The Ballad Of LAYZOR

Last night, representatives of four New York City are sketch comedy groups got together to shoot each other with invisible lasers. Twelve people in total descended upon Lazer Park in Times Square and proceded to engage in a double mission of walking quickly, ducking and not coming within five feet of each other, as per Lazer Park rules.

It was exhausting. It was war. It was hell.

The first game went to Becca Greene of the Royal We. The second to Dan Zalevsky of Fearsome and the third to Becky Poole of MEAT. By time we had reached our fourth and final game, each group had a winner...except Elephant Larry. This is despite the fact that we had four more people there than any other group. Total and utter embarassment was knocking at our laser-door.

But then, like a gift from the heavens, came our savior. You may know him as Alex. You may know him as Zalben. You may know him as Alexander Zalben. But we in Elephant Larry will forever know him as LAYZOR.

With pinpoint accuracy and guts to match, LAYZOR decimated the tired, weak competition. LAYZOR dealt only in stealth and precision, at one point blasting me in my shoulder sensor and smoothly ducking behind a gigantic neon-colored pillar like a professional assassin. Then the game was over.

It was a tense wait for the scores. Finally, LAYZOR'S laser-sensor vest starting flashing and whirring and beeping uncontrollably, which apparently meant he had won. And boy had he won. In a match where no one else cracked 850 points (50 for a kill, -10 for a death), LAYZOR racked up a cool 1190.

It was a pleasure fighting you, LAYZOR. May your shields be forever down!