Thursday, January 24, 2008

Tips (that I plan to follow someday) for making your child into a walking joke.

The only point to having children is to give them stupid names that I get to laugh at every time I hear them.

The only problem is that stupid kids can change their names.

So you have to give them stupid names that have really cool nicknames built into them. That way, everyone calls them by their cool name, and your kid gets to be all cool, so they never change their name away from the stupid name. But deep down, you know they have a stupid name. And every time they show their ID, people will laugh. I will laugh.

Case in point:


That's a stupid name. I would love to laugh at a child named Jack-O-Lantern for days. And the cool part is they get to be called Jack. Who doesn't want to have Jack for a name? Awesome. So he'll grow up being that cool kid named Jack. Except for every time this happens:

"Hey, I'm Jack."

"Nice to meet you. So what's your actual name? John? James?"

"Actually, it's short for Jack-O-Lantern."


Another case in point:

Ice Cream.

A guy that everyone calls "Ice" will get laid all the time and ride motorcycles forever. But when his wife gets mad at him, she will still call him Ice Cream Solomon. What an idiot. HIS DAD IS HILARIOUS.



"Can I buy you a drink, handsome?"

"Sure. I'm Tom."

"I'm Valerie. So, how 'bout we have that drink in my room, Thomas?"

"Actually, it's short for Tomtomtomtomtomtom. Where'd you go?"



"Hey, Zap, could you step into my office?"

"Sure, boss. What's up?"

"I was just trying to send you an email, but I can't find you in the company directory."

"Did you search under PizzaParty? One word."

"PizzaParty? I thought your name was Zap. What gives?"

"It's a long story. I'm fired, right?"

"Well yeah."

I'm planning on having at least twenty stupid kids, so if anyone has more suggestions, please send 'em in.


mjs said...

i'm pretty sure i've mentioned this before, ut i know a couple with girl triplets. their last name is graham. the girls are named candice, millicent and holly.

candy graham
millie graham &
holly graham.

you're welcome.

Mike Babish said...

Well, I was planning to name my child "Pancy". That way, not only would he hate me, but one day he'd be walking in the grocery store, and he would realize that his full name is just an anagram of "Baby Spinach". And then he would hate me even more. Ordinarily, I wouldn't approve of causing a child pain, but a raging child named "Pancy" is just inherently hilarious.

Sadly, my wife has vetoed this plan, so I'll have to think of something else.

Baz said...

sell the naming rights to your children to the highest bidder.


FedEx© Ellis-Lawrence
Bank Of America® Solomon
Vitorin® Principe
The Wire® Haggerty® Zalben

Cake Batter Jordi said...

Traditional Hobo names are the best. With Hobo names, there are no surprises - you know who this person basically is. If a kid's name is Train Whistlin' Amy, you know that she can either whistle just like a train or that she spends recess riding the rails. Knive War Susan can hold her own in a knife war. Peas O'Pete loves peas. The only time when this backfires is if they have a name like Suprise Facepunch Jenny.

I guess there ARE some surprises when naming your kid a Traditional Hobo name.

N K said...

1. Apollo Rudolfo Solomon

2. Allen Solomon short for Allentown Thebillyjoelsongnotthetown Solomon

3. Hobo Solomon short for Hoboken, New Jersey Solomon

Anonymous said...

I wanted to name all my kids "Squirt" or "Little BAstard" and then tell them that if i like them, then when they are 8 or 9 I'd let them have a real name.

wife vetoed that one.

but to make up for it.. I tend to call our kid Sackoshit.

SD said...

I named my son Owen, because I lived in St. Paul at the time, and I love to hear Minnesotans say words that start with a long O. They make it into a twenty-second, three-vowel diphthong, and it is awesome.