Monday, July 18, 2005

Attention Somers High School Graduates

If you went to SHS like me, you’ll know that our mascot was a big, angry elephant, and our team name was the Tuskers.

That being the case, check out this morning’s most relevant news story.

Actually, massive school spirit aside, I was never totally sure what a Tusker really was. I always imagined it to be either:

a) Someone who savagely cuts the tusks off elephants (i.e. a poacher),

or

b) A hugely ferocious elephant that goes around impaling people. It uses both tusks at the same time to lift, or tusk, its victim up into the air, and with a mighty elephant roar, flings them away to die. It also may or may not stomp them to death.

For the sake of awesomeness, I usually opted for that second definition.

Turns out though, Tuskers are actually quite obvious and super-lame. Oh well.

Speaking of potentially awesome mascots, go ahead and read this, perhaps again.

7 comments:

Monica said...

I love the idea that these elephants are like, "listen you asshole poachers, We're not gonna grow tusks anymore."

Eventually we'll see bald sheep and cows saying, "fuck you, I'm not gonna have any muscle tissue anymore."

And also, at this point in the future, cows have the ability to speak. And, as it turns out, cows love to swear.

Alex said...

Yeah, and humans will be a like, "Forget it, I'm not going to grow a face or appendages," and we'll all be, like, big flesh-bags.

I'm right with you on this one, Mon.

Jesse said...

My mom has been calling be Tusker since I got teeth. And frankly, Tusker is one of the less embarassing nicknames.

Chris S. said...

Hey, it could be worse. There's been photographic evidence that my mascot from high school (and college, for that matter) has sprouted felt and lost all predatory instincts among a frog, a pig and a bear.

kathy said...

Another good McSweeney's list that made me giggle:

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced.

Anonymous said...

"Tusker": someone who defends "Tusk" as being superior to "Rumours". Syn: "new coker","new englander","next generationer"

Anonymous said...

GO BIG RED!!!!!