Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Science Sucks, or My New Stand-Up Comedy Bit

I don't think I'm going to trust any scientific health studies... They always imply that they are applicable to every lifestyle, but in actuality, they're so specific: "Women over the age of 82 were found to live longer after running around five times a day in a hermetically sealed tank." That sort of thing.

How am I supposed to know that it works for me?

The only scientific study I'll trust is one that says, "Studies have shown that Alex Zalben's who cut down on fat and carbs lived to the age of 104."


"In recent studies, we've found that a glass of red wine a day can be harmful to medium sized Jewish men from Long Island who currently live in Manhattan and work at comedy theaters. That are called The PIT. And their names are Alex Zalben."

Am I right, people? Who's with me? I know. I KNOW!!!

[Ed Note: I am not working on any stand-up comedy bits.]


christopher said...


Alex said...

Wow. Now I'm really uncomfortable. Just fyi, I haven't read McSweeneys in a couple of weeks, so I didn't mean to post something similar to them ON THE SAME EXACT DAY.