Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Fastest Way To Ruin Your Life

Because I'm frequently bored, I often think things like "What singular action could I take to disrupt my life the most?"

Obviously violent crime ranks high up there, but I try to think of more minor things that would still have a major impact on my life. And I think I've hit on it.

Go to a performance of Alex's other sketch comedy group, Madame Funnypants. Stand up. Throw my keys as hard as I can at Alex's face.

I think that would probably ruin my life, but in mostly very subtle ways.

First, and most direct, Alex would probably be very angry with me. Throwing keys at someone's face is pretty bad in general. Doing it while they're onstagem thus ruining a performance? That's pretty lame. Alex has assured me he would remain friends with me were I to do this, but I certainly wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

Second, a good deal of my friends are also performers and/or friends with Alex. I'm going to lose a lot of trust amongst them as well...lots of leering and suspicion and back-biting. That Stefan is such a gossip!

Third, due to the "friend who are performers" theory, I'd probably be barred from some shows that I'd really want to see. People don't like having keys throw at them onstage.

Lastly, I'd probably lose my keys, which would really suck cuz I still haven't made a second set.


Alex said...

To be perfectly honest with you, I'd be BETTER friends with you if you did this.

dusty said...

ditto. please throw keys at alex's face.

christopher said...

If you can't find keys, an empty coke can would suffice.

brian said...

Although a full coke can would make a better visual effect...

Alex said...

Wrong, grandpa. We tested that theory last night.

When I threw a coke can at Chris.

In case that wasn't clear.

Anonymous said...

I can't help but be thinking mostly of the potential serious injury that would result from a throwing of keys at Alex. Unless of course you're talking of those set of plastic keys made by fisher-price that some people think are only for babies.

But if you're talking about real keys, hold on pardner, you could almost knock his head off.

Then again, I'm a janitor and maybe my idea of a set of keys is different than yours. I have to register mine with the police as a lethal weapon.

But mostly because I use them to open the doors of people in my apartment building and then shoot them.

No, not the keys, the people. I SHOOT THE PEOPLE.

Why would I shoot my keys?