Monday, November 26, 2007

I Am Trashcan: Supertaster Test

So here's a funny nickname I have: Trash Can. I got this nickname because I like to make my friends laugh and have a good time, so I buy the weirdest food I can find at truck stops, and eat it. And in return for the all the fun I give them, they call me Trash Can. Unbelievable.

Anyway, for my birthday, the boys in Elephant Larry got me a trash can filled with ridiculous candy, and I thought it would be nice to share my disgusting odyssey with all of you. So each day, I'll eat and review a new piece of candy.

Supertaster Test: Okay, so this totally wasn't in the Trashcan. I'm sorry. I lied to you. Can you forgive me, blog readers? You know you're the only ones for me baby. Come on, I love you babies. Don't go. It'll be different this time, I swear.

Good. I love you babies.

Anywho, if this isn't food from a trashcan, then why am I eating it? Good question, blog reader, and for the answer, we need to turn to one of your fellow blog readers, Doug Cress. He was nice enough to send me this Super Taster Test.

So what does that mean???

Well, according to the package Doug sent me, the tasting strips in a Supertaster Test "have been impregnated with a safe chemical that will vary in taste depending on your genetic makeup."

- Supertasters will find the paper extremely bitter.
- Tasters will detect a mildly bitter and/or bland taste.
- Non-Tasters will taste nothing.
- Sub-Tasters will feel their lives slipping away from them as they wallow in a pit of nothingness.

I made up that last one, FYI.

There's a few things that occur to me in advance of doing this test:

1) Knowing this in advance, I'm going to convince myself that I'm a Supertaster, regardless of what this actually tastes like, right?

2) There's very, very little chance I'm actually Supertaster.

3) There's a very, very large chance that Douglas Cress is trying to poison me/get me high on acid.

That's what you say, right? Get high on acid tablets? I LOVE getting high on acid tablets. I also love smoking marijuana cigarettes*.

So there's not going to be a whole lot of eating going on here. I'm going to stick a piece of paper on my tongue for 10 seconds, decide that I'm the best taster in America, and then go on with my life.

Let's see what happens!

- I'm drinking a glass of water to get all other tastes out of my mouth. Unfortunately, I ate a rather large peanut butter sandwich earlier today, so this is only helping make my entire mouth taste like old peanut butter.

- The tablets themselves are in a tiny, sealed bag, probably to protect them from the elements.

- Can you tell I'm trying to stretch out the process of putting a piece of paper in my mouth into a longer blog post? Because I am.

- The tabs smell like nothing. I hope I'm not a non-taster. That would be sad.

- I opened up an IM window with my lady, in case I start to die.

- Okay, here goes.

- Oh man, this is horrible from the get-go. Like, awful.

- At about five seconds, I literally start to retch.

- At ten seconds, the paper is starting to dissolve on my tongue, and I almost throw up.

- I immediately spit it out, and wash my mouth out repeatedly with water, but I still have a horrifying bitter taste in my mouth that won't go away, no matter how many jalapeno almonds I eat**.

Geoff Haggerty, don't look at this next picture.

So, we're in a good news/bad news type of situation here. I am, no faking, a Supertaster. The other good news is that Doug either used a slow acting poison, or he wasn't actually trying to kill me.

The bad news is, that was like eating acid, and not the type that I love doing tablets of at my rave parties.

Good experiment; terrible, terrible food. Zero trashcans.

Addendum #1: I would like to use this opportunity to say to all of you: Make my mailbox your trashcan! If you have something you'd like me to eat, e-mail me at, I'll send you my address, and then I'll stick whatever you send me in my mouth!

Addendum #2: Also, if you'd like to take your own Supertaster Test, head over here, and get ready to throw up!

Addendum #3: There was part of me that thought this had to be fake... The strip tasted so horrible, I couldn't imagine there were people who wouldn't taste anything. However, if you check out here and here, you can see other people testing the strip, and they don't even have as strong a reaction as I did. I rule! My taste buds are THE MOST AMAZING.

*This is, secretly, a joke for about seven people.

**I have some jalapeno almonds. They're pretty good.


Jago said...

Scott Pilgrim avatar!

mjs said...

oooh, also, your chat program is much prettier than AIM. sorry, AIM.

Murchie said...

These strips = nothing whatsoever to do with your *intensity* of tasting, but rather your ability to produce an enzyme that breaks down what I believe is a chicken urine derivative. Like how having a widow's peak is not the same as having Superhair. (You'd know.)

Real supertaster test is fairly simple, food color your tongue and count density of taste buds.

Alex said...

Colin: Please put together some sort of Superhair Test and mail it to me.

Thank you.