Go, Zalben, Go!

HA HA I TRICKED YOU IT'S THE WRONG ZALBEN.

Related Item #1: According to Alex, all Zalbens are closely related. Ask him about it if you want. I can't do everything for you.

Related Item #2: We filmed one of our first videos ever at PB&Co, and it feels really really surreal to watch it again 5 years later.

Tips (that I plan to follow someday) for making your child into a walking joke.

The only point to having children is to give them stupid names that I get to laugh at every time I hear them.

The only problem is that stupid kids can change their names.

So you have to give them stupid names that have really cool nicknames built into them. That way, everyone calls them by their cool name, and your kid gets to be all cool, so they never change their name away from the stupid name. But deep down, you know they have a stupid name. And every time they show their ID, people will laugh. I will laugh.

Case in point:

Jack-O-Lantern.

That's a stupid name. I would love to laugh at a child named Jack-O-Lantern for days. And the cool part is they get to be called Jack. Who doesn't want to have Jack for a name? Awesome. So he'll grow up being that cool kid named Jack. Except for every time this happens:

"Hey, I'm Jack."

"Nice to meet you. So what's your actual name? John? James?"

"Actually, it's short for Jack-O-Lantern."

"BWA HAHAHA STUPID."

Another case in point:

Ice Cream.

A guy that everyone calls "Ice" will get laid all the time and ride motorcycles forever. But when his wife gets mad at him, she will still call him Ice Cream Solomon. What an idiot. HIS DAD IS HILARIOUS.

Also:

Tomtomtomtomtomtom.

"Can I buy you a drink, handsome?"

"Sure. I'm Tom."

"I'm Valerie. So, how 'bout we have that drink in my room, Thomas?"

"Actually, it's short for Tomtomtomtomtomtom. Where'd you go?"

And:

PizzaParty.

"Hey, Zap, could you step into my office?"

"Sure, boss. What's up?"

"I was just trying to send you an email, but I can't find you in the company directory."

"Did you search under PizzaParty? One word."

"PizzaParty? I thought your name was Zap. What gives?"

"It's a long story. I'm fired, right?"

"Well yeah."

I'm planning on having at least twenty stupid kids, so if anyone has more suggestions, please send 'em in.

3032!

I love names and I love gadgets. So this is my favorite thing.

For your edification:

Lawrence - 219th
Solomon - 726th
Haggerty - 3032nd
Principe - Unranked
Zalben - 1st

Thirty

Would be a completely wasted nickname on someone named Xander Xerxes Xavier.