Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I Am Trashcan: Wack-O-Wax Wax Fangs

So here's a funny nickname I have: Trash Can. I got this nickname because I like to make my friends laugh and have a good time, so I buy the weirdest food I can find at truck stops, and eat it. And in return for the all the fun I give them, they call me Trash Can. Unbelievable.

Anyway, for my birthday, the boys in Elephant Larry got me a trash can filled with ridiculous candy, and I thought it would be nice to share my disgusting odyssey with all of you. So each day, I'll eat and review a new piece of candy.

Wack-O-Wax Wax Fangs: I'm not going to lie to you guys... I've been avoiding some of the truly disgusting candy in the trashcan.

After the first several candies made me sick to my stomach for the rest of the day, I've been trying to stick to items that wouldn't necessarily want to make me curl up into a ball and cry at the sheer horror of a world that could create these sweets, and sell them to poor, defenseless children.

Or, you know, comedy groups.

But I know what you want: You want to watch me throw up. Isn't that right, you sick sunufabitchs?

Well, get ready for a puke-o-rama as I prepare to eat the most non-sensical type of candy ever produced: Candy Wax Lips.

Wax Lips are, without a doubt, a candy that I've never, ever understood. Every other Halloween, I would get some sort of wax candy in my treat bag, and there were two things I didn't get:

1) Who actually eats these?

2) Given point one, who actually buys these for people?

Several points, as a corollary:

A) Who eats wax? I don't eat wax, do you eat wax?

B) Who eats teeth? I don't eat teeth, do you eat teeth?

Actually, Futurama made this point way better than I can, so here you go:

In all the years I've gotten wax lips for Halloween, I've never actually eaten them, as, well... I don't know how to. I mean, how do you swallow a big ball of wax? Beyond the above, I've always been kind of embarassed to try, because what if I chomp down on these delightful teeth, and you're not supposed to actually eat them. WHAT THEN???

However, that all changes today, as I'm eating an entire mouthful of mouth!

One final wrinkle that makes me cringe: these are cherry flavored. I hate cherry flavored candy.

So, this should be fun, right?

First off, let's open the package, and find out what's inside:

- These do NOT smell like cherry. They smell like candles. Or made bathroom cleanser.

- Also inside is, what I assume given the number 4, a trading card. Because what people who eat wax lips like to do is trade them with other people who also eat lots of wax lips. This situation is both highly improbable, and also, strangely hopeful on the part of the manufacturers.

Okay, here's where this starts to get insane. I'm posting a picture here, but just in case you can't read it, this is a cartoon of "Ol' Bob Blabber," who is a regular looking guy wearing wax vampire teeth. According to the card:

He's Old & Tired
& Wants To Retire Down South
But He's Not Going Anywhere
Without Wax Fangs In His Mouth!

Because he's insane? He's insane, and committed to an insane asylum? And they won't let him out until he agrees to take some disgusting, crazy, wax vampire fangs out of his mouth?


So now we encounter a problem... I actually have to eat these at some point. Since there doesn't seem to be any explantation on the label*, I'll turn to the internet.

First off, take a look at the totally sad Dubble Bubble website. Dubble Bubble owns Wack-O-Wax, which makes the Wax Fangs; Dubble Bubble, in turn, is owned by Tootsie Roll Industries. Neither site has ANY listing for wax lips, almost as if they're trying to deny their very existence. Interesting.

So naturally, we need to turn to Wikipedia, which teaches me two things:

1) Putting fake lips in front of your lips is hilarious.

2) Though they're intended as some sort of chewing gum, they aren't actually eaten.

Well, that ALL CHANGES NOW!!!

- These taste gross.

- Correction: They have no taste.

- They are hard and old.

- Once you start chewing, they do have the consistency of gum. Or, you know, a candle.

- They really have almost no taste. They're like the most tasteless chewing gum ever.

- Additionally, they are as large as your mouth, and hard to chew. Imagine chewing a tasteless piece of gum the size of your mouth. Now, imagine it was also shaped like a mouth.

- This is really starting to make me gag... Not because of the taste, as there is almost none other than a light, bitter, waxiness, but because they're not getting any smaller, and because the big ball in my mouth is made of wax, it is occasionally sticking to my throat. I may die from eating a mouth. Please tell my family I loved them.

Okay, enough of that. These clearly, despite being labeled as candy, are not meant to actually be eaten. They're disgusting, unnecessary, not nearly as hilarious as Wikipedia thinks they are, and most of all, dangerous. Zero trashcans. Yeah, that's right. Zero.

Hey look, Wax Brains!

*You know, like there is on candy bars: "Stick bar in mouth and chew."


Jeff said...

Apparently, I always have to comment on these posts about the amazing websites that Alex has been discovering through this series.

Alex, I don't know if you had the volume up on your computer while visiting the Dubble Bubble site, but holy holy cow.

Everybody go to the Dubble Bubble site and listen and listen good. And click around and listen.

Jeff said...

Apologies; the first paragraph of my last comment makes little grammatical sense.

N K said...

Favourite out-of-context line from the Dubble Bubble website:

"Be careful, you only have 3 balls."

What? That's not right.