Friday, October 14, 2005

Office Birthday Party

Here's an amazing sketch I wrote on the way to work today:

Four girls are sitting around chatting next to a pile of presents.

Nancy: …and this one took forever to find. Happy Birthday, sweetie!

(They all clap.)

Claudia: Oh, you shouldn’t have. (Opens it) It’s… a baby snuggly. But I don’t have a baby.

Nancy: (Darkly) Not yet.

(Knock at door.)

I’ll get it!

(She opens the door, a very serious looking police officer is standing there.)

Officer Rogers: Ladies.

Stacey: Officer Rogers. How can we help you?

Officer Rogers: Well, I’m with the NYPD’s anti-terrorism unit.

Claudia: Oh dear.

Officer Rogers: Well, there’s no need to panic, but we’ve received a specific and credible threat… That it was your birthday!

(Girls all scream in joy. He pulls out boom box, plays, “I Believe in Miracles,” starts sexy dancing. They all start getting up to dance with him, too. He turns off the boom box.)

Officer Rogers: No, but seriously there’s been a bomb threat against the building, I need you all to evacuate.

(They all shuffle out.)
I mean, I guess I could have written more of this, but stripper sketches are a little played out. Sometimes you have to write the things in your head, even when you know they should never be on stage.


Geoffrey said...

I don't believe I've seen any stripper sketches since "Big Red Stripping & Whorage," which for the non-Cornellian blogreaders out there is a play off the "Big Red Shipping & Storage" service in Ithaca.

The highlight was Stefan onstage only in leopard-print speedos by the end.

Anyway, I mention it cuz that was over 6 years ago. I kinda like it, Alex!

Chris S. said...

Poor unnamed fourth girl. She has no lines. Nancy, Claudia and Stacey always hog EVerything.

Alex said...

The fourth girl's name is "Kormothrolp the Haxxor."

Her backstory is FASCINATING.

christopher said...

Well, obviously.

Name one Haxxor who doesn't have an amazing backstory.

Biz and/or Jordi said...

I like it!

TRUE STORY! When I worked at a hair salon, a fire safety inspector came to check the wires one day. It just so happened that it was one of the hairdressers' birthday (she would be the "wild" one in the hair salon sitcom; the one who makes sassy comments...The Jackee). also happened that the fire safety inspector looked like a chisled-cheesy Dudley Do Right / Bruce Campbell guy. Guess who thought he was a birthday stripper for the sassy hairdresser? ME! guess who said "Sure you are!" like a haggered horny 50 year old divorcee to the fire safety inspector when he said "I'm here to check the wires"? ME AGAIN!

Who STILL didn't believe he was a real fire safety inspector after two minutes of him saying "I'm a real fire safety inspector"? YOU GUESSED IT!

After the hilarious misunderstanding
I went to get my boss who was busy, came back, offered the fire safety inspector a cup of tea and we awkwardly listeded to Joni Mitchell on the radio in silence as we waited for her to meet him for her fire safety inspection appointment.

That day and the day a bearded lady came in for a make-up lesson are the days I remember most.


Anonymous said...

What did Nancy mean when she said, not yet? I'm concerned.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who feels pride getting the word verification right? I hope not.