Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Bloodmouth Strikes Again

There are moments when I follow a dumb idea to its logical conclusion and it ends up being kinda fun -- that time I had people sign my entire body for Slope Day '99 at Cornell, for example. No harm done, except for some sharpie-stained sheets later. Or like when I bought over 40 battledroids for a buck each utilizing a Toys-R-Us.com loophole.

Then there are other moments when I follow a dumb idea down the fucking rabbithole and what began as something amusing ends up being completely and utterly retarded. Yesterday, at our meeting, I experienced one of those moments.

Chris has recently taken to bringing in "presents" for Elephant Larry - and by presents, I mean shitty Viacom videotapes that are being given away for free at Comedy Central. Last meeting, he brought us all the Shania Twain episode of Behind The Music, which I think most of us threw away (with the possible exception of Jeff - he'll watch anything). So we were not hopeful yesterday when he asked to close our eyes and receive our gifts.

True to form, our "present" was a video of VH-1 Divas Live 99, which features "Nine Divas," "One Stage," and apparently "The Greatest Diva Concert Ever." We of course begin making fun of it, as is our wont, and I get the bright idea to just completely and utterly destroy the tape. So I start smashing it over my knee.

This is amusing, I think. I keep smashing it, because now I've committed to the idea of breaking it, and I'm not going to satisfied until I've well and truly destroyed it. It takes a bunch more smashing, but I eventually split the package open and break the entire video tape over my knee. I now have two halves of a videotape. What's next? What's the next logical step? Why, eating the tape of course. So I go to (mostly) pretend to chew on the video, at which point a horrible piece of flat metal goes into my mouth and shears off a piece of my gum that's right above my front teeth.

And I start bleeding profusely from my mouth. I look like Edward Norton in Fight Club after he beats himself up in his boss' office. It's disgusting. So I put some piece of wadded up napkin in my mouth and proceed to bleed the rest of the meeting. It eventually stops, but I feel pretty dumb. I mean, really. Chewing on a videotape? Most people know that chewing on a bunch of broken plastic and metal would be a dumb idea. At least I'm one of the few who knows WHY it's a dumb idea. Live and learn, baby.

And then I was called Bloodmouth the rest of the meeting.

7 comments:

Chris S. said...

I'm scared of what the middle ground would be for Bloodfoot and Bloodmouth.

mjs said...

so on the subway home yesterday, mary and i were talking about how we like to read the blog posts and guess who's writing them. and then if we guess wrong, we have to go back and read the entire thing in the voice of the person who actually wrote it, rather than the person who was in our heads. in what is possibly revealing about me, i immediately assumed this was written by jeff (cuz of the bloodfoot thing) changed my mind when i got to "jeff will listen to anything", and from then on read it in the voice of geoff. it's really jarring to reach the end of a blog post, realize that you need to wipe the image of geoff with a mouth full of bloody napkins from your mind, and start all over with stefan.
it's kinda fun, though. thanks for keeping me guessing....

~marni

christopher said...

Stefan fails to mention the chunk of gum-flesh he took out of his mouth and placed on the broken video cassette for all to see.

I won't be surprised if he gets a wicked mouthscar from this.

Stefan said...

Strangely, you can barely even see where I cut myself anymore...from a bizarre hole yesterday to a dark red blotch last night...and now, you can barely even see it, and it feels like it's already "filled in." I know the mouth is a quick healer, but it's really insane. Why can't the rest of the body heal as fast as the mouth?

christopher said...

If only our entire bodies were made out of pink gum-tissue...

brian said...

Marni, you really need to see the pictures of when Stefan had everyone sign him on Slope Day...

Nate said...

And you've got no right to take your place in the human race.