Banking Story 4: The Fake Bank Story

Today I woke at 7:30. I brushed my teeth for 45 minutes, brushed my teeth for 15 minutes, and then left immediately for the bank. Today being Free Dollar Thursday, I was expecting a long line, so I wanted to be the first one there.

And indeed I was! I strode right up to the counter and plugged myself into the ATM. I chatted with the ATM for a while about my father and its father, and then we got right down to business. I needed sixty dollars in cash and the ATM needed an ounce of fool's blood. We decided it was an even trade.

60 dollars later and a little woozy, I started to leave the bank, but I realized I almost forgot the main reason I went! Free Dollar Thursday!

I turned left at the food court and monkey-barred my way over to the Free Dollar Amphitheater. I was greeted by the Sledge Teller, who smiled at me warmly and handed me a sledgehammer. I had been dreaming of this moment since last Thursday.

I inhaled nervously and started charging towards the enormous pink piggy bank in the center of the arena. As expected, the piggy started bucking and kicking up dirt. I wished I had worn my protective goggles. The piggy struck first, striking me square in the chest with its retractable snout. I buckled over, gasping for breath as the piggy sucked back its snout. A small audience of 35,000 had gathered to watch the proceedings, and the majority had already claimed the piggy the unofficial winner, cheering for the cyborg oinker and tossing oversize pennies into its oversize coin slot.

However, I knew had a second wind coming. As the piggy sauntered away with its round porcine head raised proudly in the air, I shouted after it, "IT'S NOT OVER YET, YOU BIG CUTE STUPID PIG THING!" The pig turned around, not knowing English. I quickly translated my war cry into an angry facial expression, and the piggy got the gist. We started charging toward one another. Fans were chucking enormous dimes at the piggy's coin slot. One enormous dime bounced off my face and exploded. I didn't even care.

The piggy and I united in an incendiary clash that sent the audience into whooping cheers and grunts of excitement. It whipped its really short tail at me and missed. I swung at it valiantly with my sledgehammer, but the giant hog was too fast. And then inspiration struck.

I lifted an enormous quarter up off the ground, a giant piece of loose change that had been tossed by an enthusiastic audience member. With one great heaving motion, I thrust the coin into the air. The whole world stopped. The piggy and the crowd watched the coin flip upwards to the skies. "Why did you throw the quarter? Are you trying to land it in my slot?" thought the piggy. Predictably, the piggy took this as a gesture of surrender, and positioned himself underneath the whirling coin, waiting to accept its bounty. I took my only chance, and swung my sledgehammer hard and true. My hammer met the piggy's tummy with a big FUTH sound. The piggy stumbled back in shock as a crack started to form. It shook its head at me in disbelief right before it combusted.

Cyborg bacon flew everywhere. I dropped the sledgehammer, picked up my Free Dollar, and left the arena, wiping my brow with my new prize.


Four more dollars to go before I get to buy a sandwich! Yahoo!