Thursday, March 09, 2006


I expected to receive my next NetFlix movie yesterday. NetFlix is pretty reliable; when they say "The Ice Storm" is gonna be there Wednesday, "The Ice Storm" is GONNA be there Wednesday.

Except when I opened my mailbox there was no "The Ice Storm." There was only an envelope from the United States Postal Service with a huge clear window on the front. Visible through that window was a shard of the front my NetFlix packaging. On the back was the following text in bright blue:


I want to extend my sincere apology as your Postmaster for the enclosed document that was inadvertently dmaged in handling by your Postal Service."

Clearly the USPS kidnapped my DVD and sent me this clip of paper as they would send an ear had they kidnapped a human being. I don't know exactly what the ransom is; they wouldn't say.

They went on:

"We are constantly working to improve our processing methods so that these incidents will be eliminated. You can help us greatly in our efforts if you will continue to prepare and address each letter or parcel that you enter into the mailstream."

From this paragraph I get the distinct impression that this kidnapping was my fault. If only I had been a better mailer, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Except I did not send this NetFlix DVD. NetFlix did.

Ah well. I'll pay them whatever they want.



Anonymous said...

The machine that ate it was probably made in Owego, NY at the Lockheed-Martin plant there.

Their mainstay is sub-killing and special ops "black" aircraft, but their sideline, inexplicably, is a giant mail-sorting machine using much of the same technology.

Trust me, your DVD is long dead. As an engineer, you can design the most innocent piece of equipment you want. But when it sits immobile on the hangar floor, looks over the polished concerete and sees that its cribmate is the Night Hawk, no way around it, some packages are going to get ruefully, slowly crushed in a mechanical hand. It probably didn't even notice.

Anonymous said...

True, you did not send the NetFlix DVD in question, but do you honestly feel that you have cooperated with the spirit of the Post Office so as to set the good example necessary that would trickle down to the likes of NetFlix.

No. I didn't think so.

Remember. If you're not a part of the solution, you're part of the problem.