World's Funniest Judge

'The simple notation "[laughter]" does not, moreover, distinguish between "a series of small chuckles" and "a joke that brought the house down." Nor, Professor Wexler said, does it separate "the genuine laughter brought about by truly funny or clever humor and the anxious kind of laughter that arises when one feels nervous or uncomfortable or just plain scared for the nation's future."'

Yeah, what he said:

So, Guy Walks Up to the Bar, and Scalia Says...

Try Harder, Spam

I just got a message from a guy named "Jeff Sithole," which at no point made me think it was a real e-mail. Here's some other similar names, if spam marketers really think its a good idea to create non-credible spam mail:

1. Andy Standsewer
2. Josh Bagface
3. Nick Trashplug
4. Kevin Coffeedrink
5. Chair Desktable
6. Phone Buttonpickle
7. Menorah Hanukahcandle
8. Book Bookbook
9. Viagrafiend 74
10. ?@!.,

and your number 11 non-credible spam mail name?

11. Chris Principe

HA-CHA!

CHRISTMAS IS OVER

I have very relaxed opinions when it comes to pre-Christmas Christmas things. I know a lot of people who get bugged by the fact that all the Christmas songs and decorations and stuff go into full effect right after Thanksgiving. This doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I don't even mind some PRE-Thanksgiving Christmas stuff. To me, November and December are the holiday season... it's just how it works. October is a little ridiculous, but any time after that is fine by me.

This laissez-faire attitude is balanced by my feelings post-Christmas. Once it's over IT IS OVER. Done. Finished. Let's start getting ready for New Year's. If that tree/wreath/inflatable snowman is still up Dec. 26th, I guess that's OK. You need time to take it all down. But once December 27th rolls around, you'd best be having some big plastic Baby New Yearses on your lawns and paper pictures of champagne bottles on your walls. Cuz Christmas ain't for another 363 days, baby. 364 on years preceding leap years.

You can imagine my chagrin when the restaurant I went to with my family last night started playing some kind of Christmas rap.

Needless to say, I shot up the place.

Mona Lisa Smile

Two weeks late on this one, but hopefully most of you hadn't heard until just now either. I'm gonna go ahead and believe it completely. It's more fun that way.

All right, I'm going to bed.

Complete Sublime Beauty

This is somehow strangely beautiful. I googled this with the hopes that somebody had done it...and they had.

Crippling Crush

I recently borrowed "Sports Night" from my good friend Mr. Alexander Zalben and have been making my way through two seasons worth of impossibly fast dialogue. Stupendous show.

Unfortunately, I am now completely in love with Ms. Sabrina Lloyd, who plays the perky Natalie on Sports Night. I won't get into how beautiful and brilliant and funny and amazing she is, because that would just be embarassing, to you, to me, to the blogosphere.

I swear, there are just some people who are so magnetic that you can't help but reach longingly toward the screen for the entire half-hour episode. And not in a lusty kind of way. In a committed long-term relationship kind of way. And that it is infinitely creepier.

Notable Celebrity Crushes In My Life:

-Jewel. My first celebrity love. I fought off many rude comments about her teeth back in the day. Suffice it to say, I bought her book of poetry.

-Drew Barrymore circa The Wedding Singer. I think it was probably seeing this movie with my recently exed-girlfriend who I still had a thing for. Nonetheless, Drew was a delightful pixie in this one. Hasn't really gotten me since.

-Scarlett Johansson and Kate Winslet. I'm a guy in my mid-twenties who saw "Lost in Translation" and "Eternal Sunshine." Of course I like Scarlett Johansson and Kate Winslet.

And now Sabrina.

Apparently she is in the first episode of the new season of "24", and even though I have not watched Seasons 2-4, you KNOW where I'm gonna be on January 15th, 2006...well, you don't know where I'm gonna be, but you know I'm gonna be watching FOX.

Rainy Thursday Questions

Jumping the Gun means doing something before the appropriate time.

And when something Jumps the Shark, that means it's noticeably passed its peak.

So, when something passes its peak prematurely, does that mean it’s Jumped the GunShark?


Is there a word for a question that’s half-rhetorical?


Is there a word to describe simultaneous disappointment and relief?

i.e., what I feel when realizing GunSharks don’t exist?

SNL Trivial Pursuit...

...was honestly a bit anticlimactic for a variety of reasons.

1) The game is nightmarishly difficult. Even the craziest of SNL fans (which I don't think any of us were) would not have known some of those answers. Let's put it this way: there were an inordinate number of questions about Danitra Vance and Charles Rocket...who are both dead I find! Great, now I feel bad!

2) The pizza we ordered wasn't that great. Anyone notice that? I actually didn't mention it last night, but I thought the pizza wasn't very good. And this pizza was from JOE'S, man. They're usually the best.

3) It was followed up by a screening of R. Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet Chapters 1-12." Anything would have paled by comparison, let alone SNL Trivial Pursuit.

The TITC saga has been discussed in passing on this blog before, but I don't think it's been made clear how bad everyone needs to see this. I'm not usually given to watching things solely for the sake of making fun of them, but wow. Do yourself a favor and check it out, at least once.

Theme From Mad TV

Lyrics courtesy of Blackcatter's World of TV Theme Song Lyrics:

C'mon, C'mon and mad
Crazy crazy
You drive me wild
Ohh oh ohh oh
C'mon, C'mon and mad
Crazy crazy
You drive me wild
Ohh oh ohh oh
Mad

Principe's Top Ten Albums of 2005

10. Nickelback: All the Right Reasons



Nickelback? More like NickelNeverFreakinLeftAndStillRockinYourBrainsOut.

Long live the kings.


9. Christmas with the Kranks: Music From The Motion Picture



Technically late 2004. Always a classic.


8. The Cheetah Girls: Cheetah-licious Christmas



I know, I know. Two Christmas albums on one Top Ten list? Normally I’d hesitate, but come on, we’re talking Cheetah Girls here. Anyone who’s seen the movie knows what I’m talking about.


7. Jeffrey Thompson: Delta Sleep System



This mind-numbingly sweet debut from Dr. Jeffrey takes what the Sigur Rós boys have been toying around with for years and just brings it to the next f’in level.

Rejuvenating.


6. Mega Remix Party [BOX SET]



Okay. Party was great.

And Remix Party? Totally different from Party, yet somehow even better.

But Mega Remix Party? It’s like…and I’m not exaggerating here…ONE MILLION TIMES better than both Remix Party and Party combined.

Rejuvenating.


5. Rod Stewart: Thanks For The Memory...The Great American Songbook IV



No. Thank you, Mr. Stewart.

To be honest, I was a little skeptical about this album at first. Just look at the packaging: no sexy lady legs or oops-I’m-sexy, undone ties. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s to never judge a book by its cover. Especially when that book is the Rod Stewart Great American Songbook…CD.


5 ½. John C. Maxwell: The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader: Becoming the Person Others Will Want to Follow (Audio Book)



I put Qualities of a Leader at 5 ½ because, after Rod Stewart, it just seemed a bit redundant.

Track 12, Take This Life and Love It, is the f’in shit.


4. Sufjan Stevens: Illinois



Sure. Fine. Whatever.


3. Spider-Man: Rock Reflections of a Superhero



At long last, the 1975 classic LP is back and re-mastered, boasting timeless tracks like Count On Me, Peter Stays And Spider-Man Goes, Doctor Octopus Part Two, and No One's Got A Crush On Peter.


2. The Disney Princess Tea Party Album



AWESOME!! After last year’s Princess Collection, I was all “Aw shit, there’s no way the Mouse can top this one.” But I have a confession to make: I was wrong. As usual, Disney DisNOT Disappoint! hahahahahah.


And finally, the number one album of 2005 is…



1. That's So Raven: Songs from and inspired by the hit TV series



This album is really special to me. Just knowing that Raven’s show has inspired other people to create beautiful music of their own…it just really fills me up for some reason.

Love’s contagious, folks. And don’t you forget it.

Jeff Reardon

Lordy, Lordy. It is a bad year to be a relief pitcher.

Unless you're B.J. Ryan, of course.

Or Kyle Farnsworth.

Or Bradon Looper.

I'd actually take my chances being a relief pitcher.

Why Couldn't It Have Been Me?

I kid because I love: a piece of my childhood died yesterday.

You know I'm gonna have a doughnut today in his honor. A big, delicious Krispy Kreme doughnut.

I was gonna make a joke about Max Headroom dying but then I realized that could actually happen.

Nip/Tuck/Nosleep

Word to the wise: Do not watch Nip/Tuck right before you go to sleep.

Although I've only seen half episodes here and there, and only moderately enjoyed them, I happened to watch the entire 2 hour season finale last night. Things witnessed during these two hours:

- Multiple instances of rape.
- Live burial.
- Removal of fingers, limbs, etc.
- Torture. Lots of torture.
- Many murders.
- Graphic surgery, at least once every 15 minutes or so.
- Incest.
- An eel being birthed from a woman's vagina.

Oh, and everybody got away with everything, and was totally happy at the end; even though something was so wrong with one of the character's babies that a doctor started crying and trembling when she had to tell her. But we'll find out what's wrong with the baby NEXT season. When they rape and disfigure it. For eight hours. Or something.

Whatever, I don't write the show; it just gives me nightmares.

Related: The hilarious MySpace profile for "The Carver," the serial disfigurer who went around Miami removing people's plastic surgery, and then got away with it and lived happily ever after.

BLUG

No, no, no, blog. I'm not barfing. I'm plugging on the blog! Not only that, I'm plugging a blog on the blog!

This one is www.kukoda.com, the blog/website of Elephriend Jack Kukoda, he of Pigloo fame. It is funny and you should read it, so there.

And if you're feeling four keys lazier than usual, kukoda.com works juuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.


PS I'm wondering if plog is a synonym for blug. Can I get a ruling on that?

PPS I accidentally erased this post and tried to re-do it from memory. There should be a shorthand to indicate that that is the case and the quality of the post has probably suffered as a result. Maybe some sort of angry emoticon?

Francophone

By special request, a video of Francophone from the 2004 Best of the Best SketchFest:

Click here to Check it Out

...and need I remind you its also on iTunes? Because it is, along with a few more I added over the weekend.

By the way, on the iTunes thing, if you have a few moments, go and review our podcast, and subscribe to it. It'll help us (hopefully) get on the iTunes 100, which would, you know, be nice. For us.

Thank you.

Limerick Of The Year

A tooter who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tooter,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"

By no means was this limerick written this year. It's just a really good limerick, and should win every year.

Spineless Bastards

Encountered the following mattress advertisement in a window display last week:



Now, perhaps market research has proven the whole “keep your back straight while you sleep” angle as an effective way to sell a mattress. But sweet lord, there’s a fine line between thoughtful advertising and NIGHTMARE INDUCING HORROR.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?



Seriously. This is where nightmares come from. Not horror films or scary stories. It’s from stupid little mundane images like this that your brain is forced to digest and file away as “acceptable” and “not nightmare inducing” when they really really are.

Also, I'm not sure why, but looking at this lady's naked butt is somehow akin to staring directly into The Void.

Worst Days Of The Year

September 16th: Day after my birthday.

December 26th: Day after Christmas.

I DEMAND MORE MERRIMENT.

January 1st generally sucks too. So we have that one to look forward to!

Spam Spam Spam

So occasionally I open up spam-mail just because the contents are sometimes awesome even if "OEM Software Management" as a subject line wouldn't seem to suggest such a thing. And my new favorite thing is the content they put at the bottom of the e-mails to make it seem like there's real substance to the e-mail. From todays spam-mail:

The basis for optimism is sheer terror.
Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.

Very profound. I will now buy your Quicken software.

A Christmastime Confession

Well, it happened again. I woke up early on Christmas.

For as long as I can remember, I have either not been able to get to sleep, not been able to sleep very late on Christmas morning or both. The reason? Genuine excitement over opening my Christmas gifts.

My siblings have no problem with sleeping on Christmas. Hence my problem. I wake up ludicrously early and have to wait hours before my pseudo-somnambulant siblings trudge up/downstairs so we can celebrate Christmas morning likte the dorky family we are.

Needless to say, it happened again this year. And that is where I am at now. A 25-year old man who woke up at 7:30am on Christmas morning and decided to burn some time by blogging about it.

I'm going to go let some blood or something.

Merry Christmas!

And Happy Hannukah!

This Took Me Five Hours to Make

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Nothing to report, really. I'm in California right now, getting ready for some Christmas Eve dinner -- it's 70 degrees, sunny and I've already been to the mall twice. It totally feels like I'm home.

I'm pretty excited that my mall now features a Thomas Kinkade (The Painter of Light™) gallery. Thank goodness I no longer have to buy all my paintings via mail-order.

Blue Shirts vs. Skins

OK, in all fairness, the Giants aren't called the Blue Shirts. That's the Rangers.

I don't have a great feeling about this one. The Redskins are coming in with momentum, having won three in a row culminating with a domination of the Cowboys last week. Also, the Giants suck on the road.

Instead of predicting a Redskin win, I'm gonna predict what I think will happen if the Giants win: Eli has a solid game and adds enough to a good Tiki running game to eke the win. Mark Brunell dies of natural causes at the ripe old age of 35.

20-17 Giants.

Transformer Strike

Placards at the walkout of Transformers Local Alpha Trion:

"Autobots, not Automatons!"

"So Mad We Could Starscream!"

"Better dental!"

"No transformation without representation!"

What? It's over? Sorry.

Elephant Larry: For Your iPod, This Time

Blog. This is huge. Elephant Larry is now a podcast on the iTunes store.

We're going to be serving up all the content you know and love from ElephantLarry.com, with the huge difference that all of it is maximized for your iPod*. That means super-clear videos super-quickly downloaded, each and every week. Oh, and some songs thrown in.

All you have to do is click the picture above, and then click "subscribe." You'll have fresh new content downloaded to your computer any time you open iTunes.

By the way, if you don't have iTunes, you should. If you don't have an iPod, no worries, this will still work for you. As long as you have iTunes. If you don't have either, we'll still be putting content on the website, just who knows what you'll be missing out on? The lucky dudes who subscribe to our podcast, that's who knows.

Please let me know if you have any questions, or encounter any problems with this AMAZING NEW TECHNOLOGY.


*I think it should be clear (but just in case not) that the movies are maximized for your iPod video, if you have one. If you don't, you can still subscribe... You'll get the videos in your iTunes, and the songs in your iTunes AND on your iPod.

The Squid And The Whale

Very good.

By the way, everyone. Eighty minute movies? Make more of 'em. They're like delicious popcorn.

Thursday Linkage

First, some linkage updates:

- King Kong has been posted on College Humor! Thanks dudes... Everybody, go and watch it as much as you can.

- Mara Has a Blog! had some nice words to say about Rat Party. Anything we can do to help, Mara.

- Michelle Collins' You Can't Make it Up has also linked to Rat Party. Thanks Michelle!

- And lest we forget The Apiary, which originally linked it.

- And in case you missed it, King Kong was also on Screenhead.

Now, just to show you we're not TOTALLY self-centered, here's some really good videos other people made:

- Here's a few from The Lonely Island, who are awesome: Lazy Sunday; Lettuce Help; and Bing Bong Brothers (probably NSFW)

- One from Slovin & Allen: Family Film (TOTALLY NSFW)

- And finally from Blue Ribbon Panel: Sexual Harrasment Video (Also possibly NSFW)

Happy Thursday, everyone!

Strike Update

Number of Sts walked (up/downtown): 177 (109 yesterday)

Number of Aves walked (crosstown): 21

Amount of money spent on cabs: $20

Injuries: My right foot hurts a LOT. Switched to sneakers today. If work has a problem with that, they can go...do something...bad to themselves.

Minimum number of streets today I will have walked: 84

Movies watched: Chronicles of Narnia, It's A Wonderful Life.

That last one doesn't have much to do with the strike.

TSL

Check it out, home-slice! Its a brand new epsiode of your favorite TV show, TSL.

Too many videos? No. There is no such thing.

Editors Note: This video may be invalid in just a few hours, so please watch it now.

Strike?

I think it would be very funny to witness someone come upon a closed subway station and shout out in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, "Transit strike?! What transit strike!!"

I would find this funny because that would mean not only did they go almost two entire days without noticing the transit strike, but went almost an entire month without hearing the rumblings about a potential transit strike.

As a result of my finding this funny, I have shouted "Transit strike?! What transit strike!!" in the middle of a crowded sidewalk several times in the past two days.

NSFW!

• Tanks
• Cluster Bombs
• Swords
• Acid
• Assault Rifles
• Bears
• Flamethrowers
• Asbestos
• Short-Range Ballistic Missiles
• Proximity Mines
• Pornography Websites
• Cobras
• 13th Century Mongolian Warriors
• Fluorescent Lights
• Quicksand
• Viral Meningitis

Merry Christamoo

- Ninja Christmas Intro

- Ninja Funny 1
- Ninja Funny 2
- Ninja Funny 3

Caveman Jesus

Well, the Yankees signed Johnny Damon to a 4-year, $52 million contract last night.

Why this is good:
-He's only 32, meaning his next coupla years will probably be good.
-He used to play for the Boston Red Sox. That means that at the same time as the Yankees getting Johnny Damon, the Red Sox lose Johnny Damon. That's like signing two Johnny Damons!

Why this isn't isn't good:
-He's already 32, meaning the last two years of his deal will come when he is 34 and 35, which doesn't sound that old but is a bit old in baseball terms, particularly in speedy baseball player terms.
-He used to play for the Boston Red Sox. The 2004 Boston Red Sox. I've never hated a team more than I've hated the 2004 Boston Red Sox. Now I'm supposed to root for the guy who hit two HR's in the clinching Game 7 against the Yankees for the 2004 Boston Red Sox? Whatever.

I am mixed about this deal.

The Chronicles Of Narnia

This movie was almost saved from total Fneh-dom by its sheer ludicrousness at certain points. But not quite. Fneh.

Also, let me just say, trying not to give away too much, that I refuse to believe that polar bears would associate with pure evil in any way, much less by pulling its armored chariot.

Strike Babies

I have a suggestion for all you stranded, stressed-out, cabin fevered citizens of New York: have sex. What better way to take your minds off a stressful event than sex? Sex is fun!

Then, if the strike's not over in nine months, we'll have a whole ton of cuddly babies* to burp and change their diapers and take care of! Everyone loves babies!

We win both ways! It's like a double-edged lollipop!


*This is a myth.

By The Way

"Zangief wrestles polar bears in Siberia, on which he practiced his trademark Spinning Piledriver after being picked up by a cyclone while performing a piledriver on a bear."

No, I'm probably not getting over this any time soon.

Britney Spears Sues Us Weekly

Turns out, they mean the magazine, and not "every single week." My mistake.

Via IMDB.

King Kong - Exclusive New Scene!

Holy crap, blog. I know this has nothing to do with a transit strike, but I'm kind of in shock now. Elephant Larry has been allowed to post up an exclusive scene from King Kong!

Check it Out Here!

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone called this the jaw-dropping, eye-popping, heart-stopping scene we've been waiting for all year.

Related: Official Movie Site

Update! Posted up on here, so go vote for it or something (5 stars would be nice). Also, this was posted a while ago, so go rate that, too.

Update! Screenhead continues to be awesome.

Transit Strike Party

Well, there's a transit strike in the city, and you know what that means:

RAT PARTY!!!

That's right... With no trains running, every rat in the subway system has a chance to run around free without fear of getting squashed by an oncoming train.

Since I don't have to worry about transit (I can walk to work), I had more than enough time to sneak into the subway system and talk to DJ Rat, who's organizing the party. Here's an EL Blog-clusive, people:

The Official 2005 Transit Strike Rat Party Playlist

1. Get the Rat Party Started
2. Rock the Rat Party
3. Rats Dancing in the Streets <--- This one doesn't make much sense.
4. Where the Rat Party At
5. Rat Party Hard
6. All I Want for Christmas is You <--- Rats love Christmas music.

So there you have it. I fully encourage you to go and download these songs, so you can celebrate your transit strike right along-side the rats.

Monica Hill Update 9:21 AM

Well, that was anticlimactic. She just called and said that she basically sailed across the Manhattan Bridgge because her car had four people in it, whereas most of the other cars did not and were turned away. So once she cleared the backed-up Flatbush Avenue, she didn't have any problems and just got dropped off a few blocks from her work. Apparently the city looks like "a Sunday" since there were basically no cars on the streets.

Biz and I are both a little disappointed that there wasn't more drama. Okay, back to my work! I need to make an illustration of a car bungee jumping off a crane.

Monica Hill Update 8:52 AM

Quick text message from Monica:

4 mins out i got offered a ride, stuck in traffic w 3 nice strangers

So there you have it! Monica, stuck in traffic! I mentioned this to Biz, also stranded here in my apartment and she said she hoped "Monica wouldn't be killed." I think that this will be unlikely, since then the three nice strangers will then be stuck with a dead body in traffic for the next five hours. Who would want that? Probably not some New York commuters!

Don't die, Monica.

New York City Transit Strike Watch!

Uh, and by watch I mean that I'm watching the news here at home, where I'll be working from all day. However, EL friend/techie Monica Hill just left to go to the LIRR here in Brooklyn...so she can take the train to Queens...so she can take the train to Manhattan...so she can walk to her Midtown office. She'll be calling in with regular updates, and I will do my best to get those updates to you, dear blog reader. Stay tuned!

Sports

This about sums it up for me and sports. I just wish I knew why.

Heard about it via Ankur.

Factual Inaccuracies in the Movie Version of Fantastic Four

1. People can't turn into fire or rocks.

2. Super-powers don't exist.

3. Susan Storm wasn't able to create invisibility force fields until Fantastic Four issue #22, January, 1964's seminal "The Return of the Mole Man." This was well after the Four's first battle with Dr. Doom in issue #5, July 1962's "Prisoners of Doctor Doom."

Bonus Fact: Fantastic Four isn't actually totally awful.

Zangief

In our research for a sketch featured in the just-concluded Ninja Christmas, Chris and I made a rather startling discovery. From the Wikipedia page for Street Fighter 2 character Zangief:

-Zangief was born in the Soviet Union on June 1, 1956.
-He stands 214 cm tall (a little over 7' 0" and weights 121 kg.
-He likes to wrestles bears and do the Cossack dance.
-He dislikes projectiles and young, beautiful women.

That's right. Zangief dislikes young, beautiful women. This came as quite the surprise.

Reading further we learn that "Zangief has been confirmed to be gay in the past" and "might still be gay." While at the end of Capcom Fighting Evolution Zangief is shown "sitting in a jacuzzi with three almost naked girls," this game is considered "non-canon" and thus doesn't really count.

I attempted further research on the subject, but could only find jerky jokes about Zangief's homosexuality that I won't repeat here. Thus, through the dearth of factual information about the subject I am forced to conclude that either a) this is merely an urban legend or b) Zangief is bisexual.

Let me one more time recommend the Wikipedia page for Zangief and point out how insane it is how much detail there apparently is behind a frickin' Street Fighter 2 character.

Release the Webhounds!

Got a task for you, blog.

In the past week, our website has gotten over 1500 hits from this forum:

YTU Forum

I don't know why, or how to start looking. My guess is its about this feature, which gets linked a lot, but I can't confirm.

Go to it, blog. First person who figures it out gets... Something. We have no more tickets to give out for a while, so who knows what it might be?

NFL Saturday

The Giants remaining three games will be on Saturdays which, I gotta tell ya, is strange. And terrifically inconvenient today, as the Giants game will probably end around the time Ninja Xmas III starts. The things I do for comedy!

Prediction: Giants will play better today. I find that they often play to the level of competition, and the Chiefs are good. Larry Johnson will run effectively, remember that he plays basketball and sign with the Charlotte Bobcats. Tiki Barber will carry the Giant offense, as everyone else depends on Eli getting them the ball and Eli has been...shaky.

Giants win 30-24. Eh, let's get a slightly crazier score. 32-26. Yeah, I like that, 32-26.

On Hilarious Christmas Parody Songs...

This may seem a little disingenuous, given the content we've recently placed on the website, and the show that we're doing tonight, but:

- I hate Christmas music.

- I hate Morning Radio Parodies.

- There is literally nothing worse than going to the deli in the morning and hearing a Morning Radio Parody of a Christmas song.

Caveats:

- I do enjoy some Christmas songs, but in moderation. Before Halloween? No. Non-stop for five days? No. One fun song while walking through a store? Fine.

- I used to religiously listen to tapes of Scott & Todd on the Z100 Morning Zoo when I was 10. There was literally nothing I found funnier. And its actually possible, I guess, that they were funny back then. Just fifteen or so years later, they've kind of lost that touch. However, I'd rather not go back through the tapes to check. If anyone has input into this, please let me know.

Comedian, Psychopath...Stupid?

Newest Yankee Mike Myers about top free agent Johnny Damon:

"I think the fans would absolutely love him there, just his hustle and his passion for the game, the way he goes about his business. I think he'd fit in great in the clubhouse, even though I don't know what the clubhouse is."

The clubhouse is that room with all the lockers that you get changed in, Mike.

Where do we find these people!

Got Your Sleigh Ride

I will unabashedly say this is my favorite:

Got Your Sleigh Ride

Merry Christmas in Heaven, ODB. Merry Christmas.

HOTTEST Webcam Ever

"They both appear to be female—but it is difficult to say for sure."

Via Danny.

Ninja Xmas: Last Chance!

This Saturday, a rogue band of ninjas will face off against Santa Claus and his army of toymaking elves. Blood will spill. Merry will be made. Who shall rise victorious from the slaughter? We know not.* But we do know this.

This Saturday, NINJA XMAS SHALL PERISH.

*******************
Elephant Larry presents

NINJA CHRISTMAS

FINAL SHOW! (first 2 shows sold out, so we recommend advance tix!)

December 17

Saturdays at 8:00 PM

@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)

Tickets: $8

Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/2732
Get 'em o'er the phone: (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488

Simply http://www.elephantlarry.com

A wonderful http://elephantlarry.blogspot.com

*******************

See you this Saturday,

Jeff Solomon
Elephant Larry
Strawberry Fields Division



*We do know, however, that ninjas have stars, swords and smoke bombs, and that Santa has... presents. Let's just say Vegas isn't abuzz over this one.

Some movies are better to own on VHS

Demolition Man is a perfectly good example.

Somebody back me up on this...?

Fair Warning

Geoff:

If you "fneh" King Kong, I'll kill your face.

Audio #2

Happy Uppercuts, from our family to yours.

EL @ Stand Up New York

Hello, friendships. Elephant Larry will be performing a short set tonight at Stand Up New York.

If you love sketches about Christmas and Brooklyn Bound R Trains, then this is the show for you!

Best Parts Of The Mandatory Sexual Harassment Training Course At My Work Yesterday

-video to start off the training included the line: "Let me tell you about my retirement plan...let's retire to my bedroom!"

-video broke the fourth wall by showing that each announcer's "workplace" was really just a studio that they were filming in.

-also from the video, one of the suggested methods for avoiding participating in sexual harassment is to envision what your wife, children, parents and THIRD GRADE TEACHER would say if they learned about it. Quoth the imagined third grade teacher: "He used to be such a nice boy..."

-real life group leader insisting that it was extremely rare that females ever sexually harass males, even though the reason we were having the mandatory sexual harassment training was that a female had sexually harassed a male.

-afterward, at the office holiday party, a co-worker apparently said: "I think I'll have some Wild Cherry Pepsi...wait, am I allowed to say cherry?"

HOT SCOOP!

Esteemed comprehenders of this blog: I just got off the phone with one Alexander Z. (is what we'll call him), and boy do I have a TOWERING HEAP OF DREAM GOSSIP FOR YOU!

It seems that Alexander Za-whoops! That's all you're getting!

Anyway, it seems that Mr. Za- dreamt about yours truly, your intrepid blog reporter writing these words right now! He dreamt that I was lying on a couch, sad and sobbing. He asked why I was so upset. Dream Me revealed that I had slept with "Buffy."

Mr. Zalbennnnnnnnsten had no idea who Buffy was, so he meekly responded "Buffy...the....vampire.......................slayer?"

To which I shouted "No!" and sobbed uncontrollably. Clearly I was upset by the fact that I had slept with Buffy.

Only in your dreams, folks! Only in your dreams!

Finally!

A delicious candy for people who've always wished they could bite off the tips of their crayons.

Other amusing stops on the Official Hershey Web Site Highway:

• Physical Activity & Young People
• HERSHEY'S SOLUTION CENTER
• Insulin Resistance
• And of course, THE HOTEL HERSHEY

MetaDreaming

I don't know why my brain was so aware it was dreaming last night, but it totally was. Twice.

No.1: In the middle of a playground camera battle with Olde English (we were all standing around in a circle, taking pictures of each other), I decide that I should write down what I'm dreaming about. So I do. In my dream. While I'm dreaming.

No.2: I'm riding the subway, teddy bear in one hand, backpack in the other. I get off at 23rd street, and realize that I don't have my backpack with me. "That's okay," I think, "I can wake up later and get it from the living room. That's where I put it before I went to bed."

Holiday Treats

For your very ears, in fact:

Sugarplum Battle

For the next few days, we'll be posting Jeff's truly charming mixes and mashes from Ninja Christmas. Which you should also buy tickets for.

This Is Fun

Fly in the sky!

Via Bil, via his AIM profile.

USCAF Showcase

Not doing anything Friday afternoon? Then come out and watch an awesome Elephant Larry video, along with some other awesome videos, at this US Comedy Arts Festival Showcase!
*********************************
Friday, December 16 @ 4:00pm

--FREE--

USCAF SHOWCASE: NICO PAYAMAS’ VIDEO VARIETY SHOW
Come get a sneak peak of the best shows of 2005, as they perform for the US Comedy Arts Festival. All showcases are free, but reservations are STRONGLY recommended. Call 212-563-7488 to reserve your seat.

With special guests: Kristen Schaal and Slovin & Allen

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 W. 29th Street
(btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)
*********************************
Totally seriously, the videos in this show are great, so if you have the time, come check it out. Oh, and its free. So yeah. Thanks.

I Just Won A Pie!

I did!

My friend Clorinda just called me from her marine base in coastal Texas asking if I knew what year Jackie Robinson retired. I did know that he retired in 1956 because I'm a baseball nerd and she said "I'll call ya right back."

When she did, I learned that she had just won a radio call-in contest that was asking that question and offering as a prize, get this: whatever pie you want!

Since I knew the answer, Clorinda allowed me to pick the pie. I went with pumpkin. Can't go wrong with pumpkin.

As a result, Geoffrey Haggerty picked a pumpkin pie for picking perfect...answers...to a question.

Lost some steam there.

Of Mice And/Or Men

I know they're insisting this is not the case, but clearly it's just a matter of time before these mice start marrying their high school sweethearts, taking their motorscooters to work and buying all the latest special edition DVD box sets.

The Case Of The White Footprints

On my way to work this fine morn, I happened upon a tipped-o'er paintcan in the middle of Minetta Lane. I saw some footprints around it and assumed they belonged to whatever idiot had dropped the paintcan in the first place.

As I continued, I noticed the footprints continued along with me. Either the idiot owner of the paintcan wanted to put as much distance between themselves and this catastrophe as possible or another slightly less idiotic person had accidentally or on purpose walked through a puddle of paint. Either way, the game was afoot. The footprints continued.

And continued. They took a right, which was fortunate, because that was where I was going. Then they started to behave erratically. They veered left and right, swerving and flailing and dragging thin white lines, presumably to try to get as much paint off of themselves as possible. They kicked out onto a patch of ice, and smashed it and chipped it into oblivion and still came out with most of its paint intact. The white footprints continued.

They continued onto a metal grate and kicked and stomped and succeeded only in making the metal grate slightly whiter.

They continued across the street, finally starting to slowly fade. They went past my train station, but I followed. I knew that if I followed long enough, I would finally meet this frustrated, frustrated white footed individual. I was wrong. The footprints finally faded completely a little bit past West 4th Street.

Epilogue: Upon returning to the scene of the paintspill, my friend Adam and I saw another set of footprints going in the other direction entirely. Tracing the footsteps, Adam found that they belonged to a woman, deduced from their one-foot-in-front-of-the-other gait. They faded out over on West 3rd Street.

Snarfing Rice Krispies

...is something I don’t suggest doing.

I had the pleasure of experiencing it firsthand this morning. And one-whole-mouthful-of-cereal-stuck-up-in-my-stupid-head later, I think I still may have a couple of kernels(?) lodged in my brain. Probably in the nerve center that knows whether "kernel" is what you call an individual Rice Krispy. Krispie? Whatever.

Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. If you have to snarf, keep it to liquids.

Except Dimetapp.

(Seriously.)

Pink Fairy Armadillo

Several people have refused to believe this is a real animal, but check out this pink colored, fuzzy, smallest armadillo in the world: The Pink Fairy Armadillo.



This animal was discovered while looking for words that rhyme with "pillow."

Related: Wikipedia entry on this delightful creature

Big Blue

What do you get when you pit the 8-4 division leading New York Giants against the sputtering, declining, Terrell Owens/Donovan McNabb/Brian Westbrook-less 5-7 Philadelphia Eagles?

Probably a nail-biting, frustrating beyond belief 13-7 win. Groan in advance.

Let's go Giants!

Weekend Blogging

I have heard complaints that Elephant Larry's Group Blog does not have enough posting on the weekends for their taste. And even though that person is visiting family in Bellingham, WA for the weekend, this one goes out to him:

Last night, walking home at 3:30am from Chinatown I happened upon an air conditioner on the curb (which is pretty short-sighted...granted, it's cold, but I bet that'll come in handy in a few months. Anyway).

Upon said air conditioner was a strange, chunky, colorful substance that barely even registered with me as I walked past it. A few feet further on, there was a fish head on the floor. Retroactively I realized that the strange, chunky, colorful substance was a gutted fish, seemingly ripped apart by hand on the side of the road.

I'm gonna go get some lunch.

Good Thing Peppermint Is Really Manly

Last winter, while waiting in line for a morning cup of coffee, there were two construction workerish dudes standing in front of me. I can't guarantee their names were actually Joe and Bob, but I can guarantee they had the following conversation:

Joe: Hey, what you want?

Bob: I was thinking about getting a mocha.

Joe: ...

Bob: What?

Joe: Are you a fucking faggot?

For the record, let it be known that I have enjoyed five goddamn Starbucks Peppermint Mochas in the last 72 hours.

Fucking Faggotdom, I embrace thee.

The Music Selection At My Work

All morning: Blast Christmas Carols in the lobby.

All afternoon: Blast Sean Paul in the lobby.

Seasons Greetings! Pass the 'dro!

The Newest Yankee

I imagine he will be getting batters out with a mix of hilarious characters and serial killing.

You Are The Imminent Prey Of NINJA XMAS!!

My impression of Alex doing an impression of Jeff:

Happy Snowday, Elephans!

Thanks to everyone for making our first Ninja Xmas a big ol' sold-out happy time! To those who have seen the glory: it is now your destiny to spread the word to your dear friends, blood brothers and sworn enemies. Go now. Tell the people.

And to those who have not yet seen: what are you waiting for? Only 2 shows left! Get your tix now!

*******************

Elephant Larry presents

NINJA CHRISTMAS

2 SHOWS LEFT!

December 10, 17

Saturdays at 8:00 PM

@ THE PIT: 154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)

Tickets: $8

Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/2732

Get 'em o'er the phone: (800) 838-3006

Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488

Just hear those http://www.elephantlarry.com/ ring ting tingaling toooooooooo

Oh well it's lovely weather for a http://elephantlarry.blogspot.com/ with yoooooooooo

*******************

Saturday, you DIE!!!!

Jeff Solomon

Elephant Larry

You don't really die but maybe you would if we were really ninjas but we're not sigh department

Frightful

Things I saw on the way to work:

-a snow duck

-a snow Buddha

-Washington Square Park covered in snow...that was pretty nice.

-and lastly, I saw the snow turn to rain and drench me in icy water. Not quite so nice.

I still like winter better!

Sketch Comedy In The News!

Boy, some people sure are mad about this.

I haven't seen the tape, or even any of the excerpts shown on CNN (work computer isn't up-to-snuff enough). But allow me to make up an opinion: intention was satire, execution was horrible.

Am I close?

Dad Story #2

I know I'm gonna butcher this one, but here goes:

My Dad's previously mentioned finely honed sense of justice is clearly piqued by cars and traffic-related issues.

In this episode, my Dad was walking on the sidewalk, which if you know my Dad, is actually quite rare for him. Anyway, his inexperience as a pedestrian had nothing to do with the fact that a car, while attempting to enter a supermarket parking lot through a driveway on the sidewalk, nearly ran him down. The driver was clearly in the wrong and my Dad clearly knew it, so he let him have it with a barrage of screams and curses. There was a lesson to be learned.

The driver emerged from the vehicle, all 6'3 250ish pounds of him. Apparently he had had a bad day and his patience was in short supply. He started screaming and cursing back at my father, and eventually challenged him to a fight.

If there's one thing my Dad's not, it's stupid. He responded, "What, do you think, I'm stupid? You'll destroy me in a fight. How about a reading contest? Let's have a reading contest to settle this."

To which the large driver retorted, "I had a 3.4 cumulative average at college."

My Dad threw his hands in the air and said "You win."

There was no fight or reading contest. Even when my Dad loses, he wins. Or vice versa. Or something.

Snake Tail Nibbling

Amusing, and from this morning's Times:

A new documentary about the ratings system of the Motion Picture Association of America and its impact on American culture has been given an NC-17 rating by the association. The rating specifies: "No one 17 and under admitted." An announcement from the Independent Film Channel said the documentary, "This Film Is Not Yet Rated," was given the rating for "some graphic sexual content" and noted that such a designation usually means that many theater chains will not show the film, publications will not run advertisements and video store chains will not stock it.

Wonder if the filmmakers did this purposefully.

This movie is coconut soup.

Never before has my desire to see a film been so greatly augmented by my complete ignorance as to its plot and overall content.

Philadelphia

Fneh.

The movie, not the city. I like the city.

Maybe it didn't seem so ham-fisted at the time. The world was a different place in 1993.

I'll tell ya one thing though, Denzel was better than Tom Hanks in this one.

Cold Brains

Winter weather’s enjoyable because it makes my morning strolls slightly more insane. It probably has to do with poor circulation on my part, all that cold air keeping blood from reaching certain parts of my brain.

What's that? A dramatic example? Okay, fine:

Chris and his Brain are strolling down the street. A young mother walks by, tugging her little bundled-up daughter along by the arm.

Brain: Aw. Will you look at that? It’s a young mother. Tugging along her child.

Chris: Yes.

Brain: You think that’s cute.

Chris: I do.

Brain: Look how bundled up she is. Puffy coat. Scarf and hat. She’s like an adorable little pillow.

Chris: Maybe I should hug it.

Brain: But probably not.

The mother and child have walked by now.

Chris: Hey. What were those little…things?

Brain: Where?

Chris: On her hands.

Brain: Hm.

Chris: They weren’t gloves.

Brain: Nope. All the fingers were together.

Chris: Yup.

Brain: Like flipper-gloves.

Chris: Right. What do you call those really?

Brain: What? The flipper-gloves?

Chris: Yeah.

Brain: …

Chris: Anything?

Brain: …

Chris: You should know this.

Brain: Gimme a minute.

Chris and Brain walk another block or so.

Chris: Anything?

Brain: Muffins.

Chris: What?

Brain: She’s wearing muffins.

Chris: On her hands?

Brain: Yes.

Chris: Hm…that sounds like it might be right.

Brain: Hm.

Chris: Really? Muffins?

Brain: Like 67% sure.

Chris: Hm. Maybe.

Brain: You’re very cold.

Chris: Yes…I’m not sure about—

Brain: I know. But it’s close.

Chris: Okay.

Fin.

And now, whenever I see people wearing those fluffy little flipper-gloves, I think about eating their hands.

That Jeff Solomon Sounds Like Such a Nice Boy...

Review of Jeff's CD on Seattlest

While You Were Sleeping...

...the iTunes TV store just tripled its usefulness.

NBC shows are now on the store, in addition to some ABC and Disney Channel shows. I have to say, I have downloaded about three episodes of Lost since the store debuted, and its great. If I miss an episode, and don't want to take the day I'd need to bit-torrent, its well worth the $2.

And I've found, the quality on the 'puter may not be too great, but here's a fun tip, which is way less complicated than I'm making it sound.

- Download the file in iTunes.

- Attach your computer to your TV with a mini to RCA plug, and an S-Video cable.

- Go to display preferences, and click "find new display," or whatever it is on your system.

- Mirror the displays.

- Exit iTunes, and find the raw file on your computer.

- Open the file in Quicktime.

- Play at Full Screen [Note: This only works in Quicktime Pro, which is $20, but well worth the purchase for a variety of reasons]

When you do this, which takes less time to set up than it did for you to read these instructions (seriously), you get a DVD quality image on your TV, in full-screen resolution, as the S-Video un-compresses the video.

Don't worry if this doesn't make sense; it looks great.

Anyway, point is, in addition to Lost, other shows well worth your moolah include:

- Alfred Hitchcock Presents
- Battlestar Galactica (new one)
- Law & Order (I guess, except its on TV in forty different places right now)
- The Office (American version, which actually keeps getting better)

Rip-offs include:

- Late Night with Conan O'Brien
- Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Which are either $2 for 5 minute clips, or $10 for hour long specials.

That being said, the Conan O'Brien specials are totally awesome.

Something That's Been Bothering Me For A Long Time

Shouldn't She-Ra be called She-Her? Or She-Woman?

I think it just follows that since He-Man is made of two actual words that refer to his masculinity, She-Ra shouldn't have to deal with a nonsense syllable/Egyptian sun god.

Not that She-Ra has to do everything He-Man does.

Yikes.

I'm sorry.

Looks Like Someone's Got A Case Of The MWAHAHA’s

Stefan has a long history of playing villains, but perhaps the most notable is Mytor, arch nemesis of Monicon and the peaceful land of Tolternia. Below is Stefan revitalizing his role a few years back at the Skits-O-Phrenics Tenth Anniversary Spectacular.





Not that Stefan plays any villains in Ninja Christmas or anything. I’m just sayin’, is all.

THIS POST MAY CONTAIN ADULT CONTENT: BLOGGER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

Said by my co-worker earlier: "If you don't bring a present for the grabbag, I'm gonna come in your face."

I really think she didn't mean it that way. I think she meant it more in the "I'm gonna get in your face"/fight you kind of way. But I'm not 100% percent sure.

And even if she did mean it that way, I think she was kidding.

Chris Principe: Building the Legend

Another old video from the vault, now on the video page for permanents, yo:

Chris Principe: Building the Legend

For permanents is actual slang, right?

Wrong.

What A Sweet Disaster

This happened over eighty years ago, but is still the best disaster I've ever heard of:

The Boston Molasses Disaster

Basically, due to shoddy safety work, a 2.5 million gallon tub of molasses burst in downtown Boston, releasing a 15 foot high, 35 mph wave of molasses that tore threw buildings, and knocked the Boston El train right off of its tracks.

It also killed 21 people, and injured 150 others, but let's not dwell on that too much. I have to think that seeing a tidal wave would elicit a reaction something like, "What is that, molasses?" And then its all over.

It took six months to remove all the molasses from the streets.

The thing that I find particularly unbelievable is that the name sounds like a cutesy children's novel. Here's some other possible titles in the series:

- The Chicago Kitten Conundrum
- The Santa Fe Rainbow Mystery
- The New York Knife Murders

Maybe not the last one.

And When They Hibernate I Assume They Wear Nightgowns And Sleeping Caps

I like it that every once in a while, a contention made in cartoons that seems oversimplified is, in fact, true: Bears like honey.

Poor bears.


Related:

Trailer Tuesday

X-Men 3 - Nowhere near as cool as the trailer for the second movie, but about on par with the so-so trailers for the first, so we'll see. Beast looks terrible, and I hate the evil leather army in the woods, but whatevs. I just like this shot because you can see Cyclops' cavities.

Click Here to View the Trailer


Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Much more fun than the X3 trailer, and although I wasn't crazy about the first movie, it reminds you of the best points of the first one: Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, and Johnny Depp.

Click Here to View the Trailer

And Some Others...

The Pulse - For some reason, this trailer scared the crap out of me. It was either because I'll believe TV's Veronica Mars in any situation, or because at the time, I was being totured by ghosts.

The Lady in the Water - This one got a fantastic reaction in the theater, and I totally agree. Perfectly paced, but works better if you have no idea what it is. Have someone else open the trailer for you and make you watch it.

Firewall - If you don't know you're not going to see this movie from the title, then, by all means, go watch Harrison Ford continue to suck. I hope at some point in the movie, he says, "Get off my internet connection!" and then kicks those haxxxors asses.

The Sentinel - Its funny, because if TV Keifer Sutherland and Movie Keifer Sutherland existed in the same world, he'd constantly be having to take himself down. Oh, and whoever titled this movie was all like, "Let's call it The Fugitive!" and then the studio was all like, "That's taken, what's the opposite of a Fugitive?" and the screenwriter was all like, "The Sentinel!" and they were all like, "I'll greenlight that."

Rip-Off!

Ya know what I hate?

I hate when people predict that we're gonna get 4-7 inches of snow and all we get is a lousy inch or so. This is the way it always happens. They predict three feet, we get three inches. Predict three inches? Rain. And forget about flurries, that's usually the hottest day of the year.

And I always get fooled. They revised it down to 2-3 before I went to sleep and I thought to myself "Well at least we get THAT much." But no. One inch. If that. What a tease!

I want to sled and make snowmen in the meadow! I want to frolic in the fields and make snow angels with my sweetheart! I want to pelt Alex with snowballs!

Clearly I have strong feelings about precipitation.

Christmas Miracle or Pest Infestation

A tiny little mouse chewed through all of the VIP bags we had left at the PIT, to get to the delicious chocolate inside.

Although he scared the crap out of me when I got into work this morning, I'm going with Christmas Miracle.

In other news, I'll let you know if I catch this Christmas Miracle in my glue traps.

The Osi

Three cheers for Osi Umenyiora, defensive end for the New York Giants! He had a sack yesterday against the hated Dallas Cowboys, pressured their quarterback Drew Bledsoe all day and has a name it took me two and a half years to finally learn how to pronounce. (FYI, it's "O-see Yoo-men-YOUR-a")

In my research on Osi, I learned he is two months younger than me. It really changes your relationship with sports when you realize these gigantic freaks of nature are younger than you. It makes you feel like you should be able to order them around when, actually, you can't.

Get me a soda, LeBron James!

Baby, Fix That... Hold Up.

Check it out, McSweeneys has two new books coming out for the holidays:

In this bundle you'll receive Baby, Make Me Breakfast, an instructional book which shows infants how to concoct a simple breakfast, and Baby, Mix Me a Drink, which instructs your little one how to mix a variety of basic cocktails. Through basic shapes and colors, these two board books teach your precious little angels to be useful, at long last.

We'll also throw in a couple of Baby Be of Use coasters, which can be placed under drinks, or breakfasts, or babies, to prevent unnecessary table damage.

FYI, Lisa Brown, the author of these books, is married to Daniel Handler, who some of you may know better as Lemony Snicket.

Via Brian McMorrow.

Also: (Un)related?

Last Week's Dress Rehearsal

Santa typing away on his Powerbook really cracks me up for some reason.

Happy Jerfday, Birth!

And The Award For Coolest Musical Instrument Goes To...

...the theremin.

I had heard of the theremin, but the first time I saw one in action was at a performance by Stickerbook just a few months ago.

I remember seeing the band onstage and hearing all the instruments and being able to associate each sound I was hearing with an instrument I was seeing, as anyone with a good healthy brain should do. Except one sound. One crazy sound... I also remember seeing one member of the band (Jen Hammaker, it turns out) standing in front of what looked like kinda like a keyboard with an antenna, holding her hands in the air and conducting or something.

When I realized the crazy sound was coming from the conductor person, my head slowly tilted to the right, like a dog's does when they just don't understand.

Theremins rule!

*Musical Snowman Thoughts*

I think we should take a moment to appreciate the unjust victimization of the poor “Winter Wonderland” snowmen.

If'n you’re unfamiliar, the song tells the story of a love-drunk couple frolicking through the wintry hills. Upon reaching the meadow, they decide to build a snowman named Parson Brown, who’s brought to life with the express purpose of marrying the couple together. His section of the song goes as follows:

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say: Are you married?
[or, “Now that you’ve made me, can I do that which I was created to do, perhaps achieving some sense of self worth and actualization?”]
We'll say: No man,
[or, “Not only do we deny you and your identity, but we'll also refer to you as 'man,' which you are clearly not.”]
But you can do the job
When you're in town.
[This is the last we hear about the Parson and his fate is unclear. The winter wonderlanders either: a) abandon him in the meadow. Or, more likely: b) force him to leave town and wander the icy countryside until enough time passes for the selfish lovers to realize they are perfect for one another in that they’ll never find any other humans as cruel and insensitive with which to spend the rest of their lives.]

A little later in the song, the couple goes on to create a second, circus clown snowman. To their credit, they do treat him a bit more fairly, though they regard his death - attributed to "other kiddies" knocking him down - with a sickening inevitability. Note: other interpretations of the clown's death do exist.

Hearye! Hearye!

I now officially declare today to be Music Day* on Elephant Larry's Group Blog!

I very, very much enjoyed this White Stripes video. It is The Denial Twist, courtesy of Mr. Michel Gondry of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" fame. I like him AND I like the White Stripes, meaning that this is my favorite thing of all time, I guess.

*not necessarily.

"311, I am ready to fight."

Ah hahahahahahahaahaha.

Conditioning

The way I know I'm super tired? I start using conditioner incorrectly.

Seriously. This has become a great indicator to me of how exhausted I am. Things I have done with conditioner, in the shower, in the morning:

- Not rinsed it out, stepped out of the shower, gotten dressed, and realized my hair is filled with greasy conditioner.

- Rubbed it on my arms.

- Washed my face with it.

- Just stood there while I slowly squeezed it down the drain.

In case it wasn't clear, this morning I did one of those. Guess which one?

*Snowman Thoughts*

Dangling a carrot in front of a snowman’s nose is not so much incentive, as it is torture.

Similarly harsh: threatening to punish snowmen by striking them with sticks, or as some snowmen might call them, arms.

And finally, if you’re ever lighting a fire beneath a snowman in hopes of making him melt, use coals. Just imagine someone melting you with a pile of burning eyeballs, lips, and coat buttons.

Yikes.

Farewell, Thursday...

...we shall never forget you.

Days of the Week:
1) Saturday
2) Friday
3) Sunday
4) Thursday
5) Tuesday
6) Wednesday
7) Monday

Two Blugs

Blog Plugs, copyrighted by Chris Principe.

1. Aristocontest <--- Now with actual prizes

2. NINJA CHRISTMAS!!!
***************************
V2 Records, The PIT, and Dead-Frog.com present

The Aristocontest
[The Filthiest Joke Ever - LIVE!]

Saturday, December 3 - 11:00pm

Featuring:
Bob Wiltfong (The Daily Show)
Kurt Braunohler (Chengwin, Neutrino Video Projects)
Katherine Bryant (Fearsome)
Bob Powers (How to Kick People)
Andres du Bouchet (TONY Best of NY)
Baron Vaughn (Brooklyn Comedy Company)
AND MORE!

Come early, and sign-up to tell your OWN version of the Aristocrats joke!

$100 Grand Prize, courtesy of V2 Records!

All participants receive a copy of The Aristocrats comedy soundtrack, out December 6 on V2 Records! Obscene, vulgar, offensive... The Funniest CD you will ever hear.

@ The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street
(btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)

Tickets: $8
Online: www.BrownPaperTickets.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

www.v2music.com
www.thepit-nyc.com
www.dead-frog.com
***************************
Merry Xmas, Elephans.

Prepare to die.

*******************
Elephant Larry presents

NINJA CHRISTMAS

3 SHOWS ONLY!

December 3, 10, 17

Saturdays at 8:00 PM

@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)

Tickets: $8

Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/2732
Get 'em o'er the phone: (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488

A beautiful http://www.elephantlarry.com

We're happy to- http://elephantlarry.blogspot.com

*******************

See you Saturday!!!! NINJA XMAS!!!!!

Name It...We Got It

If you should happen to drive through Brooklyn, you will come across a series of signs ranging from generic to bizarre. These are the "Welcome To Brooklyn" signs.

Some of them are pretty straight-forward, like "Home to Everyone Everwhere!" and "Like No Other Place In the World!" Nice and normal, could refer to anywhere. Then there's "Fuhgeddaboudit," which is silly but pretty clearly Brooklyn.

Then there's "Name It...We Got It." I don't get this sign at all.

Is it a reference, like "How Sweet It Is!" is a reference to the Honeymooners? A quick google search seemed to indicate it was not. Is it 100% generic, like the "Not Just a Borough, An Experience" one? Maybe, but it just doesn't feel like it. Is it just viciously stupid, like "Believe The Hype?"

And why is it so sullen? Why no exclamation point to indicate any emotion? Why the thoughtful ellipsis? Why aren't they happier that they have anything you can name?

It feels like I'm being left out. It's like the entire borough has an inside joke that everyone in Brooklyn is in on and they're laughing at me cuz I don't get it but I'm not mad that I don't get it, I'm mad that they're laughing at me.

It is clear I have given this sign too much thought. As a defense mechanism, Chris and I make fun of this sign constantly.

Ah well. At least it's not "Oy Vey."

A "24" Parody That I Think Would Have Been Hackneyed Even If I Had Thought Of It When The Show First Came Out Four Years Ago

Self-Aware Character On "24": Hey.

Self-Aware Character On "24" 2: Hi. What's up?

Self-Aware Character On "24": Nothing. Hey, did you ever notice that all the craziest stuff happens around, like, 55 minutes past the hour?

Self-Aware Character On "24" 2: What do you mean?

Self-Aware Character On "24": Just all the craziest twists and new information we receive...always seems to come right before the hour. Maybe it's just me.

Self-Aware Character On "24" 2: Well I was kidnapped at 3:58 that one time.

Self-Aware Character On "24": See, that's what I'm talking about, stuff like that.

Self-Aware Character On "24" 2: You're crazy!

Self-Aware Character On "24": Shut up!


Just finished Season 1 last night. Pretty darn good. It dragged big-time in the early afternoon, but the last episode was tremendous. Recommended!