Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I'm a 1950's housewife!

I've had previous concerns about this before, but I'm pretty sure that I confirmed today that I am indeed a 1950's housewife.

Here's why: after discovering that I was a victim of identity theft (a decidedly un-1950's thing to do, but I digress), I spoke to the vendor that received my faulty charges, then the bank, and then finally the police. The police dispatcher took some information from me and then told me that she was sending an officer to my house right away. I didn't expect that for some reason; I guess I thought they could take my report over the phone. But I said, "okay" and hung up.

Immediately, it occurred to me that I need to fight back against this whole identity theft thing by going about my normal life, business as usual. I wanted to appear completely calm and collected. So what do I do? Without stoppping to think, I change out of my sleeping clothes and put on respectable pants. Then I put on a fresh pot of coffee. Then, I started cooking oatmeal the old-fashioned way. On the stove. The kind that takes 45 minutes. Because, apparently, whenever the local constable is in the neighborhood, I should be prepared to meet him in my nicest garb, with a pot of fresh coffee and hot porridge.

Why do I do these things? I mean, I like oatmeal, and I wanted to make it anyway, but for the love of Pete, I had just been robbed. This was no time for oatmeal.

To my own amusement, I immediately become embarassed the whole thing when the policeman came over. I tried not to draw attention to the enormous pot of oatmeal steaming on the stove. Howevber, I still felt like it was appropriate to offer him coffee. I just got really nervous about it. I waited until 20 minutes into the report before I finally stammered out, "Would you like some fresh coffee?" Fortunately, the kind officer knew the whole 1950's routine down pat. "No, thanks, I'm fine," he replied politely. But as I sauntered over to the pot to pour myself a cup, he stood up and added, "You know what? That smells great. I will take half a cup, thanks!" And so our old-fashioned coffee ritual was complete. And I felt really really awkward. At least I didn't try to seduce him.

Does anyone else feel like they have to act exactly like they're in some kind of old-fashioned crime movie whenever they're talking to a cop? Also, are there any other guys out there that act like 1950's housewives when they're nervous? Alex, help me out here.


Alex said...

I don't act like a 1950's housewife around cops, but every time I see one on the street, I wonder what would happen if I stole their gun.

I mean, I know what would happen, I guess I just wonder whether I'd have the chance to shoot the gun before they tackled/killed me.

I also fantasize about pushing people in front of the subway, but not as often as my fantasy about murdering cops.


This may not have addressed your question, Jeff, but I'm sure it raised a few new ones.

Alex said...

I probably shouldn't have used the word "fantasy" in that last post.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to hear people's thoughts on what the Citibank commercial based on Jeff's identity theft would look like.

Anonymous said...

When I'm driving and I see a cop car on the street I was about to make a right turn on, I always forsake my original route and go straight ahead... but mostly I try to look innocent.

Geoffrey said...

Whenever I see a cop, I vomit and vomit and vomit.

Anonymous said...

yea that's a good idea. no way to look more guilty than vomiting - even if it isn't guilt induced vomit. so what do you get as a result? you're sitting in a jail cell with vomit all over you. true it helps keep away the nasty guys but still... vomit all over you? better practise looking innocent instead, my boy. yea at first it makes you look even more guilty and you spend some unnecessary time explaining to those sickening cops why you have that stupid look on your face. but after awhile when you finally get it down and they see that look on your face they say, he looks innocent enough. enough is the key word here. innocent "enough".

Anonymous said...

I'm signing in to apologize. I'm the anonymous wise guy who made the half-assed remarks about how I respond to cops when driving. I said I try to look innocent. I'm sorry to have given such short thrift to Jeff's hard-earned insights to his experience with identity theft. All seriousness aside I just want to say that I now see the magnitude of his offerings. Indeed we as a society are doomed if we don't recogize those times when our behavior is shaped by the mind-numbing pervasiveness of mass culture.
What brings me to this "mea culpa"? This morning while driving to work I hit a godawful pothole, and what was my response? "Egad!" That's what I shouted aloud! "Egad!"
What the hell is wrong with me? How deep is the brainwashing that I've been subjected to? How may comic books before the synapse was complete to insure that when I hit such a pothole my response would be, "Egad". And more importantly was it really my choice to have read so many comic books?
Jeff, my sympathies for your own personal trauma and the resulting liturgy involving coffee and oatmeal that you were forced to witness. Please do not feel alone.