Thursday, June 02, 2005

Elephant Larry Goes To White Castle

As mentioned earlier, Elephant Larry will be competing in the semi-finals of “The Funny” tonight. This will be our third performance at the National Comedy Theatre this season. And if you ask a random EL member to tell you what it's like, there's a 70% chance that they'll include White Castle in their answer.

In the spirit of relevence, what follows is a detailed White Castle analysis from EL’s very own ECNY-nominated Technical Director, Monica Hill. Enjoy.

In my preparation for tonight’s visit to White Castle, I decided to venture onto their website. I opted to take a look at the nutritional information. What I found was fascinating and totally I had to write.

Now first, the heading on the nutritional page is as follows:

"Menu items and nutrition facts may vary slightly at select White Castle restaurants. Please choose the nutrition information specific to your state and city. Collect all 11!!!"

First, I'm astounded that their nutrition information varies between restaurants. Apparently I'm used to the rigid standardized system of McDonalds.

Second, what does 'collect all 11' mean? Are there 11 different menu varieties? And they're encouraging us to collect them? AND, they're encouraging use to collect all 11 with an enthusiasm level that requires 3 exclamation points???

So then I got obsessed with seeing the difference between Manhattan White Castles and other White Castles. Here are the results of my cross-sectional study:

1) As opposed to the Manhattan White Castle (MWC), the Coon Rapids, Minnesota White Castle has a "Chicken Sandwich" available. Okay, obvious: A) most chain restaurants have specialty sandwiches for regional taste differences, B) Coon Rapids-ians* love their Chicken Sandwiches.

2) At the MWC, onion rings are 290 calories, but in Glasgow, Kentucky** onion rings are 600 calories. Glasgow-ites also get 3 extra calories than us when they get chicken rings.***

3) The MWC menu is very similar in 'healthy' levels to the aptly named Mt. Healthy, Ohio menu. However, the MHO menu gives 5 cheese sticks per serving, as opposed to 3 in the MWC serving, which means Mt-ies**** get 1240 grams of sodium.

So in conclusion: 1) I apparently can't focus on my work at work today, and 2) we should feel happy that our dinner this evening is the healthiest food we could possibly eat, in the world, ever. Better than apples.

Monica "better than apples" Hill

*pronounced Rap-IDS-ians
**Glasgow, Kentucky is right near Louisville, Scotland
***What the hell are chicken rings?
**** pronounced MOUNT-ies

There ya have it. So grab a handful of burgers and come on out to the show! If we get eliminated, this will be your last opportunity to eat White Castle and watch Elephant Larry within the same city block and hour of time, if that makes sense. Which it very well may not.