Friday, March 10, 2006

Rot In Hell, Edmund Germer

Okay. So I’ve thought long and hard about the consequences and I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’d have absolutely no problem traveling back in time, finding the guy who invented fluorescent lights, cutting open his head, punching him five-hundred times directly in the brain, specifically in whatever nerve center it is where ideas for stupid terrible inventions originate, and then finish it all off by slitting his f’ing throat. And by “f’ing,” I mean “fucking.”

I’ve always always always hated fluorescent lights. In fact, it’s one of the few things I actually feel really strongly about. They're just terrible. I've heard it might be because they cause some tiny flickering of the eye that you can't consciously notice but after eight hours of exposure will leave you totally exhausted. But even if that's not true, it still astounds me that these literal nimrods are in every single office on this planet.

But then today I realized: this isn't gonna last. You see, fluorescent lights are very much like leeches. It’s something that’s totally accepted by the general population, but then a hundred years pass and future generations look back and say, “Hm. Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to drain your blood with parasitic organisms whenever you were feeling sniffly.” But in our case, the parasites are the fluorescent lights, and all that blood being let is actually the CAPACITY FOR JOY, HEALTH, GRACE, OPTIMISM, AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT COULD POSSIBLY EXUDE ANY SORT OF GOODNESS IN THIS HORRIBLE WORLD.

I think I feel better now.

Hey. TGIF, am I right?!

No I?


Anonymous said...

yes you are right. somebody has to be.