Wednesday, March 02, 2005


What up, dorks. Chris writing.

I don't usually have really, really strong opinions. More often than not, I find myself too aware of both sides of an issue to fanatically commit myself to either one or the other. Meaning, I rarely believe I'm so absolutely right about something that I find those who disagree to be either misinformed or stupid.

But of course, there are exceptions.

Two, actually.

The first is church and state. Particularly school prayer and our public schools. Don't get me started, 'cause I'll freak the fuck out for an hour about it.

The second is Transformers: The Movie, and how it's a blasphemous, disgraceful, emotionally negligent and profit-motivated piece of shit.

Sorry, but that's just the way I feel. And if you disagree, you're wrong, dumb, and probably one of my friends, Andrew or Ankur.

That being said, please read this.

I think I may have written it while asleep or something, 'cause it's pretty much every single point I've ever brought up in a Transformer-related conversation, particularly in relation to why the movie sucks sucks sucks so hard. Also, it's funny and amusing.

For relevancy's sake, and so you can know (and more easily reject) where I'm coming from here: Autobot leader Optimus Prime represented to me, as an innocent and impressionable child of 6 or 7 or however old, to be the incarnation of all that was Good and True in the universe. He led his fellow Autobots with Grace, Kindness, and a Nobility that you could depend on, so much so that I had to capitalize all those adjectives. I honestly didn't have a choice. So when those Hasbro-fucks chose to kill him off so quickly and nonchalantly in that stupid, stupid movie... it still makes me physically angry.

And some things can never be forgiven.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Prime had it give it up... It was his time to go...

Hot Rod 4eva!

-Someone dumb and wrong

Anonymous said...

Hot Rod RuLeZ!!

-Someone "dumb and wrong"

Eat it, Principe!

j said...

Sorry, no. I mean, maybe.

Let me start by saying I was way too young to realize that the reason all my favorite Transformers were dying was that Hasbro wanted me to buy new toys. I was also slightly older when I saw the movie, around 8 or so, so I think I was better equipped to handle the insane amount of death and carnage. In fact, I remember thinking that it was completely AWESOME. It was like the first 30 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, except a dozen years earlier - that feeling of "Oh SNAP, this shit's for real - this is war!" I actually found myself pissed when watching other Transformers and GI Joe episodes where people were not being killed.

I began questioning the author of that article when he got an important Megatron quote wrong. Right before Megatron blasts Ironhide, he doesn't say "Such foolish heroism," he says "Such heroic nonsense." C'mon guy. He also doesn't properly acknowledge that Starscream's death RULES, and is preceded by this exchange:

Starscream: Megatron? Is that you?
Galvatron: Heres a hint.
(Galvatron transforms into a huge futurey cannon thing and BLAST!!!)

Also, it is presently the year of the movie - 2005, a year so far in the future that it was almost incomprehensible in 1986. It's one of my most anticipated future times, second only to August 29, 1997. I can't wait for 2015, when we have flying Ford Probes and hoverboards (I've got a friend who knows someone in Japan who knows this guy who says that they are real!).

Still not convinced? A Weird Al song was in the movie.

No? How about the voices? Eric Idle. Casey Kasem. John Moschitta. Judd Nelson. Leonard Nimoy. Robert Stack. Pros like Frank Welker, Jack Angel, and Chris Latta. Oh, and Orson Welles.

The song that Dirk and Reed sing in the studio in Boogie Nights? "The Touch" - only one of the awesome songs on the awesome soundtrack that I'm going to listen to right now.

I will admit, I cared a lot less about Transformers after the movie than I did before. I will also admit that I saw the movie around 50 times in the late 80s.

Ba weep gran-na weep ninny bong!

Anonymous said...

if god weren't such a seemingly profound underachiever would the idea of state sanctioned prayer drive you less crazy?

Chris said...

Ok well I'll 1/2 agree with this article, but as for the movie, it rocked so much ass it was unbelievable!

You had Transformers FINALLY blowing the living crap out of each other! Finally all my G.I. Joe/Transformers frustration of them having to come to blows to do damage was OVER! Everything we had come to love in Transformers got completely turned on its head in a very innovative and well told manner. Whoever wrote the article misquoted almost every line in there, and the fact that there was so much emotion just in the first 30 minutes of the movie. That's how transitions work, especially in anime (lets not forget the roots of Transformers here). You have to lose something to gain something, and we have a changing of the guard in the Transformers universe that totally blows away ANYTHING I've ever seen in any other animated show. Only the second most moving loss of character ever was printed in Batman: Death in the Family, where Joker beats Robin (Jason Todd) to death.

But back to Transformers, we lost great characters, and the greatest hero ever (Optimus Prime, of course). But it's not in so much as how we deal with it, but how the story evolves the new characters and how THEY deal with it. Remember, this is fiction, and it only moves us when we place ourselves in the story. And only a well told story can move people, as when we're having a debate about the "death" of giant, transforming robots.

So either way, Transformers: The Movie was a remarkable piece of work, because it moves all of us in different ways and remains with us where almost 20 years later, it's a hot, blog discussion. If Hasbro had just tried to transition us to new toys with an mediocre, marketing screen fair, we wouldn't be talking about it at all.

Oh yeah, let's not forget Weird Al in the soundtrack. Plus rock ballads. Awesome!!

Answer to J - The universal greeting, but you're also supposed to offer an energon treat according to Kup.

Anonymous said...

God is dead. It follows then there should be no prayer in public schools. (No problemo)

Optimus Prime is dead. Hey wait a second! That's a problem! That was one of the ways in this god-forsaken post-modernist society to sneak in some praying (search for good)in public.

christopher said...

From a friend:

i'd just like to point out some of the competitive advantages the decepticons enjoy:

1) flight
2) spy robots
3) knowledge of the location of the Autobots' base camp
4) clever weapons designed with stopping robots in mind
5) unencumbered by the sense of duty which often impels the autobots to save humans rather than kill decepticons

i've been watching the first season on DVD, and, if it weren't for Optimus Prime and Starscream, the Decepticons would win easily

i've also noticed that at the end of every episode, when the Decepticons are thwarted, someone says, "I don't think we'll be seeing the decpticons for awhile!" and then someone else says, "I wouldn't be so sure. I wouldn't be so sure."

And can some one please explain to me what "Ba weep gran-na weep ninny bong" means?