Alex might murder me...

...but look what I just got!

Ha! Fuck you, commercials! Die! Die! Die!

Baseball Prognostications

With the baseball season opening up this Sunday(!!!), it is time to once again brush off my dusty, tired prediction: The Yankees will win the World Series. It is the prediction I've been making for 12 years, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stop now. Besides, it even came true four times in the late nineties!

Now, admittedly, this little prediction hasn't gone so well for me lately. But I am confident in my chances of accurately predicting the baseball champions this time around. To wit:

-Randy Johnson
-seven usable members of the bullpen, with Buddy Groom and Ramiro Mendoza awaiting in the minors
-a dependable offense which scored a gad of runs last year
-Randy Johnson
-a less pressure-filled season for Alex Rodriguez
-Randy Johnson

Did I mention Randy Johnson? He's good. Oh, and I also predict that I will develop a heart condition thanks to the 19 games against the Red Sox this year. Jesus, I can't take that kind of pressure...though I am going to Opening Day against the Red Sox. Whoops! Sorry heart!

Check back soon for my thrilling Manager of the Year predictions!

And Suddenly Everything Has Changed

Though I have major problems with time and its relentless passing, some credit must be given to the heavenly watchmakers for those brief moments of realization when it suddenly hits you: "Wow. An entire year has passed since so and so."

When I was little, for some reason, I would experience these moments while reading the expiration dates printed on cereal boxes. I’d look at the box and be like, “Wow, there’s no way we can finish all this cereal by then.” And then BAM, the old box would be empty and soon there’d be a brand new box with a later expiration date and looking at it I’d suddenly encounter the cosmic transience of it all.

There is a point to all this: The Morning News has a bi-weekly-ish feature called "The Letters of Gary Benchley." It chronicles the life of Gary, who's moved down to NYC in hopes of making it as a Rockstar. I started reading the series when I landed my current job in the autumn of 2003. So when I read yesterday’s new installment, I suddenly realized, "Wow. I've been working at the same place for a year and a half now."

Anyway, I suggest going right to the archives and just plowing through to the present. The earlier pieces are particularly fresh and funny.

BOOM Ts for Sale!

**NEW** BOOM Ts - Pledge allegiance to the BOOM! We've made a limited quantity of BOOM Ts, featuring the BOOM logo on the front, party in the back! The green T to the left is just an example... Choose your size, we'll choose the color. $10.

---

SizeSmallMediumLargeX-Large

NOTE: If you're having problems with this form, you can also go to ElephantLarry.com, click on "store," and purchase any of our many fine T-Shirts.

DOUBLE NOTE: If you're having any further problems, please e-mail us your order at info@elephantlarry.com.

A Royal Affair

Hey everyone. Remember a few months ago when Mr. Zalben posted about that royal scandal show that needed a title? Well it turns out Mr. Principe NAMED THAT SHOW! And here are the details of said show, courtesy of Elephriend, Monica Hill:

"A Royal Affair"
Sunday, April 3rd
Fox News Channel, 9PM & Midnight (EST)
[That's 6PM & 9PM on the west coast]

According to Monica, it is "all about Charles, Camilla and those other wacky royals." Come on, you know you want to. Just have your remote ready when "Arrested Development" ends and you're set!

Skeletons Wanted

Who wants to kinda be in a Comedy Central show? A friend of mine needs some people with nasty secrets to share:

Comedy Central is filming two pilot episodes next Thursday April 7th. For each episode, we need two "audience members" who will be willing to share a skeleton from their closet as part of a segment called "skeletons." The three comic panelists and the entire studio audience will know your secret and the comics will offer the host clues as he tries to guess it. The episodes won't air on Comedy Central but will be shown to focus groups.

Some skeletal examples: somebody having had a nose job, someone having had a breast reduction, a guy who let another guy pleasure him orally while "experimenting" in college, somebody who wet the bed until he was in 8th grade, etc...

So if you have some shareable closeted skeletons and can make it to the far west side of midtown Manhattan by 3pmish or 7pmish on Thursday, April 7th, send me an e-mail at chris@elephantlarry.com and I'll put you in touch with the right folks.

No need to share your skeleton with me. That is, unless you really want to.

Star Wars: Chocolate M-Pire

I think there's a certain point you reach when you're no longer diluting your brand, but it's actively become diluted. This is Star Wars' moment:



LucasFilm and MasterFoods (seriously, that's the name of the company that makes M&Ms) unveiled their new candy/film promotion in Times Square yesterday, complete with a life size X-Wing, Darth Vader, and another, friendlier Darth Vader.

The promotion, called "Star Wars: Chocolate M-Pire," which is ridiculous enough, will see MasterFoods roll out its first ever Dark Chocolate M&Ms. These will be enrobed in dark colored candy, indicating the dark side of the force, and be paired with light colored milk chocolate M&Ms, for the light side of the force.

Wait, it gets more ridiculous.

• The M&Ms will be available in 72 different collectors packages.
  
• Skittles will have a more reasonable 48 different packages, and an online video game contest. Stefan and I already have packages of skittles that pre-enter us in this contest.
  
• If you find a Kudos bar not covered in chocolate, you win a family Star Wars vacation. The lack of chocolate indicates, and I quote, "an imbalance in the force."
  

The only way they could make this worse is if there was some sort of Darth Vader Mr. Potato Head, called Darth Tater. Oh wait.

Via Tale of Two Cities, and StarWars.com.

These Genics Are Huge

According to the Pacific Northwest Medical Journal, California is the first state in the Union to offer free vasectomies to men who have been diagnosed as obese.

In other words? Doctors have finally discovered the best way to help obese people: keep ‘em from reproducing. And apparently there’s been an overwhelming turnout.

The full article’s here, and definitely really worth the read. If anything, for the author’s impressive avoidance of the moral implications inherent. Seriously. It’s either ignorance or finesse. I really can’t tell.

There are so many things about this I don’t understand, but I’ll limit it to this: Are vasectomies really that expensive? Is high cost really the only thing keeping dudes from getting their tubes cut?

Ok, and one more thing: there’s also a mention of reversible vasectomies, where doctors implant mini-faucet-like valves. Once this genetic-purifying-policy is fully adopted, such reversible valves could be used as an incentive “to bring clinically obese people to a sufficient level of fitness by rewarding them with permission to procreate and switching on the control valves implanted in the subject.”

Ok, that's it. I’m done now. Yay! Seriously. Thanks, Fark.

Another Dead Baby

Don’t let the word “baby” imply that I hold any affection for this piece of crap. It’s much too long, the game is weak and scattered, and you can pretty much tell I got bored and distracted about halfway through. In other words? Perfect blog-fodder.

This was the first sketch I brought in several months ago when we kick-started the BOOM writing. So basically, it’s the result of me “priming my own pump.” Interpret that however you’d like.

It was read once to the group, given comments, and has been appropriately rotting away on my hard drive ever since. Also, prime ministers and mayors are basically the same thing, so shut the fuck up. “Enjoy.”

Harry is sitting, reading a book. Two men are dressed in all black, sleeping upstage.

Nightblade: Thanks so much for letting us crash on your couch, Harry (yawns). Shadow and I both really appreciate it.

Harry: No sweat, Nightblade. (Ding Dong) Oh, that must be Joel. Come on in!

Shadow: I’m so exhausted.

Harry: I know, Shadow. I know. Just go back to bed.

Shadow: Ok…

Joel (enters): Harry!

Harry: Joel!

Joel: Everything’s cool?

Harry: Joel, relax.

Joel: Great, great. So…?

Harry: So…whose friend just scored him two of the city’s most deadly assassins?

Joel: This guy! (pointing at Harry)

Harry: Well, actually, Joel, no, I meant you but, anyway yeah. With these guys, there’s no way you’re not assassinating the prime minister tomorrow.

Joel: Excellent. I knew I could count on you. Where are they?

Harry: Right there. That’s Nightblade on the couch, and Shadow in the sleeping bag.

Shadow: I’m so exhausted.

Joel: Harry.

Harry: The prime minister will be dead by—

Joel: Harry!

Harry: What? Lower your voice, they’re trying to sleep.

Joel: This isn’t what I asked for.

Harry: Yeah it is.

Joel: I said, get me HIRED assassins.

Harry: Uh huh.

Joel: Not Tired Assassins.

Harry: Yeah, I know.

Joel: Then why did you get me tired assassins?!

Harry: Um.

Joel: Why did you get me tired assassins?!

Harry: You gotta stop freakin’ out man.

Joel: Harry! I can’t account for every stupid situation that may come about just because you mishear something.

Harry: Joel. They’re assassins.

Joel: Tired assassins.

Shadow: I’m exhausted.

Joel: See?

Harry: Well yeah, you’re right, they are tired.

Joel: Thank you.

Harry: Because they’re human beings.

Joel: Oh blah blah.

Harry: Human beings who are out all night assassinating people!

Nightblade: Could you please keep it down?

Harry: Sorry, Nightblade. (whispering) They’re human beings, Joel, not simple, two-dimensional stereotypes from some action movie.

Shadow (to Nightblade): Who are they talking about?

Joel: This happens all the time, Harry. Like that time I asked you to buy me grape—

Harry: Like that time you asked for grapefruits, and I gave you grapefruits instead of those little clusters of grapes you were expecting when you asked me to buy you grapefruits?

Joel: YES. Am I the only sane one here? I pay you thousands of dollars for hired assassins and you get me tired assassins. Sleeping ninjas.

Harry: You’re really making way too big of a deal over this.

Joel: How are they gonna assassinate the mayor? While their sleepwalking?

Harry: We’re going in circles, Joel. (One of the assassins has gotten up) Nightblade, sorry about this.

Joel: Oh look who’s got enough energy to get up. It’s a miracle.

Nightblade: Don’t worry, this behavior will probably only last two, three minutes tops.

Joel: Oh yeah, and then what’s gonna happen?

Harry: You’ll probably run out of the room screaming or get killed by one of my tired assassin friends.

Shadow: That’d be ironic.

Joel: What are you talking about?! You’re all crazy.

Nightblade: Here we go.

Shadow (to Nightblade): Somebody’s having trouble understanding a very simple concept.

Joel: What?!

Nightblade: You asked your friend, Harry, to find two men to—

Joel: I asked Harry for hired—

Nightblade: Slow down, Joel. We’ll get there. Harry brought me, Nightblade, and my colleague, Shadow…

Shadow: Whatsup.

Nightblade: …to murder the prime minister for you. But we were up late last night, murdering three different…

Shadow: Four.

Nightblade: Sorry. Four different heirs to a foreign throne.

Shadow: England.

Nightblade: I wasn’t gonna say, but fine, yeah, England. Point is, we’ve been up all night, and we need some rest.

Joel: See, they’re TIRED!

Nightblade: BUT! In addition to being pretty exhausted, Harry has ALSO paid us for our services which we’ll provide upon waking.

Harry: See, they’re also HIRED.

Joel: So you’re telling me...they can’t be both hired and tired.

Nightblade: Ya see, we can Joel. We really can. Harry. The problem with this situation here isn’t a misunderstanding or mishearing. Your friend Joel is suffering from an inability to understand that some one or something can have two dissimilar attributes simultaneously.

Shadow: The other one’s funnier.

Nightblade: They’re both pretty weak actually. Joel. You’re gonna have to get over this to be a productive member of society.

Harry: But what about the whole grapefruit thing?

Nightblade: Oh, he’s stupid too.

Joel: What?

Nightblade: Nothing. Shh. Shh…

Joel: What? No. If they were REAL assassins, they’d be speaking stealthily enough for me not to hear them.

Shadow: Hya! (Shadow blow darts him)

Harry: Woah! Shadow! Blowdart!

Joel: Ha you missed, jerk!

Nightblade: No he didn’t. Joel. I know that right now, it must feel like you’re really the only sane person in this crazy crazy apartment, but you’ve gotta listen to me, and to Harry—your friend, when I tell you you’re behaving irrationally.

Joel: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Shadow: Hya (Karate chops his back, goes back to bed).

Joel: Ow. That’s it, this whole thing’s off. I’m not paying for these.

Harry: www.gotohell.com. Now’s the time that you run off screaming.

Joel: Fine. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. (exits)

Nightblade: Well, that settles that.

Shadow: He’ll be dead in two minutes. Four words boys: POISON MICROSCOPIC BLOWDART AND I’M COUNTING “BLOWDART” AS TWO WORDS.

Harry: Hey, let’s all laugh at that now.

All: HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AHH AH HAHA AH AH H A H A H

BLACKOUT

Advance Tickets for BOOM

I've just been informed that The PIT is setting up advance ticketing for BOOM, rather than just a reservation system. Here's the info:

Online Ticketing:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1049

24/7 Ticket Hotline:
1-800-838-3006

Tickets are also still available for reservation through the PIT Box Office by calling 212-563-7488.

But, I'm gonna go out on a limb, and recommend to readers of our blog that you should probably buy tickets in advance. The PIT is a smaller space, and reservations aren't going to give you the same amount of guarantee a purchased ticket will.

I also know this system might be a little confusing, so any questions, please let us know.

3 Unrelated Things, Increasing in Relevance

1. We're Not Gonna Take It - Totally cute video of Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" with Super Mario characters. Not hilarious, but well done.

2. Totally Just Invented the Best Format for Music EVER - I agree. Here's a sampling, utilizing the Ghostbuster's theme:

1. Things I ain't afraid of:
   
   • no ghost
   
   
2. Strange things in the neighborhood (partial list):
   
   • seeing things running through head
     
   • invisible man sleeping in bed
   
   
3. Things that make me feel good:
   
   • bustin'
   
   
4. Who you gonna call:
   
   • Ghostbusters
     
   • I can't hear you
     
   • Louder

3. Night of the Living Turkeys - Staten Island Live blogs about Geoff blogging in this Blog! "Blog blog blog," said the Turkeys.

Actually, the only relevant thing was #3.

Alex on McSweeney's!

Read it here!

I dunno about you, but after that glowing review, I'm going to stock up on the stuff right away.

Escape

Turns out, I've never really listened to the Pina Colada Song.

But I digress. Wait, no I don't.

The other day I was in a cab listening to 106.7 (honestly, the cabbie was listening to it, I was just along for the ride, you know what I'm sayin?), when the following piece of dialogue occurred:

DJ: Okay, up next we have a song for any man that's thinking of fooling around on their special lady. DON'T.

Escape (The Pina Colada Song) starts playing.

Which was pretty hilarious, because he was serious and emphatic about it, implying that perhaps his life had been ruined after cheating on his wife.

But, and here's where the "I've never really listened to the song," thing comes in, the lesson of the song actually is: Cheat on your wife.

Although I've overheard the song hundreds of times (it was a staple of a-capella groups in college), I've never listened to the lyrics. Turns out, story is this:

Guy gets tired of wife.
Guy sees personal ad.
Guy responds to personal ad.
Guy and Personal Ad Girl meet up at bar.
Turns out, personal ad girl was his wife all along!
They laugh for exactly one second.
Their marriage becomes richer for this experience.

In real life, of course, both partners would have to deal with the fact that they actively were trying to cheat on each other, and had these secret double lives. Like in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. In the song, they both like each other more for it. Like in True Lies.

Regardless of all of this, one little fact trumps all others: the song is TERRIBLE.

...and with this kitschy-and-outdated-reference-laden post, I christen thee a comedy blog.

Three Things About Turkeys

First thing. Surprisingly, turkeys are not uncommon on Staten Island. My mother works at a medical center where wild turkeys roam the grounds as if they were pigeons. In fact, there was even one time that my brother and I went to pick up my Mom at work. There was a flock of wild turkeys right next to us, so we stopped to observe. Upon our stopping, the turkeys, in unison, turned their heads toward us and advanced upon us menacingly. We drove on.

That's the second thing about turkeys. They're kind of vicious.

So you can imagine my family's delight/discomfort to learn that there were about eight turkeys in our backyard last night. Though I'd seen turkeys before, I'd never seen turkeys on our side of Staten Island, much less right in our backyard. We all observed from a distance, my father slightly more concerned than the rest of us, cuz he knows that these turkeys is MEAN.

Night passes as it does and my father goes to check on the status of the turkeys. No turkeys in the backyard. No turkeys at the side of the house. No turkeys in the front yard. There! (I presume he thought) That does it for those turkeys! But no.

Like something out of a horror movie, my father then heard the incessant gobble gobble of those self-same turkeys. He searched again. Side of the house. Backyard. Frontyard. No turkeys. But the gobbling! Backyard again, side, frontyard. Where are those turkeys?!

My father finally looks up. Sitting there, in the tree on the side of our house sat those eight-or-so turkeys. As he tells it, my Dad slowly, but immediately, got the hell out from under that damn turkey tree.

Third thing. Turkeys climb trees.

1! 2! 3!

Gooooood Morning.

Here are three comedy-related articles from this weekend’s NY Times for all of you -- my lovely, lovely friends -- to enjoy:


They're In on the Joke: Hollywood's Funniest Clique


Janeane Garofalo and Air America


With TV Fame Elusive, Video-Series Creators Seek Success Online

Yawn Move

We got a new video online:



It was originally shown, in slightly different form, at the PIT Preview on March 5. And, it may make an appearance in BOOM. Or it may not. You'll just have to come and find out...

PS If you're having trouble with the video, its also available as an mp4 (smaller file), on the website.

Clear & Presents Danger

Let me start the day by being cantankerous.

There's at least two base times a year you're supposed to buy everybody you know a present: their birthday; and holiday time. Add in all the sub presents you need to get for other special occasions, wine or beer you need to buy for people's parties, and not to mention the time you need to spend coming up with a creative gift... It comes out to way too much effort with way too little reward.

Now, you probably think you know where I'm going with this: No more presents. WRONG.

I have no problem with the basic idea of presents. Free stuff is great! But the fact that we HAVE to buy presents for people irks me a bit, and especially the amount of presents we need to purchase. So here's my idea.

There is only ONE day out of the year you need to buy presents, and that's your birthday. On your birthday, you receive no presents. However, you do buy presents for everyone else you know.

Get it?

That way, you're receiving a steady stream of presents all year, which is nice. But at the same time, you only have to stress out about buying presents one day out of the year.

Added bonuses:

- Unlike the current Christmas, the only people packing stores will be those people who were actually born on Christmas.

- No more, "Oh rats, my birthday falls on St. Patrick's Day, so no-one celebrates it." Because EVERY day is like your birthday.

- People with no friends don't have to feel sad ever.

- Dogs will be made out of solid, candy flavored rainbows.

So that's the idea I had!

Happy Easter!

Etymology is fun!

I'm gonna go eat some meat. I think I'll start with the turkeys currently in my backyard. Seriously.

Stan Lee

There's an op-ed in today's NY Times about Stan Lee and Marvel Comics. Go for it!

What do you call a person whose first and last names could both be first names? Like Stan Lee? And what is it supposed to mean? That they can't be trusted?

Funny Interview

I found this through a baseball website! Aarongleeman.com if you must know!

Particularly funny is the description of "Life On A Stick."

Yikes.

And apparently, this isn't even a joke.

Happy Funtime Super Good Friday!!!

I'm going to hell for that one.

So you etymology fans, why is Good Friday called Good Friday? What's so good about your entire religion's focal savior-guy dying? Why isn't it called Spy Friday? I, like the intrepid reporter that I am, Googled it. After wading through all the non-biased super-Christian sites, I couldn't find any other sites. So rather than subject you to some boring, boring websites, here's a summary:

It's not totally known why it's called Good Friday.

There ya go! Glad to be of help! I kid. I kid because I love. There are two possible explanations. One, Jesus dying was a very "good" thing he did, because it started the whole forgiving us of our sins process. Two, it used to be called "God's Friday" and got changed in the same way that "God be with you" became "Good-bye". I would say this second explanation is about a trillion times more likely.

Also, though I said I wouldn't do it, here's one of those websites that came up. I took most of the information from it because a) it came up first on Google and b) that creepy guy looking around the corner is funny.

Do you have our dog??

Hey, blog dude(tte)s! We really need a smallish dog (approx. beagle or poodle size or smaller) this Sunday (or next weekend) for a video shoot. It'll just take 2-3 hours and we'll give you comp tickets to our show, and we'll probably also buy you a sandwich. Sound good? Hell yeah it does. If you're interested, please answer our craigslist ad.

Oh, and I don't think I need to clarify, but this is serious.

Yay for dogs!




Even though cats are better.

Let Me Tell You 'Bout The Snakes And The Bees

So apparently a spring training game between the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Colorado Rockies was called on account of bees. Lest you should start trying to make any clever puns about this turn of events, just know that Diamondbacks manager Bob Melvin already beaten you to it:

"I guess we've got to call that a `Bee' game"

For non-baseball fans out there, a B-game in spring training is one where most of the regulars do not play, and in their place are minor leaguers and re-treads who probably won't make the team.

And oh yeah, SHUT UP BOB MELVIN.

Top 20 Searches for March

Yeah, I know it isn't quite the end of March. Shut up.

1 elephant larry
2 lindsay lohan hot
3 george washington

Its nice to see that people are consistently finding our site, month after month, based on the three things we're known for. Actually, I can't believe people have been using the search term "lindsay lohan hot" three months in a row. I wonder if there's a question mark at the end of that, like some guy had heard about this Lindsay Lohan, and was wondering if she was hot.

4 white castle
5 yankees stadium

Fine, these both have to do with Features. Makes sense.

6 pajamas

Oh, pajamas, huh?

Man: Hey honey, where should buy pajamas?
Woman: Why not try ElephantLarry.com?
Man: But how would I find that?
Woman: Do a search for pajamas. ElephantLarry.com is your number one source for sleepwear.

Fin.

7 ashton kutcher
8 dvda

All I'm going to say is that anybody trying to find DVDA on our site is going to be sorely disappointed with what they find.

9 elephant
10 elephant sketch
11 sketch of elephant ride

Wheee! Remember when we went on that elephant ride? Did anybody sketch it? Oh, I hope so! I hope so ever so much.

12 white castle burgers
13 bear vs gorilla
14 chris principe
15 elephant logo

I'd like to see the pitch meeting where a bunch of ad execs try to come up with a new logo for elephants. Actually, I probably wouldn't.

16 emeril
17 fashion sketch
18 goodness can and does exist

#18 is hands down my favorite one. In fact, its the exact opposite of my favorite from last month, "penis festival." I have to imagine that two guys were sitting around having an argument, which ended with one of them saying, "No, seriously, goodness can AND does exist. I'll do a google search and prove it to you." And then they saw our website.

19 gorilla vs. lion
20 jumpsuits

I already used up all of my jumpsuit commentary on pajamas.

So stay tuned to ElephantLarry.com, your source for Lindsay Lohan Hot Pajamas, and the latest news on white castle burgers vs. gorilla! Until next time, goodness can and does exist! George Washington everybody!

zipcodes!

I love this, I love this, I love this!

It's like a game, even though it's definitely not! Kinda like Google Maps!

Via Curbed.

Peelander Z

So you might not have heard of Peelander-Z, but I was recently reminded of them by a Peelander-Z-t-shirt-wearing-dude, and went back to their website and here we are now, entirely brought up to speed on the series of events that led us here.

Ahem.

So last summer, as some of you know, I went to Bonnaroo, the giant, eclectic (though largely hippie-ish) music festival down in Tennessee. Most people get there on Thursday evening, though the concerts officially start on Friday, just to get settled, beat the crowds (though this doesn't really work, since the majority of people get there on Thursday - me and Jerf arrived at 7 o'clock in the morning on Thursday) and just start the incessant partying. Because of this, the Bonnaroo organizers feature surprise, unbilled acts on Thursday evening to get people warmed up -- and one of those acts was Peelander-Z. I had no idea who they were, but I just wandered over to their tent and had a fucking BLAST. They're this Japanese three-piece band, now based in New York, that's comprised of a blue-outfitted drummer, a yellow-outfitted guitarist/singer and a be-goggled, be-caped red-outfitted bassist. They are out of their goddamn minds, but the show was full of jokes, signs, sing–alongs and super-fun spazziness. They don't seem to speak very much English, but I think that's part of the charm.

You can see a video of their recent SXSW performance here.

Resurrecting Your Dead Babies

Something to know about Elephant Larry’s gloriously democratic sketch selection process: When a sketch gets 5 votes, it usually means everyone likes it and it’s immediately put into the show’s final setlist. The number of 4’s and 3’s that get in after that varies, depending on the amount of set time left to fill. It’s pretty rare for a sketch that only gets a 1 or 2 to be seriously considered at all.

And then there are the Zeros.

The Zeros are a special case, in that even the authors of the sketch have betrayed it, leaving it to rot at the bottom of the comedic dregs where it probably belongs.

Below is one such Zero. Its author, Christopher Principe, shall remain anonymous. Though looking it over now, this sketch would have definitely gone over gangbusters. Especially with the ladies. “Enjoy.”

Jed and Lee sit at a table. Innkeeper stands behind them.

Innkeeper: Two ales, comin’ right up.

Lee: And an extra one also, for our friend. He’s running late. (Innkeeper exits) I wonder where he is.

Jed: Probably died.

Lee: Now why would you say something like that?

Jed: I was kidding. (An Old Man has walked up to them) Hi.

Old Man: A mysterious evil has spread over the land. A poison has seeped so deep into the earth that even the village well is contaminated. If you do not help, I fear all life shall wilt and perish.

Lee: …thanks. (Old Man continues walking. Toth enters, sad)

Toth: Hey guys.

Lee: Toth! What happened?

Toth: I died.

Jed: See?

Lee: Shut up. Hey don’t worry about it, man.

Toth: I had to start all the way back at the…ya know.

Jed: The Fire Temple? (Toth shakes head) The Ice Cavern?

Toth: Yeah.

Lee: You gotta save more often.

Toth: Thanks, Mom. I’m thirsty. Innkeeper!

Jed: No not him—!

Old Man: A mysterious evil has spread over the land. A poison has seeped so deep into the earth that even the village well is contaminated. If you do not help, I fear all life shall wilt and perish.

Lee: Thank you. (Old Man exits)

Jed: How’d you die?

Toth: In the Fire Temple. (winces)

Lee: You gotta use Ice Spells.

Toth: What? (winces)

Lee: On the fire monsters.

Jed: Makes sense.

Toth: Why is everything so confusing?

Jed: Toth, what level?

Lee: Jed.

Jed: What level are you, Toth?

Toth: What level are you, Jed?

Jed: 37.

Toth (ashamed): 25.

Jed: You gotta go out into the woods and fight some animals.

Toth: Maybe I’m not cut out for this whole adventure fighting thing. Some days I just wanna settle down and open up a Weapon shop...or an Armor shop...or an Item shop.

Innkeeper: Three ales. That’ll be nine gold pieces.

Lee: I got it.

Toth: Thanks. Those Fire-dicks stole my gold pieces when I died. (winces) Ow. And I think they poisoned me. (winces) Ow. I’m pathetic.

Lee: Here, have this antidote. (Hands it to him, “ding” sound)

Toth: Thanks. I’m better now.

Jed: You just need more experience. How many points ‘til you level up?

Toth: I don’t know. 5,460?

Lee: Hey. Kill five Blizzard Dogs and you’re all set.

Toth: But I hate getting experience. It’s so boring.

Jed: Whaddya have ADD? (They stare at him) What?

Toth: Lee, you’re a thief. Can’t I just steal someone experience?

Lee: Nah, I don’t think so—

Jed: Hey. Remember that first monster we had so many problems with in the beginning?

Toth: Yeah, sure, the Cave Troll.

Jed: Well I went back, right? Equipped my new SoulCrusher Blade. And I fought him.

Toth: Again? We killed him.

Lee: Don’t worry about it. What happened?

Jed: (pause) I got 9999.

Toth: Woah. Maximum damage.

Jed: Experience works, man. That, and you need a good weapon, like a Dwarf Axe or—

Toth: Ohhh! Maybe there’s something in that treasure chest. (runs and opens. Monster “jumps out” of chest)

Monster: RAR!!!

Toth & Jed: Ahhh! Skeleton Soldier!

Lee: I thought this was neutral territory!

Jed: Yeah, well that is definitely battle music. FUCK. Come on. (They face opposite the monster to battle.)

Monster attacks Toth.

Jed attacks Monster.

Lee attacks Monster.

Toth attacks Monster.

Monster attacks Toth, Toth dies.

Jed: Oh come on.

Jed attacks Monster, Monster dies, Victory music.

Jed: What the hell was that all about? (Lee: I don’t know) And what, did Toth die already?

Innkeeper: Thank you, heroes. Please take these magic stones as a reward—

Jed: Yeah, great, thanks. Cure him, will ya?

Lee: (“magic” hands at Toth) LIFE.

Toth: …what happened?

Jed: Great, let’s get outta here.

Innkeeper: Would you like to rest here? It will cost you 50 gold pieces.

Toth: Sure.

Lee: No, we’re already at full health—(Lights out. Melodic sound cue. Lights up)

Toth: That felt nice.

Lee: Where are we going?

Jed: To find that poisoned well, climb down it, slay the monster that’s probably poisoning the water, and then come back here so when we talk to that old man again he’ll say something different and maybe give us swords.

Toth: ‘k.

Jed: Fine.

Toth: Can we search the inn for hidden items first?

Lee & Jed: Yes. (They all do)

Innkeeper: Hey! HEY! Stop stealing my shit, heroes!

DORK STATUS CONFIRMED

Top 20 Monty Python Sketches

According to Entertainment Weekly, that is.

There are a lot of ludicrous lists out there. Here's all ya need to know about this one: no Cheese Shop.

Three Unrelated Things That Are Kinda Related

#1: Ten Year Old Boy Wins the 30th Annual National Rotten Sneaker Contest

Apparently, kids from across the nation gather every year to see who has the most horrificly disgusting footwear in the country. A panel of judges ranks the sneakers for their soles, heals, toes, laces and odor. It was the stench that earned Noah Nielsen the top prize: a $500 Savings Bond, $100 for new sneakers, and a whole box of Odor Eaters. To quote the champion:

"The stank was from rubbing my toes back and forth and making them sweaty.”

The panel of judges included a city official, a black Labrador retriever, and an odor expert from NASA. This brings us to Related Unrelated Thing #2:

#2: NASA has ODOR EXPERTS?

The answer is yes, and here's an interview with one of them.

Talk about a crazy job. Basically, he just sits around and smells things that are cooked in 120 degree heat for a few days and makes sure they’re “okay” to go up into space. After talking about how astronauts wear diapers, he describes how he became a NASA sniffer:

“I started with NASA in the fire department when I was 18. I was young and healthy and they asked me to be on their Odor Panel. I've now done 744 "smell missions," over 100 more than anyone else.”

Which brings us to Related Unrelated Thing #3:

#3: NASA also has a FIRE DEPARTMENT?!!

I’m assuming this isn’t like, you know, the boring type of fire department that goes around saving people’s lives. This is the NASA Fire Department where you walk into an office and ask, “Excuse me, is this the HR Department?” and they say “No, I’m sorry, this is the Fire Department” and you don’t say anything back because you suddenly wished you played with space-fire all day.

But alas, despite more half-ass research, I couldn’t find any more information about it, nor the other awesome NASA departments that simply must must must exist (Ice Department, Wind Department, etc…). So if anyone knows anything about this, please throw it in the comments below, ‘cause I’m honestly really curious. In the mean time, you can try and get awesome NASA jobs here.

And now, to complete whatever crappy circle this may have been, here’s a blurry picture of a guy whose sneaker is on fire:

Blink

This really shouldn't be as funny as it is. Its just screen captures of famous people blinking. But somehow, its so simple, it makes me consistently laugh.

Celebrity Blink Blog


Also on the subject of blink, Malcolm Gladwell's book of the same title has apparantly entered the popular lexicon, which is frankly, pretty stupid.

Gladwell is a good writer of pop-psych, and in terms of marketing, The Tipping Point is pretty much a revelation. Well written, insightful, and it really does change the way you look at things.

Blink, not so much. Its a well written book, and an engaging read, but I don't think it A) draws any conclusions, or B) talks about anything that hasn't been talked about ad naseum. Its subject matter is also all over the place, just like this blog post.

Anyway, point is, I have no problem with people reading the book. I like Gladwell's writing a lot. I DO have a problem with people feeling obligated to use the term "blink" the same way they do with the term "tipping point."

So cut it out, MOM*.


*50 blog points to the first non-Elephant Larry member who correctly posts where that line is from.

Happy Spy Wednesday!

Or sad Spy Wednesday, if you're Christian.

You see, Spy Wednesday is the day that Judas betrayed Jesus. And if you're Christian, you like Jesus a whole lot and wouldn't want to see him betrayed even a little bit, much less betrayed to the point of dying torturously by crucifixion. Therefore you would be sad. There. Aren't you glad I explained what sadness is?

In any event, Spy Wednesday is easily the coolest sounding day in the Christian calendar. Here is what seems to be an artist's depiction of Spy Wednesday. I'll bet Judas is that guy in green, giving the guy in purple the thumbs up!

World's Most Beautiful Floorline

Emporis, a company which keeps a database of building related data, has released a list of the world's most beautiful skylines:

http://www.emporis.com/en/bu/sk/st/sr/

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant world's most visible floors. They actually take every building viewable in a city's skyline, then multiply it by the number of floors each building has.

New York is number two though, so take that, Mandaluyong!


Via Chicagoist.

Spots and Monocles

Apparently, those little sketches scattered throughout The New Yorker are called "spots." If that delightful little nugget got you curious, you can read more here.

Also, there's another delightlnug from last month's issue. It's about the magazine's hallowed dandy mascot, Eustace Tilley.

I wonder who would win in a bloodbath deathmatch: Eustace Tilley or Mr. Peanut. I'd throw Uncle Pennybags in there, but I think he died awhile ago.

Just a reminder...

On this very special occasion that our own Jeff Solomon sent out an e-mail announcing our new show, I thought I'd repost the information here. Also, if you DIDN'T get the e-mail, please let us know so we can sign you up for our list (info@elephantlarry.com).

Time to start reserving tickets, bi-hatches.

---

Elephans, there’s really no other way to say this: it’s time for BOOM!!!

*************************
Elephant Larry presents...

BOOM

EL’s 8th all-new show!!

April 9, 16, 23, 30; May 7, 14, 21, 28
Saturdays at 9:00 PM

@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)

Tickets: $8 ~ Call 212-563-7488 for Reservations

Watch the BOOM teaser at www.elephantlarry.com

Stay tuned to FOX for an exclusive trailer during “The O.C.” (Psyche!)
*************************

That’s right, friends. Elephant Larry is about to take the Big Apple by storm with 8 performances of a brand new shizow. We’re doing a whole crop of never-before-seen sketches, and we’re gearing up to make this show bigger, better, and BOOMer than any show ever in the history of staged theater. Oh, and did I mention BOOM?? BOOM!!!

The PIT is a cozy little comedy den, which means seats will be scarce, so please be a boombastic elephan and reserve yourself some advance tix. Oh, and did I mention the Onion is sponsoring the show? BOOM.

Also, BOOM. However, BOOMBOOM. Therefore, BOOOOOM!

See you very soon with a lotta lotta BOOM,

Jeff Solomon
Elephant Larry
Gigantic Frickin’ Fireworks Dept.

Kentucky and the Yankees

Interesting tidbit!

The Kentucky Wildcats have won the NCAA men's basketball title 7 times. The last 6 times they've won it (1949, 1951, 1958, 1978, 1996, 1998), the New York Yankees have won the World Series that same year.

Why is this statistically meaningless? Because since 1948, the Yankees have won the World Series 15 times, meaning they have won more often WITHOUT the Wildcats winning than with them winning. But it also means that every time the Wildcats win, the Yankees win.

So, since correlation equals causation, let's go Wildcats!

Relevant Because It Involves Pirates

Growling Man with Sword Robs Store; Suspect Arrested

NEW IBERIA -- Police arrested an Abbeville man Saturday who is suspected of having walked into a convenience store growling with a sword clenched between his teeth to rob the place of a can of tobacco and a bottle of whiskey.

Brandon Doucet, 28, 306 N. St. Charles St., Abbeville, was arrested by Broussard police and charged with armed robbery, hit and run, two counts of reckless operation, aggravated flight from an officer and no driver's license.

Iberia Parish Sheriff Sid Hebert said his deputies responded Saturday to a report that a man had come into the Food N Fun convenience store at about 7:50 pm with a white sword between his teeth, and growling at the clerk behind the counter.

That man, believed to be Doucet, walked behind the counter, grabbed a can of tobacco and a bottle of whiskey -- while continuing to growl -- and left without a word.

"He was like a pirate. If he had been wearing a patch and a hat on his head and a parrot, the clerk would have thought he was a pirate," Hebert said.

Ha. I think that last quote is pretty much true of everybody, though.

Full ARRRRRRRRticle here.

Thanks, Fark.

Home, Sweet Home

Now that we’re all back and “rested” from DC, I wanted to take a moment to thank Blaire, Ben, Dave and all the other folks who helped to organize the first ever DC Comedy Festival. We had a great time! Further thanks to Colin for hooking us up with our sweet crash pad, and of course, Marni and Mary for all the teching and governessing. Hoorays all around.

If you’re into performing comedy, one of the best parts about participating in these festivals is that you get to see about five-hundred different acts over the course of a single weekend. Unfortunately, because much of the fest was spread out over three venues across the city, and we had two performances of our own to worry about, we only got to catch a few others. In addition to seeing our MEAT sisters and Royal We buddies, we saw: Bassprov from Chicago (featuring Mark Sutton & Joe Bill, who actually taught us a master class back in 2000, I think. They do this form that’s basically two guys sitting, fishing, drinking beer, and talking. Though the premise sounds a tad boring, I promise you, it’s really great), Chairs (a long-form improvisational troupe also out of Chicago, featuring some old IGPers we performed with back in the skits-o-days), a whole bunch of teams from the Washington Improv Theater (featuring Whistling Shrimp alum, Colin Murchie, who already got his god damn thank you), and our hilarious Los Angeles friends, TROOP!, with whom we conquered the Smithsonian.

Also, we went to the Planetarium, got turned away from the Spy Museum, and then on Saturday night, a car exploded outside the bar! And let me tell you, there’s nothing better than a crowd full of drunken comedians crowding around a burning automobile at three in the morning.

Pictures soon! We promise! Maybe!

In the mean time:

20X6!

As I am an unabashed Mega Man fan, I have been playing this all morning.

What a(n?) homage.

The Office

Hoorays! The Times interviews Ricky Gervais today! You should read it!

Why? Because the new Americanized Office premieres this Thursday at 9:30 on NBC!

And if you're interested, the BBC has a great site devoted to the original series! Hoorays!

Via Curbed.

Lipid

I would say out of all members of Elephant Larry, I write the highest quantity of worthless crap. But I'm a good soldier. Even if I think something is bad, I still read it in the hopes that my talented group-mates give some good suggestions that can resuscitate it into something workable.

And then there's this. I could try to apologize for it all I want and explain my reasoning for each and every line, and all the damn exclamation points. But what's the point? Let me just preface with an overall apology.


To the tune of Devo's "Whip It"

Fats and oils!
Made of glycerol!
And fatty acids!
Polyunsaturated!

Dehydration synthesis
Makes a lipid!
Emulsifying it
Destroys a lipid!
When the cream sits out just quit,
Cream's a lipid!

A lipid!
Has a shape!
Three-pronged!
Tastes great!
Eat more!
Not less!
Try to detect it
It's not too late
They're lipids!
Lipids good!

Cholesterol is not so bad
It's a lipid!
Fat is the latest fad
Cuz it's a lipid!
Unhealthy food is rad
They're full of lipids!

I say lipid!
Lipid's good!

It's Like I'm In Egypt

I had a weird night.

After getting back from DC, I took it easy. Grabbed some dinner with my SO, Jenn, watched an episode of Mr. Show and prompty conked out at 8pm. I then woke up at 1am, feeling almost completely refreshed. "Nonsense!" I thought. "I need more sleep! I'll grab something to eat and then go back to bed." No dice.

After three attempts to fall asleep, three more episodes of Mr. Show, those same episodes in commentary track, an entire Beck album and the remaining time on the internet, here I am at 8:20 am, awake for 7+ hours. Except for me, it feels like 3:20 in the afternoon. I won't lie. It feels very creepy.

Not to mention the oh-so-important EL meeting we have tonight where we will be staging the sketches for "BOOM" for the first time, one of the most exhausting meetings we can have. It will almost definitely go until 11pm (or 6am Geoff Standard Time). Should be interesting! Yahoo!

The Complete Calvin & Hobbes

Remember when Chris freaked out about The Complete Far Side? It looks like Calvin & Hobbes is getting the same treatment.

Composed of three hardcover, four-color volumes in a sturdy slipcase, this edition will include all Calvin and Hobbes cartoons that ever appeared in syndication. This is the treasure that all Calvin and Hobbes fans will seek.

I own almost all of the Clavin & Hobbes collections, and I will still buy this. Probably the most consistently funny, heartfelt, beautifully illustrated comic strip in history. Awesome.

Now available for pre-order and drooling from Amazon.

Wanna Be in a Elephant Larry Short Film?

Sigh. Holding down the New York fort all by myself this weekend while the boys are down in DC, passing bills or something.

In any case, I will be doing some EL related stuff this weekend. If you're around on Saturday after 1pm or so, and want to be in a short film, look for me and my camera around the Union Square area.

I need exactly 128 people to each come on camera, say one word, and that's it. So if you have 30 seconds to spare, gimme a call tomorrow to find out where I am!

I'm so lonely.

Saturday Morning Update! I may need to work until 5pm or so today... So never mind!

Cory Nealy's Sad Little Life

I know Geoff has already given much love to the Flaming Box of Stuff Blog, but I wanted to throw even more love it's way.

Cory Nealy, who is just one of the hilarious dudes (and lady) in the group, is about four posts through his "Top 10 Worst Times I've Ever Had in Vegas" countdown. I was actually going to post about this yesterday, just because his story was so sad. But today was even more hilarious, and even worse. My reaction after each of these is, "Wow, that's funny." Followed by, "Jesus, he's less than halfway through his countdown."

I've posted links in order, so you can read 'em the right way:

#10: Bret Fetzer: Warrior!
#9: Peking Cory
#8: On a "Wing" and a prayer
#7: A Lap to Cry Upon
#6: The Essence of Paris

I hope Cory doesn't mind me calling his life "sad."

Project Bleeblatt

We have this running joke...

Wait, I want to point out something first. Pretty much every running joke we have is not at all funny. In fact, its not at all funny on purpose. If it WAS funny, it wouldn't be a running joke, it would be a sketch, and then we'd stop joking about it.

How do we come up with a running joke? Somebody will usually make an actual joke. Then, someone else will mishear it. Then we'll all repeat it, for the course of a meeting. Then someone will continue to push the joke until it becomes part of our lexicon.

What I'm about to explain is one of those far removed, unexplainable running jokes that are not funny when you try to explain them.

We have this running joke, where someone has a dumb idea that sounds vaguely like a movie or TV Show, that we'll Bleeblatt it. Bleeblatting is the step before greenlighting a project. Meaning, we’ve heard the idea, and now we’ll think about maybe listening to that idea again, and then maybe greenlighting it.

I want to stress that Bleeblatting at no point indicates an actual sketch idea, or anything we are even considering putting on stage. In fact, the opposite. It’s usually just when we’re chatting at the beginning of a meeting. For example:

Stefan: Hey, I read this awesome article about bats…
Alex: We should write a sketch about bats.
Stefan: No, wait, it was about fruit bats…
Geoff: I’ll write a sketch.
Alex: I’ll bleeblatt that.
Stefan: Can someone let me finish?

Again, I want to emphasize that no-one will ever be writing a sketch about bats.

In any case, this post was actually supposed to be about Project Greenlight, but now it’s too long. Maybe later, then?

New War of the World's Teaser

Gah! Why won't they show us aliens!

That being said, this movie continues to look amazing visually, but that's sort of a given with Spielberg. It's the story part he's kind of been lagging on in recent years.

Also, does anyone else think he's cribbed some visual stuff from the new Dawn of the Dead?

Click here to watch aliens destroy Staten Island!


Update! One of my favorite movie sites, CHUD, pulled the exact same still from Quicktime I did. Which weirded me out. However, they also posted the new Batman Begins poster today. Yippee!

EL@DCCF

Before I forget my duties as "official gig poster," Elephant Larry will be in DC this weekend! Except me! Who will be at work Saturday and Sunday morning at 8:00am!

Sigh.

---

Elephant Larry @ DC Comedy Fest
Two Nights Only!

Night One:
March 17 @ 10:30pm
Warehouse Mainstage Highlights Show
1021 7th Street, NW

Tickets: $20 [Includes three other shows]
Buy a "Thursday Highlights Pass"
***********************************
Night Two:
March 19 @ 9:00pm
Flashpoint Mainstage
MEAD THEATRE LAB
916 G Street, NW

Tickets: $15 [Includes any Saturday Night Show]
Buy a "Saturday Open Pass"

Click Here for More Info on Tickets, Venues, Etc.

St. Patrick Eats Babies!

Actually, he doesn't.

I was trying to do some research and find the most horrible thing St. Patrick had done, so I could properly ruin everyone's St. Patrick's Day. But it turns out, St. Patrick was a great guy.

Who knew you had to lead an exemplary life to be named a Saint?

Here's some stuff I did find out about St. Patrick, though:

- When he was 16, St. Patrick was captured and enslaved by Druids, which is how he ended up in Ireland. As a result, he is one of the first people in recorded history to advocate the abolition of slavery.

- Although he is believed to have banished snakes from Ireland, it turns out there probably never were any snakes in Ireland. St. Patrick just got rid of the serpent, a powerful symbol of the druids. He was probably pissed at them over that whole kidnap/enslavement thing.

- March 17, St. Patrick's Day, is actually what is believed to be his Death Day (not his birthday, as I thought). So in essence, St. Patrick's Day is a yearly Wake.

- The three largest St. Patrick's Day parades in the world are held in Dublin, Birmingham, and New York (which is the largest). Also, the first American St. Patrick's Day was held in Boston, but the first official celebration was in NYC at the "Crown and Thistle Tavern" in 1756.

- And finally, gays and lesbians are not allowed to march in the New York St. Patrick's Day Parade. In fact, this policy has been protested by Ireland, which has some of the most liberal gay laws in the world. But in defense of the New York parade, it is in direct accordance with St. Patrick's strong beliefs in oppression and exclusion of all peoples. Oh wait, he didn't have those.

And now, a link to a sexy naked leprechaun.

Birth of a Joke

A Special Thing, which is mainly a Mr. Show, Tenacious D, etc. fan message board has a great series called "Birth of a Joke." The series takes one comedian, and follows their joke, or routine, from its inception to eventual performance on stage.

Anywho, if you check out the Chris Hardwick (former host of Singled Out, now in a great comedy band called "Hard & Phirm") Birth of a Joke, you might recognize a familiar t-shirt:

Click Here to Watch the Video:


...and if you're interested in more, non-Elephant Larry t-shirt wearing videos, check out this thread.

Fresh From the Newswire...

LONDON (Reuters) - After setting cinema box office records around the world, "The Lord of the Rings" is to take to the stage as a musical, the producers announced to Reuters on Tuesday.

Full article here.

I don't really even know what to say. Part of what makes LOTR work for me is that all the characters are so gravely serious about questing and fighting and honor and friendship that there's absolutely no room for any type of self-awareness. So if you're gonna be adding in musical numbers with choreography and such, I don't know...It might just put it a little too over the top to work.

On a side note, did you know that Viggo's got song-writing credit for that great song he sang at the (first) end of Return of the King? Oh come on, you remember it. When he turns around and just starts awkwardly singing out of nowhere? Well, apparently he wrote that. And it's called Aragorn's Coronation. Congratulations! You know that now!

Via Fark.

Oh yes.

Giant Spider Forest Destruction Machine:


World's First Flying Car:


Welcome to the future, bitch.

Via GadgetryBlog & Defensetech.

DC, Here We Come!

Though Elephant Larry will be performing on both Thursday and Saturday nights, we're gonna have all day Friday to explore this stupid city. So......

......what should we do?! Suggestions, anyone?

Onion Princess

I find that more and more often, I turn directly to the Onion AV Club, rather than the paper itself. Not that the main part of The Onion is bad, just the AV Club is pretty the best arts coverage available today.

Anyway, this made me cackle, from their review of "Ice Princess::

"The plot wants to tap directly into the daydreams and parental conflicts of pre-teen girls. If it does well, look for sequels like Pony Princess, Wearing Make-Up To 6th Grade Princess, and Marrying Adam Brody Princess."

I also really enjoyed this, but for very different reasons.

Perhaps Some Kind Of Cowboy Theme?

So the McSweeney's crew are at it again, this time hitting LA with some hardcore literacy.

However, some cursory research by yours truly has revealed that they don't have a fake store yet. By fake store, I am referring to the Pirate Supply Store in San Francisco and the Superhero Supply Store in Brooklyn. Right now all they have is the program to help children read and write. Boring! Lemme know when they have a fun store.

Like a Ninja Store!

Or a Dinosaur Store!

Or a Store Store! Like a supply Store for Stores where you buy Store materials to make your own Store!

These are just off the top of my head.

On Caneblades and Economic Theory

While walking to work this morning, I was thinking about the old man who used his caneblade to stab a rowdy homeless man about a month or so ago in my neighborhood. And it got me wonderin'.

This guy probably put a good deal of thought, time and money into his caneblade investment. Enough so, where it was probably frustrating him just a little bit that he hadn't gotten a chance to use it yet.

So part of his motive in stabbing the homeless guy-- deep in the back of his subconscious or something -- part of his mind must've been telling him, "Hey even though you probably don't have to use your caneblade right now, you might as well. That way, at least you'll justify having bought it."

I guess what I'm saying is this: owning something like a caneblade is sort of like having a monthly gym memership, or an unlimited monthly Metrocard. By putting your time and money into it upfront, you trap yourself into feeling obligated to take that extra ride downtown or work out more than you actually want to, just to get your money's worth. So for a moment, on the walk to work today, I guess I kinda sorta understood where that old man mighta been coming from.

Is there an economic/psychological term for that "getting your money's worth" feeling?

Does anyone wanna buy some caneblades and stab hobos with me?

BOOM Postcard

Look for it at your local deli or comedy theater!

Family Guy Live!

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know how much I like The Family Guy. So you can imagine how excited I am to hear that "Family Guy Live!" is coming to Town Hall:

This is a link for tickets to this event I'm talking about.

The tickets are $65. Sixty five dollars. To see a live performance of the Family Guy. Boy oh boy.

Here's some articles about it:

'Family Guy' live show planned - Basic description of what you would see if you bought tickets to this show and also went to see it.

Lucky Canadians See "Family Guy" Live - Lucky AND Canadian? That's repetitive!

This is sure to be an event!

Vote at Joe's

Here's a link for ya:

Vote Joe Garden


Joe is a senior writer for the Onion, and now he wants to host Late Night after Conan leaves. So go to his site or something.

In related news, I once watched Joe get the most horrific haircut I've ever seen. Seriously, there was a patch on the back of his head missing, and a huge long strand just hanging over his ear. Horrible.

Thanks to Jesse for the link.

SimEverything

GameSpy has an incredible article about a demo game Will Wright (creator of the Sims) used as an example of where he thinks gameplay should be going:

Will Wright Presents Spore... and a New Way to Think About Games

Its yet another example of the "we need to make games more of a respected medium," and it definitely seems like an amalgamation of other games (he even recognizes that). But, the process which he used to put it together, and the end result are kind of stunning. I hope, in some form, this actually becomes a playable game, because it sounds great.

Ridiculous Gadget Update!

Haven't done one of these in a while. Did I say a while? I meant a week.

For those of us too lazy to lick our own ice cream, the motorized ice cream cone:

I have an unfortunate picture in my head of someone discovering their obese neighbor, dead of a heart attack on their bed, the lights off, the only sound the whirring of a motorized ice cream in their stiff, dead hand.

---

...and for those of us too lazy to push our own skateboard, the Powerboard 2:

The website states, "This could be the biggest craze of 2005!" Yes, it could!

But it won't be.

---

Not exactly a gadget, but Kozmo.com is back, albeit in a new form:



Oh no! I already spent all my Beanz!

---

And finally, the cutest thing I've seen all day (and I've been covered in fluffy puppies since 9 this morning!):



Pig Speakers for your PC? Awwww...

Via Gizmodo, EnGadget, GadgetryBlog, and Akihabra News.

Guess Who

This is embarassing.

I've started seeing this poster for the new Ashton Kutcher/Bernie Mac movie "Guess Who" all over the place recently. I'd paste the entire picture in this post, but I'm still bad at that. I'm good at making links though!

Anyway, my other embarassing admission is that I kind of like this poster. It's not a "Whoa-That's-Awesome!" poster, but there are two things about it that I think are quite well-done.

1) The tagline "Some in-laws are made to be broken". That's just a solid pun right there. I don't even think it's a groaner. It's more of a smooth, under-the-radar kinda pun. I like it.

2) The couch gag completely works. If it's a real scene in the movie I might like it less, but it's a good personal space joke that I assume typifies the Ashton Kutcher/Bernie Mac relationship in what is clearly a "I don't approve of you dating/marrying my daughter, kinda like in 'Meet the Parents'" movie. Until Bernie Mac learns to accept that his daughter is a grown woman who can make her own decisions, but probably still isn't a very major character in the movie. Sigh.

I'm still probably not going to see this movie.

Bats All, Folks

I'm sorry for the title. Although, in my defense, I am trying to get a job writing for the Daily News.

Anywho, I rag on Metro a lot, but only because it's the crappiest paper I've ever seen. But, for today only, I do have to give credit where it's due. While AM New York (which I greatly prefer) ran a cover story today titled "You're Buried!" about Trump's plans to sink the West Side Highway, Metro ran probably one of the greatest pictures I've ever seen.

During a Minesotta Twins game yesterday, designated hitter Michael Restovich shattered his bat while hitting a single. The shattered bat then flew into the crowd, and one photgrapher was able to get this ridiculously awesome picture:



Couple of things I want to point out:

1) The bat is completely level. There has to be some sort of spin on that, and it's shocking that no one was impaled.

2) Notice how everyone is recoiling in horror, but not actually covering their faces. In fact, most are lifting up their hands, so those might be damaged as well.

3) My favorite guy is the one in the upper left, who is screaming, and has chewing gum sitting on his tongue.

In case you're interested, nobody got hurt.

Thank You, Benevolent Master!

Hey guess what. This is my new favorite web site/service:

www.maps.google.com

I wanted to type some exclamations points after that, but that might've confused the url.

Google's map service is quick, neat, and awesome. But the best feature by far has gotta be the SUPERSCROLL-a-DRAGGABILITY! For instance, I was just checking out the Washington, DC vicinity for our upcoming gig this Thursday, and BAM. I cursor-dragged myself all the way down to Miami. Just 'cause I felt like it. And then, another time, while dragging around NYC, it informed me that I live DUE South of Grand Central Terminal. Silly Manhattanized North! No human has told me anything nearly as interesting as that in months. The direction service is pretty cool too, with these great little direction pop up windows that are both helpful and strangely adorable.

I really love Google. And yeah, yeah, I know it's got major evil empire potential and the monopolizing of information is bad, but hey. Chill out and admit it: All these convenient services are totally worth any and all the brutal-techno-slavery to befall us.

Intro to Comedy Writing Class

Hello Blog,

I'm going to be teaching an Intro to Sketch class starting next month, and I thought you all should know about it. I've taught this class around the country at this point, and it seems to go very well... If you want to start writing sketch, or just need a refresher in the basics, I think you'll have a lot of fun, and laugh a lot. And also cry. Almost constantly.

Also, if you have a friend who's been afraid to write, or always wanted to try her/his hand at it, this is a great course to take... It really demands no prior experience, and, I think, is a lot of fun.

Sincerely,
Alexander "official description below" Zalben
****************************
Intro to Comedy Writing

This is an intro level sketch class, pure and simple, geared towards the student who has never written before, or even a writer who wants a refresher in the basics. Working off the idea that anyone can start writing sketch comedy, you'll learn the formulas that will let you start writing sketch NOW. You will not need to have pre-existing work to take this class... It will involve practical assignments in individual and team writing. By the end of class, you'll not only have a truckload of sketches, you'll also be prepared to strike out and write great sketch on your own.

April 17 to May 22 (6 weeks)
Sundays, 3-6 pm
Location: The PIT Gallery
Prerequisite: None
$300
Call 212 563 7488 or email The PIT to register.

http://thepit-nyc.com/classes.html

More durned license plate posts

Well, I saw a pretty great license plate today, if I do say so myself. It was a stand-out plate for 2 reasons:

1. It was very hilarious.

It read "GRRRRRRH."

2. Did you just count the number of letters in that plate?

8! We're in a new phase of 8-letter plates! The 7-letter plates were confusing enough for me; it's all over now.

At least I can finally get that JSOLOMON plate I've never wanted.

Hmmmph.

Wait a sec - for custom plates, were you always allowed to use 8 letters? I vaguely remember seeing a plate that read "PENGUINS" one time... Well, this plate still begs the question, "Why 6 R's?" That guy must have been furious. Perhaps he was about to choose his custom plate and he stubbed his toe? Or maybe his wife left him? Or maybe he shot his wife in the toe?

Was this post about anything at all? I seem to have forgotten.

Mr. Black and the Gray Lady

The New York Times Magazine profiles Lewis Black this week. I had no idea he had such a rich background in theatre and playwriting. It's a good article; there's something really bittersweet about it.

You can read it here.

I Didn't Want To Talk To You, Anyway

Metro has one of those ridiculous articles again this morning where people are complaining that iPods are destroying our way of life. Why? Simple. Because people listen to music on the subways instead of interacting.

Really? You all liked talking to each other pre-2001 (when iPods were first released)? On the subways? In New York? Where was I? Is this too many questions in a row? Yes it is?

To be fair, the article is based on one from the Sunday Times of London (which I can't find online). And, I guess its possible that pre-iPod, Londoners were chatting it up having a grand old time on the way to work, drinking tea and wearing their Beefeater hats.

But to blame the lack of communication between New York residents on an iPod is ludicrous. NOBODY talks on the subways. We've always avoided eye contact with each other. It just so happens that we prefer iContact.

OH! MAN! THAT WAS TOTALLY CLEVER! Yeah. I rock. iContact. Awesome.

Point is, the problem isn't the iPod, its the general feel of New York, that promotes bristling and anger on the way to work in the morning. THAT'S what we should be targeting, not a device that honestly works the same as a CD Player, walkman, book, or horrible smell.

Today's Metro, scroll to page 7.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE!

Juwanna Man will be playing on Comedy Central in about 15 minutes. I can only hope I alerted all of you in time.

Somebody Order This Now

Seriously.

A Game For You

Here's a fun game to play today:

If you go to a deli, try to order something that's slightly off from what they have, but still relatively possible. For example:

Guy Behind Counter: What can I get for ya, boss?

You: Yeah, lemme have a cheddar madness bagel with orange cream cheese.

They probably won't understand it, so repeat it again. Then they'll probably say "We don't have that." In which case, say something like:

You: Okay, can I get cranberry cream cheese then?

Point is, don't order something like a foot long octopus on pie-bread. It needs to be something anchored in reality, so it just seems like maybe you read their menu wrong. Then see how long you can keep this going for.

Best story of someone who actually did this gets a shiny new pony. I mean, penny.

Hey Lovers! Friends!

I'm supposed to let you know that Ersher, Jon and Luda had to do it again.

Apparently this song was around about two months ago, but I only heard it yesterday. Sorry it took me so long to tell you!

Interesting tidbit: Out of all the "Lil's", such as Lil' Kim, Lil' Romeo and Lil' Troy(?), Lil Jon is the only Lil without an apostrophe after his Lil, according to mtv.com. Wow!

The Force Is Boring Within You, Luke

I'd probably have to hand in my geek card if I didn't post about this... Its the new Star Wars Trailer! Hooray?

Get it here if you're a Hypersapce Member for some reason

Or there's a bunch of links here

Its muddled, seems to span thirty years all at once, and yet my nipples totally got erect while I was watching it. Why is that?

Trimspa, Baby

So I was on the subway this morning, reading ads on one of the mixed-ads cars, and was directly underneath the new Trimspa ad, the one where they have about a dozen before and after shots of people. And, as always with dietary supplement ads, I try to find the caveats, the "results not typical" section. And there it was, in fine print:

"Average weight loss achieved after 8 weeks using X32 with a reduced calorie diet and exercise was between .6 to .8 pounds per week based on the interim results of an ongoing clinical study."

Jesus. Not even a full pound a week. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but doesn't it sound like Trimspa has almost NOTHING to do with people losing barely a pound from exercising and eating less? Crazy. Maybe Anna Nicole Smith was on Trimspa for a year and a half before she started endorsing the product...