Go, Zalben, Go!

HA HA I TRICKED YOU IT'S THE WRONG ZALBEN.

Related Item #1: According to Alex, all Zalbens are closely related. Ask him about it if you want. I can't do everything for you.

Related Item #2: We filmed one of our first videos ever at PB&Co, and it feels really really surreal to watch it again 5 years later.

Coffee and Fish

Maybe this isn't normal.

I've been eating tuna salad for lunch and dinner all week long (that's not the part I'm worried about), and I'm finding that I have a strong craving for coffee to go with my tuna fish. A really strong craving. It's so delicious.

Now, I understand why I might have an associative, nostalgia-based connection between these two foods. Many of my earlier tuna salad experiences involve bagels, and bagels pair well with coffee. But there's no reason to assume this connection should work without the bagel in between. It just works on its own; coffee and fish and mayonnaise taste good together. Somehow.

This isn't how things are supposed to be. I know it sounds gross on paper, but try it before drawing any conclusions. Or perhaps you already have and you agree with me, and this actually is normal after all. Perhaps.

Come on, Whole Foods.

I'm obsessed with cooking. I love seafood. I butcher my own fish all the time. There's nothing remotely gross about the sight of a whole, deceased fish to me.

But is this seafood display really necessary? (I've hidden this in a link rather than embedded it so as to not subject the unwilling. Buyer beware.)

FYI, I snapped this picture at the Whole Foods where they shot Top Chef this season. Thanks to Bravo for choosing not to include footage of this kinda crap. I sometimes eat while watching Top Chef.

UPDATE: Thanks to SE:NY for the link! You guys rule.

UPDATE: And Grub Street!

Never Stop Eating

Tomorrow morning, for the first time since, oh, I don't know, 1983 or something, I'm having a routine* physical done. In order to do that, I was told I need to fast, but promptly forgot when that was supposed to start. Then, when I got on the phone with the doctor's office, I completely blanked on the word "fast." Scrambling to say something, the way I asked was:

"When do I have to stop eating?"

Which of course implies that I will never, ever stop eating, right up until that moment. And that I will only do so with much regret, because I'd really prefer to never stop eating food.

The funnier part about this is, it's pretty much true. If I could just keep stuffing food down my gullet, I would.

Anyway, Midnight is when I need to start fasting, in case anyone is out with me at the Cheesecake Factory.

*I like using the word routine here, because it implies something that is done a regular basis, which this clearly is not.

The Great Maple Syrup Mystery!

Unfortunately, not quite weird enough to warrant a book with the above title, which I totally would have bought otherwise. Dammit.

Stick this delicious juice in your veins

Lots of fun facts are thrown out during an episode of Iron Chef America, but the best one I've ever heard was in a rerun of "Battle Chocolate and Coconut" that I saw last night (2 simultaneous secret ingredients, sacrilegious), where Alton Brown mentioned that coconut water is sterile and was actually used as an intravenous solution in World War II. Apparently, it continues to be used where hospitals cannot afford saline but there are lots of coconuts.

I have to remember to request a coconut IV bag next time I'm hospitalized. I think I'm willing to pay a few extra bucks.

Grittier rat/food cartoon

Oh neat! Someone crossed Ratatouille and Beowulf and suck!

Yes, I know it's based on a book, and no, that doesn't matter.

At the booth

My booth didn't break today, as it did for many others (Stefan, my brother, lots of people in NJ). I didn't have to fill out a paper ballot or even stand in line for very long. I was at a packed voting site, yet managed to get in at a point where the wait time was more than reasonable.

My only voting experience of note was that I stood in line behind a human raisin. She was around 90 years old, stood no taller than 4 foot six, wore a tight wrinkly down coat, and bounced a little from side to side when she advanced on the line.

Oh, and she had glasses. Raisins wear glasses, right?

Anyway, yeah. Human raisin. Quite adorable, and as it turns out, DELICIOUS.

Newman, hungry.

Just a great, simple picture from the Times that reminded me of my Newman fandom.

Sad.

"Would you like some hot dogs with that?"

...is now, officially, my new favorite phrase ever spoken by a human being.

When I got asked that at the Regal Cinemas in Times Square last night, here are my thoughts, in order:

- "Really? They actually make you guys say that?"

- "What? With my bag of candy?"

- "Hot dogs are a side dish?"

- "I don't know, maybe."

- "Wait, no, I don't want any hot dogs."

- "I don't know, you do like hot dogs."

- "Yeah, true. And, it would be pretty hilarious to eat hot dogs at midnight."

- "And then you could blog about it!"

- "That's true. That would be funny..."

- "There you go. How many do you want?"

- "No, come on, I don't need hot dogs. I'm not even hungry. I'm only treating myself to candy because I'm upset that I have to see a Midnight showing of Clone Wars."

- "Yeah, what's up with that?"

- "I have to review it, and have the review up first thing in the morning."

- "Uh. I'm sorry, that sucks."

- "Yeah... It's cool. Thanks, though."

- "Hey, you know what would make you feel better?"

- "What?"

- "Hot dogs."

- "Yeah, that's true, I... WAIT A SECOND! Stop tricking me."

- "I'm not! Hot dogs."

- "Come on, stop it!"

- "Red Bull."

- "Now you're just quoting the Yes Man trailer."

- "Shhh... The movie's starting."

[90 Minutes Later]

- "Hey, wake up, the movie's over."

- "Huh? What? Did they resolve anything?"

- "I don't know, I was asleep, too. You want to grab a hot dog before we head home?"

- "Oh, you."

[The End]

3.5 Lb Hot Dog

Who's coming to West Virginia with me?

Food And Sports

Hey everyone, here is my favorite thing we've done at Onion Sports since I got there.

haHA!

I've been made fun of plenty of times for my obscure taste in cereal. But New York Adam Platt just gave a big ol' rave to my favorite cereal of all time, Ezekiel 4:9. And this is a food critic scoring purely for taste, not for health. Read it and weep, jerks.

Peanut Butter Question.

I need peanut butter every single day. Since the world is going to hell in a handbasket, I decided I had to go to Whole Foods before the EL rehearsal last night to replenish my supplies. But I didn't have enough time, so I asked another EL member who was already heading there to grind me some and bring it to me.

He made fun of me for this.*

Which leads me to the Peanut Butter Question:

Is it too weird/large a favor to ask, to request that someone grind and buy peanut butter for you?

(If you're not familar with the Whole Foods PB grinding process: there is no manual labor involved here. You flick a switch on a machine and it grinds out as much as you want. But without a doubt, it's more work than grabbing a jar off a shelf.)

My personal opinion is that it is not weird, but that's just because I eat so many apples with peanut butter every day.

I'm guessing the rest of the world disagrees on this?




*This anonymous EL member did, however, grant me my request, after a healthy bout of ribbing.

I Am Trashcan: Marni's Birthday, Part 1

So here's a funny nickname I have: Trash Can. I got this nickname because I like to make my friends laugh and have a good time, so I buy the weirdest food I can find at truck stops, and eat it. And in return for the all the fun I give them, they call me Trash Can. Unbelievable.

Anyway, for my birthday, the boys in Elephant Larry got me a trash can filled with ridiculous candy, and I thought it would be nice to share my disgusting odyssey with all of you. So each day, I'll eat and review a new piece of candy.

---

Okay, one more post (well, two) about something not from a trashcan, and then, only things I'm eating out of a trashcan.

For my lady-friend's birthday, we had a food-stravaganza in two locations: Park Slope's Sweet Melissa, for tea; and Mario Batali's Otto, for din-din. So how did the two stack up?

Sweet Melissa's Sweet Tea: They don't call it that, but they should, because my teeth nearly fell out of my head. And let me tell you, the only thing currently keeping them anchored there is sticky candy, so that's not that much of an accomplishment.

Tea, as you know, comes on a series of stacked platters, so let's start with first things first:

We started off with scones with clotted cream and jam. The scones were cranberry/orange (we shared). They proceeded to fall apart all over me, giving the impression that I was five and this was my first high tea outside the house. Also, I am a little girl. Unrelated.

Other than the crumble, they tasted fine. The cream was... A little too creamy. It was more like cream cheese than clotted cream, which was disappointing. And the jam was fine, but essentially an over-powering flavor.

Second course:


Let me tell you what you're seeing here:

- A fillo pastry covered in curried chicken salad. This was totally fine, but a little too chunky on the chicken, not enough curry.

- A salmon/something/a third thing wrap, which was pretty good, and light on fishy flavor. We got into a huge argument about whether there was, in fact, any cheese in it, and then broke up.

- A mushroom quiche, easily the best thing in the whole meal, was delicious, plump, and peppery.

Third Course:


This is where things went horribly wrong, at least for me. And Marni. And the restaurant. For you see:

- I get headaches if I eat too much sugar.

- Marni is allergic to nuts.

As you may be able to see, the dessert is made up of a hazelnut cake petit four, a tiny mango and rasberry/blackberry tart, a truffle, and a nut/praline type thing that I forget the name for.

1) Everything was way too sweet for me. I spent the rest of the day with my head pulsing from all the sugar.

2) Marni was able to cleverly avoid all the nut items, except the hazelnut cake.

We told the server that Marni was allergic to nuts, and with alarm, she said, "But that's a hazelnut cake."

We said that it was fine, to which she repeated that it was a hazelnut cake, and explained that it was a mild allergy.

As if we would be sitting there, calmly discussing thing if she was deathly allergic to nuts.

In any case, the food was fine, and not overwhelming like Tea & Sympathy's tea. However, it was also nowhere near as delicious (except for the mushroom quiche). Three trashcans:



Next up, Otto...

I Am Trashcan: Chocolate Bacon

So here's a funny nickname I have: Trash Can. I got this nickname because I like to make my friends laugh and have a good time, so I buy the weirdest food I can find at truck stops, and eat it. And in return for the all the fun I give them, they call me Trash Can. Unbelievable.

Anyway, for my birthday, the boys in Elephant Larry got me a trash can filled with ridiculous candy, and I thought it would be nice to share my disgusting odyssey with all of you. So each day, I'll eat and review a new piece of candy.

---

I'm still getting a little caught up here, and back to the physical trashcan itself (yes, a trashcan full of candy has been sitting on my floor for several months. Deal with it), but in the meantime, here's another thing that was made the same day as the Breakfast Tacos: Chocolate Bacon.

I don't quite remember what the genesis of this was, but I do remember that it went as far back as our trip to Charleston two years ago. If someone wants to jog an old man's memory, he would be much obliged... The idea was simple: have chocolate covered bacon for breakfast.

The idea was made more complicated by the fact that it had to be hot bacon, covered in rock hard chocolate, or it wouldn't make sense. It's easy to melt chocolate on bacon, or put bacon in chocolate, then in the freezer over-night. It's harder to make fresh, crispy, hot bacon, and cover it in chocolate.

The reason this was finally made, the same day as the Breakfast Tacos, was that we had plenty of magic shell on hand. Oh, and also, I had a bunch of bacon sitting around. So I fried up about six strips, put it on a plate, and then drenched it with Magic Shell:



I will say, it took a good long while to actually harden, but once it did, boy oh boy... It was weird.

I'm a big fan of salty and sweet, so it wouldn't say this tasted bad. However, I also wouldn't say it tasted good. Probably the biggest problem was tasting soft, chewy fat under mounds of sickly sweet chocolate. I had two strips, but mainly because nobody else wanted to try any.

All in all, not a bad experiment. And I'd certainly try it again with better chocolate, and better bacon. Yeah, that would make the difference. Three trashcans.

I Am Trashcan: Breakfast Tacos

So here's a funny nickname I have: Trash Can. I got this nickname because I like to make my friends laugh and have a good time, so I buy the weirdest food I can find at truck stops, and eat it. And in return for the all the fun I give them, they call me Trash Can. Unbelievable.

Anyway, for my birthday, the boys in Elephant Larry got me a trash can filled with ridiculous candy, and I thought it would be nice to share my disgusting odyssey with all of you. So each day, I'll eat and review a new piece of candy.

---

Okay gang, it's been a good long while since I posted one of these, but I'm getting to get all Sister Act 2 on this feature's ass, starting right now.

Before there was a trashcan, there was only a trashcan of the mind. That trashcan existed not just in my mind, but the minds and hearts of children everywhere. Children like the other guys in Elephant Larry, and Ele-friend Mary.

Back in September, we made a week-long trip to Los Angeles. While waiting for Chris and Jeff to pick up our rental cars, myself, Geoff, and Mary had the following discussion, though I don't remember who said what, so I'm going to make up names:

Goof: I'm really hungry.

Lex: Yeah, me too... Hey, we should get tacos.

Maury: Ohmigod, yes, let's get tacos.

Lex: How many tacos are you going to get?

Goof: I don't know, how many tacos do you eat for a full meal?

Maury: Two? Three?

Lex: How about we don't eat anything except tacos for the rest of the trip?

This turned into two discussions, one after the other:

Discussion #1: How Many Tacos Do We Need to Eat
- We were going to be in LA for seven days.
- There were six of us.
- We would be eating three meals a day, each.
- We assumed that each meal consisted of three tacos.
Conclusion: We will need to eat 378 tacos.

Discussion #2: What Kind of Tacos Should We Have For Breakfast?

This discussion was a little less mathematical, natch. We determined that we should have Breakfast Tacos for breakfast, which made a lot of sense. Then, we tried to figure out what Breakfast Tacos were, and what was in them.

Part of it was determined in the car rental facility.

Part of it was determined by myself and Mary during our stay in LA.

The Breakfast Tacos did not happen until December 30th, 2007; three months after our trip.

Here is the result:

How To Make Breakfast Tacos
- 2 Soft Taco Shells
- Cinnamon Toast Crunch
- Magic Shell
- Butter
- Heavy Cream
- Green Food Coloring
- You'll also need a frying pan and a whisk

Before you get started, pour Cinnamon Toast Crunch into a bowl, and smash it until it's basically crumbs, with some small chunks remaining.

At this point, you'll also want to add the green food coloring to the heavy cream, and start whipping it with the whisk.

Take the pan, heat it, and cover it with butter. Dump in the ground CTC, and add one taco shell. The taco shell should heat up pretty quickly, probably about 15-30 seconds. Flip the shell. As soon as it's coated and golden on both sides, remove from the pan.

Lay the second taco shell on a plate, and cover it with Magic Shell. DO NOT LET IT HARDEN. Take the heated, coated taco shell, and place it firmly on top of the taco covered in magic shell.

Fill the interior taco with more CTC. Hopefully, by this point, you should have your green whipped cream ready (it's guacamole, get it?) Put it in the shell, fold, and eat!

For some reason, everybody but myself and Mary thought this would be gross. They were wrong. Five out of five trashcans.

While The Food Network's In Firing Mode

PLEASE FIRE/KILL THIS WOMAN.

Please.

Please Please Please.

Via.

Chili's Big Mouth Bites

Just saw a commercial for this on ye olde television:



BIG MOUTH® BITES*
Enjoy a serving of four savory mini beef burgers topped with applewood smoked bacon, American cheese, sauteed onions and Ranch dressing on a sesame seed buns. Served with crispy onion strings, homestyle fries and jalapeño-ranch dressing on the side.


You read correctly. These burgers have RANCH DRESSING ON THEM.

AND ENTIRELY DIFFERENT RANCH DRESSING ON THE SIDE.

What has become of our world???

Unrelated note: Anyone want to go to Chilis with me?

Easy E

Say what you want about their football prowess, but Eli Manning is much better at improv than his brother: