poor vocabulary and grammar.
46. The way they sometimes look into the camera and grin.
47. The way the manager smacks their buttocks with his palm.
48. Their selection of mascots is poor.
49. Their inability to spell Jacque Derrida’s surname.
50. The insistent use of red in all promotional materials.
51. Their metro system.
52. The way in which they bunt with the bases loaded.
53. The decision to over-use the knuckle ball.
54. The codes the catcher uses are profane.
55. The brand of bleach they use is bad for the environment.
56. They steal music from the internet instead of buying it at a store.
57. Their SUVs.
58. Their support of Bush’s Social Security reform bill.
59. Their preference for cartoons over articles in the local rag.
60. Their chummy nicknames.
61. Their fans are inane.
62. Their absurdly inflated egos.
63. The way they wear their socks.
64. The way in which they kiss the umpire’s ass.
65. The way in which they embezzle money from their fans.
66. The way in which they pose for photographs.
67. Their brotherly attachment to each other is homoerotic.
68. Their taste in literature is dismal.
69. The shape of their upper lips is repulsive (all of them).
70. Their cheap sell-outs of major commercial networks.
71. Boston is a piece-of-shit town.
72. Their rivalry with the Yankees is patronizing at best.
73. The way in which they steal third is without skill.
74. Their cursive Q’s.
75. The way in which they pronounce “tomato.”
76. The manner in which they hold doors open for women.
77. The manner in which they put dollar bills down strippers g-strings.
78. The color of their cars.
79. The color of the interior of their refrigerators.
80. The contents of the underwear drawers is repulsive.
81. Their preference for smutty magazines over high-brow.
82. Their influence on the culture of aspiring baseball players is sad.
83. The way in which the import immigrant labor to clean their locker rooms.
84. The manner in which the brush their teeth.
85. The sad way in which they don’t read stories to their children.
86. The blood coursing through their veins makes me ill.
87. Their inability to say the pledge of allegiance without help.
88. The way they snicker during the national anthem.
89. Negligently leaving on their hats during the national anthem.
90. The use of tobacco products on the field.
91. The way they drink decaffeinated coffee.
92. Their decision to use Apple instead of IBM.
93. The average curvature of their earlobes.
94. The dimensions of their seats in their stadium.
95. The height at which they clip their Astroturf.
96. The width of their pinstripes on their home jerseys.
97. Their brand of pasta.
98. The insistence on wearing red around the holidays.
99. The way in which they hold their forks when eating flan.
100. Their not-so-distant relationship to Neanderthals.
101. their anti-semitic joking around
102. the way they hope someday ted williams will come back to life.
103. its almost impossible to spell carl yazstremski
104. they can't stop icecream from melting
105. they did nothing to prevent the pope from dying
106. monster is not something to take lightly by naming a wall after it
107. only prepubescent girls spell
socks, s-o-x
108. terri shiavo, either
109. or grace kelly's husband
110. and they didn't do enough (obviously) regarding the siegfried and roy disaster
First: I understand that people hate the Yankees more than the Red Sox and are thus going to root for the Red Sox more than the Yankees. That's why I mentioned that I wasn't trying to make anyone like the Yanks.
Second: I find your "hated because of professionalism" argument hard to swallow. When people mumble and grumble about the Yankees it's because of the ridiculous payroll. The second biggest reason people cite is George Steinbrenner, the least professional part of the entire organization.
Third: The last incarnation of championship Lakers were NOT professional. There was in-fighting all the time. And despite my best efforts, no one really hates the Patriots
Can't buy the professionalism argument, sorry.
aNGD here. Just wanted to remind those who care that hating the Yankees goes way back. Before Steinbrenner. Before free agency and its corresponding insane payrolls. When I was a kid other kids hated me because I didn't hate the Yankees. Really. I think it was because the Yankees won all the time and back then it was really just about all the time. Why did it upset them so? I think because it reminded them what losers THEY were.
Yawn. Will no one be able to convince me?
I am currently in the process of writing my list of 1918 reasons I hate the RedSox...stay tuned
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