Friday, July 08, 2005


Here is why umbrellas are terrible.

Umbrellas are terrible because they do not serve their primary function. That, of course, is keeping you dry.

Today I finally used an umbrella. I never use umbrellas. I saw that it was raining and I saw an umbrella lying around my apartment (don't tell my roommate), so I used it. I was reminded of why I never use umbrellas. It was 85% worthless. At the end of the five minutes it took to walk to my subway of choice:

-my legs were thoroughly soaked, as if I had not been using an umbrella.
-my bag was thoroughly soaked.
-water was dripping off my arms, soaked.
-there was a huge wet spot on the front of my shirt, reminding me that I have a gut. Thanks rain. Thanks umbrella.
-my SHOULDERS were wet.
-my face even got splashed once. I realize I should not blame this on the umbrella, as it is useless against all lateral water, but its job is to keep me dry. Find a way.
-the top of my head was perfectly dry.

I would say the only thing worse than being wet is being nonuniformly wet. That is to say, if half your body is soaked and half (to be generous) your body is dry, that's weird and unsettling.

So there you have it. If you want to keep a nice dry scalp, use an umbrella. You freaking wimp.

I realize I'm probably in the minority on this one.


Anonymous said...

OPEN the umbrella

Chris S. said...

Okay, that definitely wins the 2006 ECNY Award for Funniest Anonymous Comment in a July Elephant Larry's Group Blog Posting Since Chris S. Started Viewing EL Blogs.