Thursday, March 15, 2007

My Problem With Taints

I'm talking about the perineum: the area between the anus and the posterior part of the external genitalia. Or, if you go by urbandictionary's definition: the area between the nutsack and asshole that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts. Oh, urbandictionary.

My problem with taint isn't so much what the word refers to, but where it comes from. The more common example: 'taint her pussy and 'taint her ass.

Well, okay, but you can't define something entirely by the fact that it's not something else. Because everything's not something else. That's just the nature of reality.

Rob and Jerry are sitting on a sofa in Rob's apartment.

Rob: So what do you think of my new taint?

Jerry: Um.

Rob: Comfy, isn't it?

Jerry: You mean your new sofa?

Rob: Hey. 'taint a racecar, 'taint a blueberry!

Jerry: ...I guess that's true.

Rob: Just feel it!

And scene. What I'm saying is this: unless all of the worldly things surrounding us somehow suddenly cease to exist as objects that are unique and distinct from one another, whenever we use the word taint we're also inadvertently acknowledging the inherent taint-ness of everything else around us. The computer your looking at right now? A taint. That apple you just bit into a second ago? A nice, juicy taint. The entire universe? One giant, mysterious, constantly-expanding and awe-inspiring taint. And I just don't think I want to live in a place like that. Do you?


Anonymous said...

Taint is indeed a very weak word. Might I put forth gooch, or preferably GRUNDLE. I prefer the latter, as it is somehow moe emotive-