My Thanksgiving Story

Here's the worst thing I witnessed all Thanksgiving:

I was riding the Long Island Rail Road home, and had placed myself in the back of the car with a bag on the seat next to me, so I wouldn't need to sit near anyone else. I don't think I need to mention that the train was packed. However, I had avoided anyone sitting down next to me with my clever ploy of "never looking them in the eyes." This works on buses as well. Try it!

Sitting in the seat in front of me was a... rather large man. He was very jolly, if you get my drift. Stout. Porcine. You know. Avoirdupois. And sitting next to him was a smaller man. After about a minute, the smaller man turned to me and asked, "Is that seat next to you taken?" I said, "No," and he moved back.

Wow, that's pretty awful, right? Somebody moves out of the seat next to you, but not to get closer to the door, or near a friend, just farther away from you. That's the worst thing, right?

Wait for it.

One minute later, a girl comes up, asks the roundish man whether the seat next to him was taken. "No, not anymore he says." She says great, then starts to sit down. Before she does though, she says to him, "Good thing I'm small, huh?"

"Yes," replied the portly man, and kind of laughed uncomfortably.

So in the space of two minutes, two entirely unrelated people had insulted this man's weight, basically to his face.

Worst thing of all, right? Wrong. The worst thing of all is that I then went home and posted about it on my comedy group's blog.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Related: Butterball 6