NYU Students Protest Nothing/Everything

Okay, so I'm a little out of it, and we're three days in, but this story is hilarious. For those of you who have link-a-phobia, a growing group of NYU students have barricaded themselves in the cafeteria of the Kimmel Student Center for the past three days, essentially to lobby for financial disclosure from the University.

Except... That's not it. They're also lobbying for Palestinian liberation. And also some other stuff. And some of them are unsure what the protest is. So basically, they're protesting everything, and nothing at the same time. Which is, take it from someone who worked at NYU for four years, the most NYU thing that has ever happened.

Now, I don't know exactly what's going on in there, but I have to imagine it goes... A little something... Like... This:

[Protestors are milling around in the Kimmel Center cafeteria, holding signs protesting everything from student housing, to abortion rights.]

LEAD PROTESTOR: What do we want?

PROTESTORS: SOMETHING!

LEAD PROTESTOR: When do we want it?

PROTESTOR: WHENEVER!

NEW PROTESTOR: (Out of breath) Hey, the police barricade outside is growing, but I managed to get through.

LEAD: Well, welcome to join the fight, brother. What are you here for?

NEW: Aren't we protesting for financial disclosure?

LEAD: Well, Bob is.

BOB: I'm really into that junk.

NEW: Wait, but no one else is?

LEAD: I don't know... Anyone else here protesting for financial disclosure?

JANICE: I'm protesting AGAINST financial disclosure.

BOB: What? We should know where our money is going.

JANICE: ...And I think we shouldn't know where our money is going!

[JANICE and BOB start to yell at each other.]

LEAD: Okay, calm down. Yelling never solved anything.

NEW: Are you serious? All you guys are doing is yelling.

NICK: Hey, you leave him alone, or I'll protest YOU.

NEW: Go ahead. This is so typical... You finally get some press for an important issue, and you guys blow it by having no clear focus. I mean, what's this guy protesting, he's like fifty.

NOAH: (He's kind of dirty, with a scratchy white beard) I 'm not protestin' nuthin'. I live here in the cafeteria.

NEW: Well, at least that makes sense.

LEAD: Listen, guy. You get out of here, or I'm going to protest my fists in your face.

NEW: You're going to object to the idea that your fists should be in my face?

LEAD: I... Uh...

NEW: Forget it. I'm out of here... Maybe I'll go get annoyingly drunk at a bar on Fourth Street, even though I'm underage.

[NEW leaves. Pause.]

LEAD: What do we want?

PROTESTORS: WE DON'T KNOW!

LEAD PROTESTOR: When do we want it?

PROTESTOR: WHAT?

[The End. This has been another episode of Elephant Larry's Topical Theatre.]