Mmmmm!

Very rarely does an establishment adopt a name so ill-advised and off target, that it somehow succeeds in transcending its own stupidity. But such is the case with a small gas station on the Lower East Side, whose name becomes almost beautiful in its stupid, stupid complexity.



Gaseteria’s name haunts me. Whenever I walk by, I’m overwhelmed with this urge to barge through the door, grab the attendant by the collar and somehow simultaneously yell “Shame on you!” and “How did you come up with that?!” It’s this frustrating mixture of wonder and disgust, and my brain just doesn’t know what do with it.

I guess that's what amazes me most about Gaseteria: it’s such a bad name for so many reasons. Four major reasons, to be exact, with various combinations of sub-reasons emerging.

You see, upon reading the Gaseteria sign, four words instantly come to mind. They are: Cafeteria, Gasoline, Diarrhea, and Gas (as in, indigestion). For the record, there are also conceptual flashes of dysentery, tears, ass, and hysteria, but let’s just stick with the main ones for now.

These four words immediately start mixing and merging into terrible and disgusting hybrid-concepts that not only make me wanna vomit, but reinforce this idea of WHY WOULD YOU POSSIBLY NAME YOUR BUSINESS GASETERIA???

There are six possible combinations:

#1: Gasoline Cafeteria

I think this is what the guys in the Gaseteria Marketing Dept were going for. You see, their business is like a cafeteria. But where they serve gasoline. To your car. Or maybe even to you. To eat and drink. Because that’s what you do in cafeterias! And right there is major error #1: Mixing the ideas of eating, drinking, and GASOLINE.

#2 & #3: Gasoline Diarrhea & Gasoline Indigestion

This is probably what might happen if you drank a whole bunch of gasoline, I bet. Death maybe too.

#4 & #5: Cafeteria Indigestion & Cafeteria Diarrhea

Okay. Granted, nothing to do with gasoline or cars, but not exactly the best image to convey when you're TRYING TO CONVINCE ME TO GIVE YOU MY MONEY TO BUY YOUR PRODUCT.

#6: Diarrhea Gas

Yahoo!

And of course, there are all the other possible tangential ideas: Strange cars that run off of indigestion, or picturing Gaseteria as a distant country full of gasoline and liquid feces! You see, I can’t speak for anyone else, but these are all the crazy thought-shards stabbing my brain within the five-second span after seeing that stupid fucking sign.

It’s really impressive. Somehow, this specific arrangement of nine letters can simultaneously conjure images of poison, intestine, chemicals, disease, sadness, fecal matter, the human ass, and high school.

Unfortunately, the Gaseteria in my neighborhood was recently sold, with a new luxury condo slated to replace it. And honestly, I’m actually a little sad. Sure there might be some alternatives, but nothing else elicits such a strong emotional response.

So, I guess what I’m saying is: Thank you, Gaseteria. I hate you. And I’ll miss you.