Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I Am Trashcan: Mallo Cup

So here's a funny nickname I have: Trash Can. I got this nickname because I like to make my friends laugh and have a good time, so I buy the weirdest food I can find at truck stops, and eat it. And in return for the all the fun I give them, they call me Trash Can. Unbelievable.

Anyway, for my birthday, the boys in Elephant Larry got me a trash can filled with ridiculous candy, and I thought it would be nice to share my disgusting odyssey with all of you. So each day, I'll eat and review a new piece of candy.

Mallo Cup: As a special little Halloween present to myself, I decided to eat something that wasn't totally disgusting today. There's actually a couple of choices in my trashcan full of candy that aren't half bad*, but the first one that caught my eye was a package of Olde Timey Mallo Cups. The full name actually just being Mallo Cup (not even plural).

They're one of my favorite candies, and pretty appropriate for this... experiment. Sure, this is an experiment. They're appropriate because, generally speaking, Mallo Cup isn't available in NYC, and I only get to eat 'em when we're on Elephant Larry road trips.

For those of you who haven't been inducted into the drippy cult of Mallo Cup, they're essentially like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, with marshmallow in the center. Interestingly enough, a little research shows that Mallo Cup producers Boyer Candies actually still produce smooth and chunky Peanut Butter Cups. Bully for them.

They also have a totally ridiculous mascot:

Come on, at least TRY to approximate the shape of... Something about your product. Here, I made a mascot for M&Ms:

Anyway, they also used to make Fluffernutter flavor (awesome), and Butterscotch covered Peanut Butter (awesome?), but alas, no more.

Okay, enough chit chat.

- I remember them having thick chocolate, and being super goopy. Let's see if that's still true:

- Okay, so this one clearly stretches, which is nice. But if you get a really fresh Mallo Cup, it should, literally, get all over your chin. You should not be able to bite it without being forced to eat the whole thing.

- Don't get me wrong, this is pretty goopy.

- Okay, so since I'm clearly paying more attention this round that usual, I don't think I've ever noticed that these have shredded coconut in the... Skin? Rind? I actually had a moment of panic scanning the ingredients where I couldn't find coconut, and thought maybe I just got "Lucky Maggots Flavor." Turns out, there is coconut. Whew.

- There's also a vaguely disturbing chlorine flavor that greets you on the first bite. I was able to power through that, but still, kind of strange.

- One of the "fun" things about Mallo Cups is that they have "coins" redeemable for prizes in the packaging. While having a hard time yanking the card out of the package to take a picture, I found this:

Yup, that's half a Mallo Cup, dripping out, but it was packaged that way. I didn't do anything. There was a loose, half missing Mallo Cup in there, which makes me rethink the chlorine flavor a little bit.

So in a hilarious turn of events, the safe candy I was looking forward to may, in fact, kill me. If I do die, it's been a pleasure reviewing disgusting candy for you. Three out of Five Garbage Cans.

*Turns out, Jerf doesn't completely hate me... Just a lot.


Jeff said...

Man, that mascot just made me want M&M's in a bad way. It's working!

I'm so glad you found that Boyer Candies website; that front page is amazing.

I love how they claim "70 years of making candy the right way," and rather than having a picture of some happy-looking candy makers next to it, they have a graying picture of some machinery suggesting that Mallo Cups come out of a big typewriter.

I also love the beautiful graphic rendering of their anonymous headquarters building.

christopher said...

Fifteen hoorays for that M&M's logo!

Jordi said...

The M&M's logo is STILL killing me.

I know where to go for one stop Quit Being Sad image shopping: Thanks, M&M's Logo!

(You make me happy when skies are grey.)

I'm going to look at it one more time WITH GLEEFUL ABANDON.