I Am Never Going To The Doctor Again

Unless I'm mistaken, doctors still have to take the Hippocratic Oath before they can really become doctors. I've always thought that was a cool thing. Sure, I had no earthly idea what the Hippocratic Oath was, but anything archaic is fine by me. Well, I just read it and it is F-ING CRAZY. Let me demonstrate just how crazy it is by cherry-picking only the weirdest parts and making fun of them:

I swear by Apollo the physician, and Aesculapius, and Hygeia, and Panacea and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses - Well well! The first line and we're already in Crazy Town! We are teaching our doctors, to whom we are entrusting our health, to believe in and swear by crazy Greek Gods fabricated to explain things like why night is dark. Does that make anyone else uncomfortable?

To hold him, who has taught me this art, as equal to my parents...and if he is in need of money to give him a share of mine - It is now fairly clear that Hippocrates was an old, poor doctor who desperately needed some cash and invented this oath-thing to get some cheddar.

I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice. - This is OK.

I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody if asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. - As a member of Elephant Larry, I break into horrible rashes when discussing politics in a public setting. Moving on.

I will not use the knife... - What? But what if they're suffering from stone?
...not even on sufferers from stone... - Oh no!
...but will withdraw in favor of such men as are [skilled] in this work. - Whew!

Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief, and in particular of sexual relations with both male and female persons, be they free or slaves. - Oh, and also, you aren't allowed to have sex. It's too mischievous. That OK? Yeah, well, too bad, you took an Oath. No, not even with slaves!

If I fulfill this Oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot. - So if you don't fulfill the Hippocratic Oath, you are forever cursed with...the opposite of good things. Presumably, these are bad things.

I think I have proven beyond all reasonable doubt that doctors are crazy. Thank you for your time.