Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Dad Story #1

If you've ever met my father, you'll notice that he looks very similar to Larry David. Which is fitting, because he has very similar sensibilities as far as maintaining cosmic justice by making sure the little things don't go unnoticed or unpunished. This is my favorite incidence of such behavior. Forgive slight inaccuracies(, DAD):

One time my Dad was going to the mall. He circled and circled the parking lot until he finally found a spot. Unfortunately someone came careening into the spot, even though it was rightfully his. My Dad was understandably angry and proceeded to yell at this person as she exited her vehicle. My Dad likes doing this; if someone has wronged him, they need to be taught exactly what they did wrong, so they'll never do it again.

This woman's retaliation took the form of ignoring my Dad completely. As she walked away, my Dad got out of his car and yelled after her, continuing his lecture. He finally saw that it was fruitless and chose another tactic: threatening to pop her tires. He would never actually do this of course; he just wanted her to think he was.

"BOOM! There goes one!" my father yelled, even though he hadn't popped the tire. The woman kept walking, unperturbed. "BOOM, there's another!" Nothing. She kept walking. She knew my Dad's weakness. "BOOM! That's three! Only one more left!" She walked on.

Sensing defeat, my Dad played up the last one. "Here I go! Only one more left! I'm going to pop all your tires!" Apparently this woman's weakness was a sense of melodrama as she finally hesitated and glanced back slightly, presumably to make sure this maniac wasn't actually popping her tires. In this moment of hesitation she SLAMMED into a random pole jutting out of the ground. Walked right into it.

My Dad's response. "Ha! I win!"


Anonymous said...

Is your dad Ted Douglass?
-Ted's Wife

Geoffrey said...

Yes, my Dad is Ted Douglass.

Geoff Douglass

PS I love you Daddy!

Anonymous said...

BOOM! There goes another shameless EL plug!

Anonymous said...

Actually I screamed out, "I'm going to let the air out of all your tires". Puncturing (or even threatening puncturing)would be violent, not the stuff of giving a life-lesson.

And then I proceded to bend down to each tire for maybe 30 seconds or so and then yelled out, "That's ONE! Yup, it's flat, alright". TWO. THREE. FOUR.

But being that the name of the show is not "Sssss" I understand, Geoff, your taking liberty with the facts. So, yes, in the movie version each tire went, BOOM.

BTW the memory of her walking full stride, headfirst, and bouncing off that lamppost a good three feet, bearly staying on her feet is still fresh and satisfying.

It's why people believe in justice: Because every now and then they actually get a taste of it. Nothing better.

Chris S. said...

Elephant Larry needs to make a spin-off novelty T-shirt: "Geoff's Dad Rules!"

It should feature a cartoony Mr. Haggerty letting the air out of the Michelin Man.

I'll buy 3.

Geoffrey said...

Time and re-telling has clearly altered this story in my head...

I still love it though!

Come see our show BOOM!