Thursday, July 14, 2005

Five Reasons Why "Volvic" Is A Terrible Name For Bottled Water

1) Volvic sounds like a type of acid.

Like citric acid, or hydrochloric acid, or sulfuric acid—these are all names of acids that Volvic sounds like. ‘Cause nothing quenches a hot summer thirst better than a big bottle of strong, concentrated, throat-burning acid.

2) Volvic sounds a little too much like Vulva.

While I suppose there are some poetic water/vulva origin-of-life parallels to be had, I’m pretty sure even the most ardent feminists prefer their bottled water 100% vagina-free.

3) Volvic sounds like Volvo.

Most people have positive associations with this quality Swedish car company, but the only liquids I associate with Volvos, and with any other cars for that matter, are: motor oil, windshield wiper fluid, battery acid (see #1), and gasoline. Mmmmmmmmm!

4) Volvic comes in awkwardly squarish bottles.

I’m not sure why this bothers me, but it does. Kinda like how midgets make me vaguely uncomfortable. I can’t totally explain this right now, so I won’t.

5) Volvic is also terrible for a fifth reason.

I actually don’t have a fifth reason why Volvic is a terrible name. I just used the number five instead of four to suggest I have a slightly stronger argument than I do. I think you know what I mean.

Anyway, that’s it. If you enjoy Volvic water, please go ahead and keep drinking it. Or any bottled water for that matter. I don’t really care. In any case, you’re just wasting your money.


Neal K said...

You know what would make a great name for bottled water?

Anonymous said...


Neal K said...

Why yes, anonymous, you're exactly right. Exactly right.

mary said...

i don't know if i should be admitting this either, but, in my family, we have, on occasion, classified some people as being "uncomfortably small". it's just a feeling; nothing i can explain either. i'm sorry. but i bet small people find tall people "uncomfortable big" too. perhaps now i should also admit to my crippling small-girl envy. wish i was small. and oh yeah, volvic also makes me think of vomit. though that's a weak #5 too...

christopher said...

Yes! Vomit!

But it even goes beyond word similarities. The basic act of saying the word, Volvic, is just like what your mouth and throat muscles do when you actually vommit.

Just say it, really slowly: Voooolvic.

Particularly that VOLV. It's really hard to say it without looking totally disgusted. Even try smiling while you say it. It doesn't help at all. Everything about this word is totally vommitty.

Anonymous said...

I rather like the bottles- they feel less flimsy than the poland spring ones that always crumple in my bag.

But I don't like that they cost 50c more that other bottled waters. Also, the name sounds less gross when pronounced the french way (vol-VIQUE), although then it's french.

Anonymous said...

Conflicts of interests should always be admitted. Right, Chris?

christopher said...

I have no idea what you're talking about...