Hey readers of the Elephant Larry Blog! On Friday July 15th, come celebrate my many years of existence on this Earth by going back to the farm -- the Sexy Farm to be exact! There will be haybales and lots of beer and hoeing down, in no particular order. You're all invited, and bring whomever you please.
As an extra special bonus, Brooklyn jugband The Jug Addicts will be playing two sets in my backyard -- arrive at 9 to catch all the frenzied jugdancing that will surely ensue!
Optional of course, but please do your best to look like you belong on the farm. Girls, I'm talkin' pigtails and daisydukes. Dudes - hick it up! Bust out those wifebeaters! No pressure though -- just come and have a drunken good time in my newly entirely air-conditioned apartment. Yeeeeeeehaw!
To get to my place: Take the F train to 4th Avenue or the R to 9th Street in Brooklyn. Then just walk 2 blocks to 7th St. - my apartment's between 4th & 5th Avenues: 321 7th St. Easy!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Sexxxy Farm Party! For Stefan's Birthday!
BOOM ALL SUMMER!
In my long standing tradition of re-printing Jeff's e-mails on this blog, here ya go.
Argh, Mateys! Why am I speaking like a buffoon/pirate? Scroll down and find out!
But first, the official announcement: BOOM has been extended through the summer! But watch out: we're gonna start cycling new material into the show (eventually creating a new beast entirely... MOOB, perhaps?) Which means you may wanna come check us out again sometime soon if you've BOOMed in the past.
Here are your dates! Start yer ticket-buying engines!
*******************
Elephant Larry presents
BOOM
July 9, 16, 23
August 6, 13, 27
Saturdays at 8:00 PM
@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)
Tickets: $8
Get 'em online: BrownPaperTickets.com
Get 'em o'er the phone: (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488
*******************
Arrgh! Planks! Booty! Wenches! Rum!
If you couldn't understand the above message, then you are not a pirate. But we here at EL can fix that for you. Join us at Galapagos on July 3rd for The Pirate Show! Stefan and MEAT's Biz Ellis will be reading from their in-progress adventure novel "Marooned on Skull Island," and there will be seaworthy performances from Elephant Larry*, MEAT, Fearsome, Madame Funnypants, Andres DuBouchet, and jeepers creepers the list keeps going on. Or shiver me timbers, I should say.
*******************
The Pirate Show
Sunday, July 3rd - 8 PM
$5 gets you in
@ Galapagos
70 North 6th Street
between Kent and Wythe in Williamsburg!
718 782-5188 for theater questions
www.galapagosartspace.org
*******************
See you at BOOM!!
Plank plank booty booty,
Jeff Solomon
Elephant Larry
Email Deparrrggghtment
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Sex Ed
Here's some stuff I learned about sex recently:
Sexual Term:
Having Sex On The Down Low
Where I Learned It:
Law & Order, SVU
What It Means:
Being gay is not acceptable in African-American society. So what gay men sometimes do is go have sex with other gay men, but don't actually think that they're gay. Then they go home and have sex with their wives. At least, that's how Ice-T described it.
Reaction:
Sure, fine. I've heard the term before in other contexts, but now I finally know how to explain what I've been doing all this time.
Sexual Term:
Shrimping
Where I Learned It:
AM New York
What It Means:
Sucking on someone's toes for hours and hours. This is something Ben Affleck likes to do, and current girlfriend/spawnholder Jennifer Garner won't let him do. J Lo loved it, though.
Reaction:
Certainly some people can find toes gross. I'm fine with them. The term "shrimping" is disgusting, though, because I can't stop picturing someone with shrimp for toes.
Anyway, that's it. I feel like I should have a third term, but honestly, I don't. Sorry.
BloodThumb?
Yesterday I had a catch with my dear friend John McGoey. It was on this odd little terrace thing on 60th street and Columbus Ave. While a beautiful spot, there were many opportunities for two guys masculinely throwing a baseball as hard as they could at each other to lose the ball, break a window or inadvertently brain each other. To wit!
At one point, Mr. McGoey threw me a groundball, because I like pretending I'm Derek Jeter. I ran as hard as I could, ranging far to my left and lunged, the ball just out of my reach. What was NOT out of my reach was a giant cement base for a flagpole. At the angle I was approaching this block, all I could see was the very corner, pointing directly at my eye or, less dramatically, my head in general. In order to avoid dying, I threw myself backward, slipping on the grass, losing my balance and smashing my hand into the corner of the block instead.
Now, it doesn't sound like I drew as much blood as Jeff. I KNOW I didn't draw as much blood as Stefan. And I understand that if I hadn't blocked my progress, I could've gained the elusive title of BloodBrain. But do I get to be known as BloodThumb? I await your approval, BloodBodypartBoard of NYS.
Kids Spied Upon, Game is Now Over
Yesterday I read a news story with the headline:
Teen Boy Attacked by Shark
...and immediately thought:
Teen Girl Attacked by Lava
...which was pretty funny, until I realized that in real life, an actual teen boy was attacked by an actual shark, and that they wouldn't find it funny, because his entire family is probably weeping at this very moment. So I stopped finding it funny.
The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lavagirl in 3D is currently playing in theaters everywhere.
Dumb Comedy, Suits, Etc...
Missed this yesterday:
Guys Perpetually in Suits and Perpetually Silly? O.K.
It's interesting to see all the reactions to this first episode, particularly all the varied classifications it's been receiving (dumb, smart, non-sequitor, silly, sophisticated, etc...).
I actually like the show a lot, don't think it's "dumb" at all, and I'm pretty curious to see what happens.
Onions, New York, Etc…
Missed this in March of 2003:
Crop Profile: Onions in New York
It's interesting to see all the reactions to this specific crop of onions, particularly all the varied diseases and infestations it's been encountering (onion maggots, onion thrips, bulb mites, cut worms, Botrytis Leaf Blight, smut, etc…).
I actually like New York onions a lot, don't think they’re "pungent yellow globes" at all, and I'm pretty curious to see more effective controls for bulb mites and bacterial diseases.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Get This
Bloodmouth Strikes Again
There are moments when I follow a dumb idea to its logical conclusion and it ends up being kinda fun -- that time I had people sign my entire body for Slope Day '99 at Cornell, for example. No harm done, except for some sharpie-stained sheets later. Or like when I bought over 40 battledroids for a buck each utilizing a Toys-R-Us.com loophole.
Then there are other moments when I follow a dumb idea down the fucking rabbithole and what began as something amusing ends up being completely and utterly retarded. Yesterday, at our meeting, I experienced one of those moments.
Chris has recently taken to bringing in "presents" for Elephant Larry - and by presents, I mean shitty Viacom videotapes that are being given away for free at Comedy Central. Last meeting, he brought us all the Shania Twain episode of Behind The Music, which I think most of us threw away (with the possible exception of Jeff - he'll watch anything). So we were not hopeful yesterday when he asked to close our eyes and receive our gifts.
True to form, our "present" was a video of VH-1 Divas Live 99, which features "Nine Divas," "One Stage," and apparently "The Greatest Diva Concert Ever." We of course begin making fun of it, as is our wont, and I get the bright idea to just completely and utterly destroy the tape. So I start smashing it over my knee.
This is amusing, I think. I keep smashing it, because now I've committed to the idea of breaking it, and I'm not going to satisfied until I've well and truly destroyed it. It takes a bunch more smashing, but I eventually split the package open and break the entire video tape over my knee. I now have two halves of a videotape. What's next? What's the next logical step? Why, eating the tape of course. So I go to (mostly) pretend to chew on the video, at which point a horrible piece of flat metal goes into my mouth and shears off a piece of my gum that's right above my front teeth.
And I start bleeding profusely from my mouth. I look like Edward Norton in Fight Club after he beats himself up in his boss' office. It's disgusting. So I put some piece of wadded up napkin in my mouth and proceed to bleed the rest of the meeting. It eventually stops, but I feel pretty dumb. I mean, really. Chewing on a videotape? Most people know that chewing on a bunch of broken plastic and metal would be a dumb idea. At least I'm one of the few who knows WHY it's a dumb idea. Live and learn, baby.
And then I was called Bloodmouth the rest of the meeting. 
House Gymnastics
My friend Amy sent this along last week, and I've been meaning to share it with y'all, as it's pretty cool:
www.housegymnastics.com
Amy likes it for the cute boys. I like it for the Sofa Torpedo.
You Are On The Global Frequency
Oh, internet. Thou art a purveyor of crap.
Fan created outrage took another giant step forward last week when the never-aired pilot episode of "Global Frequency" leaked onto Bittorrent. Important points:
1. "Global Frequency" is the TV adaptation of Warren Ellis' beloved comic book. It revolves around a secret global network of 1000 experts who will help save the world at the drop of a hat.
2. The TV Pilot was created for the WB, but did not get picked up as a series.
3. Someone has leaked a test tape of the pilot episode online, which has led fans in the tens of thousands to petition the WB, the writers, the producers, etc, to get the thing on the air.
Here's the problem: it's pretty bad.
Most of the time, when you have fan outroar, it seems to serve something that is deserving of praise, but underserved by audience. This is not the case here.
I understand that Warren Ellis & his graphic novels have a lot of fans (I count myself as one of them), but the pilot episode is just poorly made.
The sets all look like backlots, the acting is uniformly poor, and the script is cliched, at best.
Which is unfortunate, because it's a nice concept, and some of the effects aren't too bad.
Here's the biggest problem, though, and one that would hamper it being a successful series. The basic idea is that you have a global organization run by two people (Miranda Zero, the mysterious head of the organization, and Aleph, the punky computer brat) in an undisclosed location. So who are your main protagonists? Two people based in San Francisco.
Huh? What's GLOBAL about that. Nothing. Anyway.
Basically, my point is, there's nothing wrong in supporting stuff, but don't instantly assume that because the corporate suits didn't want it, and it's based on some sort of comic book/science fiction/cult thing, that it's good.
Monday, June 27, 2005
This Post Contains One Belabored Dime-A-Dozen Joke
Yesterday afternoon, while walking down one of Penn Station’s many cramped stairways, I heard a familiar girl-voice to my left.
“Man, but that guy was such a creep!” she was saying to a friend.
I turned to look and there she was: The West Wing’s youngest and most beloved presidential daughter, Ms. Zoey Bartlet, herself.
Now I realize this isn’t all that special. In New York, one Celebrity Sighting sells for approximately 0.8333 of a penny.
But what was funny about this particular celebrisighting is this: upon seeing the young woman whose name I now know to be Ms. Elisabeth Moss, I immediately stopped in the middle of the stairwell and desperately looked all around for the team of Secret Service Agents I knew would be following her.
There weren’t any.
I realize now that the dramatic fourth season cliffhanger finale involving Zoey’s being kidnapped and possibly killed by terrorists also didn’t help much. For a moment, I believed I had actually found poor Zoey safe and alive, and would surely be honored and thanked by the entire White House staff, and possibly President Bartlet himself.
Oh, how we dance between fantasy and reality.
For the record, in the past couple of months I’ve also seen her, him, him, her, him, and this guy.
And, in case you were wondering, that’s worth exactly five cents.
Cool Or Lame?
So I watched SNL this weekend and it was a repeat of the 2nd-to-last episode this season, where Will Ferrell hosted with musical guest Queens of the Stone Age. QoSA unsurprisingly started with "Little Sister," the first single off their new album.
About a third of the way into the song, Will Ferrell, dressed in full Blue Oyster Cult cowbell-character "Gene" regalia, starts banging away at his cowbell and undulating much like he did in the 2000 sketch.
Now the cowbell does indeed play a prominent role in the song itself. And at the end, Josh Homme the lead singer and guitarist for QoSA preened a little bit with Will Ferrell, making it seem like the whole thing was at his request.
Cool or lame?
The Posting Comes Fast And Furious On A Monday Morning!
I haven't laughed this hard at a McSweeney's list in a long time.
I would contend that there is nothing better than dead-on meta-humor.
...And That's How I Was Murdered.
Hey, here's a creepy way to start your day:
1) Get into the elevator in your building.
2) Make sure you're alone.
3) The elevator should jerk to a stop between two floors, making it seem like you're stuck.
4) After about five minutes, let the elevator slowly climb up to a floor you've already passed.
5) After the elevator door slowly opens, quickly exit the elevator so you don't get stuck.
6) Start to hear some sort of weird chirping noise on the floor you've exited on.
7) Over the course of five minutes waiting for the elevator, let the chirping get louder and louder, until the only sounds you can hear are what must be several hundred birds.
8) Run.
Anyway, good luck! It's always nice to wake up into a horror movie.
Chipmunk Grin
Mildly depressing story in this Sunday's Times about the ever underappreciated Dave Foley.
The Jeoffs and I saw the Kids a few years back when they played up in Toronto. It was a huge theater and our noses were bleeding, but it was still great. The main thing I remember, actually, is how even from hundreds of feet away, Dave would just walk onto the stage and stand there, and it would be hilarious. I don't even know exactly why or how, but his presence and timing were probably the most perfect and natural I've ever seen.
Guess that's why I disagree with the whole "hope-is-lost-for-this-fallen-star" vibe of this article. He's just too funny.
I mean, come on. It doesn't even mention his upcoming cameo.
Clown Dancing!(?)
Elephantlarry.blogspot.com. Your one-stop Krump spot.
The idea of clowns break-dancing almost scared me. Then I saw the videos and realized it was all OK. I'm still not sold on its need for its own word, but hey. Words are fun!
Muchos thankios to Caitlin Steitzer for the straight-up clownin'.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Happy Gay Pride Day!
Hooray! Happy Gay Pride Day!
Actually, I'm not sure if it's Gay Pride Day, specifically, but the parade is definitely today.
Anybody check it out?
Friday, June 24, 2005
More Ice Cream Wackiness!
Here's another story about ice cream sandwiches:
One hot summer day, my brother and I were trying to find some way to amuse ourselves while stuck inside the house. Eventually, we decided on having an eating contest with any food that was in the fridge at the time.
This almost immediately changed into a "who can eat the grosser thing" contest, with myself eating a spoonful of curry, and then my brother eating a bowl of mayonnaise, and then dying.
Just kidding!
But we did get tired of that, and then noticed that there was an entire box of Klondike ice cream sandwiches, which are the best kind. I can't find a picture of them, but point is they are thick, and they are square, and they come four to a box. Those are the points.
In the interest of collaboration, we decided to see how many bites it would take us to finish one. The first bar took five bites, passed back and forth. The second bar, only four, working at the corners. The third bar we managed to do three bites, but it was tough.
Last bar in the box, we kind of looked at each other, as if to say, "We can't really finish this in two bites, can we?" And then we said that out loud, and decided we could.
It was my turn, so I shoved as much of the ice cream sandwich in my mouth as possible, and said to my brother (through ice cream sandwich): "I can't fit anymore in my--"
At which point, he shoved the rest of the sandwich in my mouth.
Seriously. All of it, so much so that part of the sandwich went down my throat, and I couldn't even close my mouth. Also, I was sort of laughing, but in the way that you laugh when you aren't breathing air so much as sucking ice cream into your lungs.
I also couldn't actually get it out of my mouth. I guess I could have if I used my fingers, but it was literally stuck in there.
Anyway, I did finish it after about five minutes, and then my brother ate a tiny little corner that was still left.
And that's how my brother and I ate a box of ice cream sandwiches!
Recapitulation!
ECNY recap over at The Apiary!
Featuring:
1) one talking Alex
2) one drunken Geoff
3) one laughing Mary-head
Yum
After a year or so of living together, my roommates and I have become pretty good about divvying up who buys what necessary provisions. It’s never been explicitly stated or anything; it’s just sort of understood.
I’m happy to say that my major grocerial responsibilities include:
Cereal
Paper Towels
Toilet Paper
Ice Cream Sandwiches
Laundry Detergent
And then I blend ‘em all together to make fabulous snack-shakes!
Nah, I’m just kidding.
Actually, the reason I bring it up: The other night, we were all sitting around chewing on paper towels when we made an amusing discovery regarding the generic ice cream sandwich box, that looks like this:
I like this photo because it suggests the following: Some guy unwraps his ice cream sandwiches, takes one very big bite out of one of those ice cream sandwiches, places it back down on his ice cream sandwich pile, and then, presumably leaves to go and do something else.
That big ol’ bite also gives the photo a certain hey-this-is-what-you’re-supposed-to-do-to-these-ice-cream-sandwiches-stupid kinda quality.
This is also slightly funny, 'cause I honestly wouldn't know what else to do with a delicious, unwrapped ice cream sandwich. Maybe rub it against something?
When you think about it, there are strange (and essentially unappetizing) marketing choices like these that surround us every day. And beyond that, we’ve somehow learned to unflinchingly accept them.
I guess, at the very least, it’s comforting to remember that we still have a few tricks up our anti-insanity sleeves.
Dick Move
So last night, I was leaving the ECNYs and went to go hail a cab that was right outside the theater. The driver pulls down his window and I say "I'm going to Park Slope, Brooklyn." He kinda shakes his head a little (and I curse myself inside for mentioning where I'm going before getting into the cab proper) but I ask again, and he says "Hold on, let me pull over."
And then he just DRIVES OFF.
WE WON AN ECNY!!!
OMIGOD. I'm still in total shock you guys, because Elephant Larry won the Emerging Comics of New York Award for BEST FLYER!
EEEEEEEEEE!!!!
There's so many people who put their heads together, and made this award happen. Geoff, Chris, myself, Jeff... Lot's of people. Mary, Monica, Marni... I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Oh yeah, The PIT, The Onion, and of course, our parents.
Yes, the Haggertys, the Principes, the Zalbens, and the Solomons.
All of these people led to the point we reached tonight: Our flyer finally emerged.
....
In all seriousness, congrats to Stefan for making a kick-ass flyer for BOOM, and winning the ECNY Award for Best Flyer. Also for being ridiculously extreme in accepting it on stage. If anyone has a picture of that, e-mail me, and I'll post it.
Because it was great.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
"BLOODFOOT"
or: my day at the doctor's!
So, among the many reasons I haven't been blogging lately (among them, a job hunt, an apartment hunt, and working very hard on this), I've been feeling a bit sick these days. It started about 2.5 weeks ago with a bad sore throat. Then my ears started hurting, then my throat took over again. I started to worry, because my awesome life requires that I sing and shout a lot. So I made myself a doctor's appointment for this morning.
And at a doctor's office only two blocks from my residence, no less! So I took off on my ninety-second walk, wearing my new flip flops (this kind, not this kind). And since I don't really know how to walk (especially in flip flops), I took a nice cross-section of my big toe about one minute into my walk, using the sidewalk as my scalpel. I didn't notice how bad it was until I was filling out some forms in the doctor's office about two minutes later. Turns out my foot was soaking in blood! "Good thing I'm already at a doctor's office!" thought I. I chuckled to myself and voiced this revelation aloud to the disgusted people in the waiting room who were sitting nearby.
The strangest thing about this ever-twisting medical tale is that this was the second time in three days that I managed to coax large amounts of blood from my right foot! Just this Tuesday, I was cooking in my ladyfriend's kitchen, when a wineglass broke in the dishwasher. Glass shrapnel flew all over the kitchen, and though we managed to clean up the mess in a manner of minutes, a few stray shards remained hidden in the floor cracks. And as I was chopping up a nice watermelon, a narrow 3/4" piece of glass found a new home in the sole of my foot. My first-ever puncture wound! I bled all over the floor, and wondered when I had last received a tetanus shot.
"When was your last tetanus shot?" asked the disgusted medical assistant, staring at my red foot. "I can't remember," I replied. "It's been a while... Though, I'm actually here because I have a sore throat." The medical assistant stared at me and blinked. I added, "I guess I should get this checked out, too." She nodded and gave me a tuft of gauze. I sat down and made an attempt to elevate my foot above heart level, unaware that there was still one twist left in the tale of Bloodfoot.
Dr. Fitzpatrick, or "Fitz," as some of the other patients called him, came to see me about 15 minutes later. I told him about my throat and toe. Fitz told me that maybe I shouldn't walk in sandals if I don't know how to walk in sandals. It hurt a little to hear this, but I knew inside that Fitz was probably right, being a doctor. Fitz asked me about tetanus. I said I didn't know. He ordered me a shot.
As the probably-Irish doctor went to work on cleaning my bloody, bloody foot with a big brown bottle of peroxide, I mentioned the puncture wound. And here's that last twist. He turned my foot around to examine the sole and took a look. And then he said, "Oh, you mean this?" and pointed at a third and previously undiscovered gash on my foot! Which was currently bleeding! I looked at him wide-eyed and replied, "Um, no. The puncture wound is here," pointing at a smaller red dot on the other end of my foot. "I actually... have... no idea what that is." Fitz looked at me and shook his big head. Then he looked in my throat and told me I had strep.
Moral: If you make three large cuts on the same foot in one week and you can't remember your last tetanus shot, you probably have strep throat.
The End!
Holy holy.
I can't remember if this has been posted up here or not, so if it's already on here, sorry. Here it is again.
My entire being is glowing with delight. I am going to see this movie at least twice, even if the trailer is misguiding and the movie sucks. I am going to see this movie at least four times.
Oh, and hi! Sorry I haven't been here in weeks. More about this in the next post!
Sweeps Week!
You know what I realized this morning, blog? Well, I'll tell you. I realized that this week, apparently, is Sweeps Week.
In case you're not avidly familiar with television like I am, Sweeps Week (or weeks, rather), is the period of time when the networks gather information about their various shows in order to impress advertisers. This determines which show is most popular, which network is "winning" the ratings race, and more importantly, who can charge the most for most for advertising.
When putting together a television show, writers know to plan for these weeks (which generally happen in November, February, and May). That's why they save all their big events for Sweeps, in order to pump up viewership for their show.
However, what I'm talking about here is not sweeps for any television network. I'm talking about Sweeps for our lives. Well, my life, and the characters I interact with. I'm not saying I'm the star of this show, I'm just more familiar with the sweeps events in my particular soap opera. Which I'm probably a supporting character in.
Things that have happened during the past two weeks in this particular soap opera:
- Surprising relationship revelations!
- Characters leaving town forever!
- Tantalizing new job offers!
- That baby is finally being born!
- A marriage proposal!
- Somebody is gonna die!
Whatever happens, this is all laying an excellent groundwork for next season.
Sincerely,
Alex "I think my life is fiction" Zalben
Infocapsulations
Oh man, I love The Onion. Even this week's url.
Laugh. Out. Loud.
Also, Denis Leary in the A.V. Club, but man oh man. God bless.
No Nudity. No Violence. Unspeakable Obscenity.
Good tagline, right?
The Times on the upcoming release of The Aristocrats.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Eminently Quotable
The best movie quotes of all time, because the American Film Institute said so. I like the ones that end in periods rather than exclamation points, just because they seem way more lame that way. Like #85.
This is odd, cuz Chris and I were just talking about movie quotes. I used to be a mad quoter in high school, less for movies and more for TV shows like Simpsons and MST3K. By the time I got to college I guess I started thinking it was beneath me. I mean, why say something someone else said/wrote, when I can just make every word that comes out of my mouth amazing and original? Because I'm a pompous asshole, that's why.
I think the moral of this story is quote movies all the time, non-stop. In fact, try not to use any words that aren't part of a movie quote. You talkin' to me? Houston, we have a problem. I ain't afraid of no ghosts!
For Stefan
www.bancomicsans.com
I've always wondered if Comic Sans would be slightly less hated if its name were changed to Bake Sale.
Good Game
Well this is one of the craziest games I've ever watched.
The Yankees might as well have just taken the first seven innings off. Sure, they woulda been down 11-0. But when you score 13 runs in one inning, 11 doesn't seem like so much.
I love Bernie Williams.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
To Those Dudes Who Shout At Me All The Time:
Yesterday marked the fourth occasion in the past two months that a random guy from around the city has shouted "Elephant Larry! WOOO!" at me, and then walked away quickly.
A) Thank you, it's very flattering.
B) I'd be happy to chat with you if you'd stop running away after shouting at me. My name is Alex, random dudes, and I want to be your friend!
C) Other people: this is not an attempt to show you how awesome and popular I am. But, if that's a side-effect? Fantastic.
Batman Begins
Not to put too fine a point on it, but "Batman Begins" was really, really good. Go see it.
Rating: Not Fneh.
Love, Handshakes, Sombreros
Backstage BOOM a month or so ago.
Doesn't it look like Alex is falling in love in that first picture?
Wrong Number
Me: Hello?
Them: (really perky) Well hey there!
Me: (confused, trying to match perkiness) Hi!
Them: How are you doing!
Me: Good! Who is this?
Them: This is Victoria Simpson!
Me: OK! Do you have the right number?
Them: Is this (not my name)?
Me: No!
Them: Let me see if I have the number right...are you 917-(rest of the number is nothing even remotely like my number)
Me: That's not even close!
Them: (much less perky) Alright, maybe I should...mumblegrumble
Me: Goodbye!
Monday, June 20, 2005
"THE LORD ALREADY KNOWS ALL THE PUNCH LINES"
There's an interesting, capslockolicious interview with Larry the Cable Guy over on Dead Frog. Get her done.
Watch Out, Brad Pitt
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about Time, with a capital T, and its inevitable passing. More specifically: the way in which people are remembered by those who survive them. It’s really fascinating, our taxonomical need to distill a person’s life into a single sentence. How even if an identity proves strong enough to endure, it’s to be undoubtedly eclipsed by one solitary task or idea, if that. And it makes sense, as our encyclopedias can only be so thick.
My first real job out of college was at CBS, working as a Production Assistant for an A&E Biography of Jack Ruby. For my fellow young ignoramuses, Mr. Ruby left his mark on history by fatally shooting Lee Harvey Oswald on national television, and since then has been incorporated into uncountable conspiracy theories surrounding the whole JFK assassination.
BOOM. That’s Jack Ruby. And BOOM, that’s what he’s remembered for.
It was a cool gig, making the documentary. Reading previous biographies, collecting hundreds of old photographs, and interviewing Jack Ruby experts, as well as his friends and family. Essentially, we were the ones doing the distilling.
But it’s one of the smaller details that I came across that I’ll never forget. It was in a book called Case Closed—one of the more influential documents in our producing the documentary—and the detail was literally a footnote in a chapter concerning Ruby’s personal life.
Apparently, Ruby’s love life was pretty strange. He had few girlfriends and lived alone, save for the company of his pet dogs, whom he adored.
Which is where the footnote came in.
Neighbors reported that Ruby’s relationship with his dogs was pretty strange. He would constantly refer to his daschund, Sheba, as his “wife.” And on top of that, there’s evidence that he’d made a habit of sexually pleasuring his dogs, sometimes in front of others.
So yeah. I flagged that passage after reading it. I’m also pretty sure I highlighted, starred, and underlined it too.
As far as I’m concerned, if you have that sort of “relationship” with your pets, it’s a preeeetty big window into your lifestyle and personality. And if I were to produce a biography about you? In the name of honesty and truth, I’d probably have to go ahead and include it. And when someone asked me about you far in the future? I’m pretty sure that would probably be the first salient fact I’d immediately want to share.
Jack’s suspected dog-fetish never made it into the final documentary. I’d lament the betrayal of Truth and all that, but honestly, it probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
You see, Jack Ruby’s one of the lucky ones. His life involved something so momentous, that it could even overshadow canine-masturbation.
Who knows? Maybe that even played some sort of role in his shooting of Oswald. If I got caught pleasuring my dog, I can’t say I wouldn’t go ahead and shoot Brad Pitt or something. At least that way, there's a good chance History would distill my future identity down into “that strange guy who shot Brad Pitt,” instead of “that strange guy who masturbated his dogs.”
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
I Heart Batman
It just occurred to me, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but Batman is the superhero people think it's okay to like.
Liking Batman means that you're morally complex, but still have a sense of humor. Meaning, you appreciate the fact that Batman has a dark past and psychologically complexity, but also think it's kind of goofy to run around in lycra.
This is as opposed to liking Superman, which means you've never grown up. Or liking Spider-Man, which means you like something that everyone else likes. Liking any other superhero means you're a huge dork.
Here's a newsflash, though: Batman is totally ridiculous and inaccesible as an icon. He's a millionaire playboy who never sleeps, battles crime, and is totally, totally insane. So deal with that, nerds, and enjoy your movie this weekend.
BOOM Begins
Eh, not really. More like sort of ends. Kind of. We'll explain later.
But for now, it's our last show in June for BOOM, so check it out, dawgs:
Elephant Larry presents
BOOM
June 18
Saturday at 8:00 PM
@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)
Tickets: $8
Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1049
Get 'em o'er the phone (NEW #): (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488
Stella Means "Star" In Latin
This is a couple of weeks old now, but The Phat Phree has an enjoyable interview with the Stella guys.
Also! If you're a listener and not a looker, Jesse from The Sound of Young America interviewed them on his radio show earlier this month. Click here and scroll down to "June 4th" to download.
Enjoy your weekend, y'all.
Let's be Honest...
...Crab Cakes is a weird concept.
I mean, why crabs? And why cakes?
Why not LobsterBurgers? Everybody likes both of those things better...
In case you can't tell, this has been bothering me.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
A Yellow Sea Sponge Has Never Tasted This Good!
I’ve always been fascinated by our desire, as human beings, to eat our favorite cartoon characters.
Don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. From Flinstones Vitamins, to Teddy Grahams and Animal Crackers, to nearly every fun-filled fruit snack imaginable—our brains are somehow programmed to want to devour them.
I suppose there’s a quietly poetic aspect to it: I love these imaginary characters so much, I want to ingest, digest, and incorporate them into my self and my being.
It also probably has something to do with our ability to participate in a working, nonviolent society. Each bite into an Animal Cracker’s head must release some small knot of murderous tension deep within the subconscious, and that’s probably what keeps us from pushing old ladies into buses.
But all that aside, there’s also something really goddamn freaky and sinister about it. And I can’t say I fully realized it until this weekend, when Bryan from TROOP! forced me to confront the horror head-on.
Here’s what he purchased:
That’s a SpongeBob SquarePants Bar, and as the website claims: You've got to try these fruit punch and cotton candy-flavored ice bars with gumball eyes!
Bryan did!
Let’s get a closer look of that, shall we?
GAH. WOW.
Okay. And now for the most terrible thing ever...
!!!!!!?!!
Never before have I been so absolutely sure that something is totally and completely WRONG. Now, I’m not blaming Bryan. It’s the horrible popsicle ice cream people's fault.
This product is horrifying. Horrifying, Horrifying, Horrifying. It’s like watching your favorite cartoon characters get all melted and mutated (G.I. Joe The Movie, anyone?). And as the children cry and cry, who are they told to blame for their suffering? Why, themselves of course. For was it not their own natural, ridiculous desire to eat their imaginary heroes that brought it about in the first place?
Shame, shame, shame on the makers of the SpongeBob SquarePants Bar. I can’t imagine how many children have already been permanently scarred by this. And I weep for them.
The Funny Finals Tonight!
That's right folks, we're going up against Cubicle tonight in the Finals of The Funny Comedy Competition. Every audience member gets to vote, and every audience member counts, so come on out and support your favorite sketch comedy group*!
EL @ THE FUNNY COMEDY COMPETITION
Thursday, June 16 - 8:00 PM
National Comedy Theatre
347 W. 36th Street
btwn. 8th and 9th Aves.
Tickets: $10
Buy online:
http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/111056
More info:
http://www.thefunnynyc.com/
*Possibly Cubicle.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life
I want to heap a ridiculous amount of praise on the little cartoon book to the right. "Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life" is the first volume of a proposed six volume series by Canadian author/illustrator Bryan Lee O'Malley, and it's great.
Rather than describe the series myself, I'll let Scott Pilgrim tell you about it:
"My name is Scott Pilgrim and I am Awesome!Initially, I was put off by the manga style, but it turns out to be totally appropriate, and completely endearing. Scott is a great everyman type character, the jokes are laugh out loud funny, and the situations are over-the-top while still seeming totally normal.
I am the Hero of a Book! A Series of books, in fact. I'm 23 years old, I'm in a band (we're not very good though), I'm "between jobs", and I've been having girl troubles lately! See, I have this unfortunate tendency to get into fights. Not like the kind where you yell and scream and throw dishes or whatever. More like Street Fighter, I guess.
But hey! I'm pretty easygoing. I keep busy, and my friends keep me in check. I figure my life isn't really that interesting. It's just a couple little battles with my new girlfriend's Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends. And maybe some other people are starting to get in on the action too. So what? Doesn't this stuff happen to everyone?"
I've seriously never read anything like this book. I liked it so much, I actually read it twice in a row last night.
Anyway, lucky you, after many delays, the second volume ("Scott Pilgrim vs. The World") has just been released. I haven't cracked it yet, but do yourself a favor, and pick up both volumes today.
Amazon has both volumes for $19. And go to ScottPilgrim.com for more info.
Woohaw(s)!
The AV Club has two great interviews today: One with Billy “voice of Fry on Futurama” West, and another with the creators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Billy on what made Futurama so special: "It had more layers than an onion. These writers meant business. There was a level for everybody. Your major could be celestial mechanics, and there'd be celestial-mechanics jokes."
Dear God, I hope Futurama comes back in some form.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
World's Fattest Cat Saves Babies From Burning Building
I have to admit, I'm a sucker for this sort of flash movie.
AN EPISODE OF STAR TREK TEDIOUSLY WRITTEN FOR AN AUDIENCE ENTIRELY COMPOSED OF REMOTE AMAZON TRIBESMEN
Beyond the fact that the amount of detail about the Yanomami is hilarious and impressive, I love that this sketch totally derails itself in the second line.
You So Crazy
I really love those moments when I somehow convince myself that I’ve gone totally insane.
They usually last for only a second or two, just before the mental machinery kicks back in and boring rationality returns. Unique mixtures of panic and excitement, where reality’s abandoned and the absurd and impossible seem the only viable option.
Last week while subwaying it up to work, I was sitting and reading just opposite one of the train doors. We’d just pulled into the 42nd street station and as the doors opened I heard this strange trickling pitter-patter of a sound. And as I glanced up, there it was: just outside the train, right on the platform, a major torrential downpour.
I looked around to see if anyone else noticed. But New York being New York, no one else seemed phased at all, and I looked back to confirm.
Rain?
…yes.
Underground?
…yes.
Conclusion?
…it rains underground now.
Turns out, it doesn’t. As the trained moved away, I could see the cracked water pipe scattering its rain of lies all across the platform, and everything became just as lame and boring as it was only a moment before. But for those few seconds? Man oh man, I was totally convinced. I'd even started to calculate how subterranean rainfall would affect the MTA.
For me, the best moments of self-perceived insanity involve superpowers (of course). Like when you go to pick something up that you’re expecting to be really heavy, but it actually turns out to be quite light. It’s in that moment, while lifting it upward much too, much too easily, when it suddenly occurs to you: you might probably be the strongest human alive. Somehow, you finally (FINALLY!) succeeded in unlocking the superpowers you’ve been so quietly and patiently expecting your entire boring life. Everyone will finally respect you and appreciate you and love you as you should be loved. Right after you put that box of feathers and doilies back up on that shelf where it belongs.
Monday, June 13, 2005
The Queens Side Stadium
So now that the West Side Stadium is dead, Mayor Bloomberg is "scrambling" to make a new plan, which would be using a new Met Stadium as the centerpiece for the 2012 Olympic Games.
I put the word scrambling in sarcastic, sarcastic quotes because this has probably been the back-up plan from the very start, and honestly what I thought was going to happen all along. The West Side Stadium would have been chic and glamorous and an absolute logistical nightmare. I'll bet the Mayor knew this and knew he had Queens in his back pocket, not wanting to show his hand until the West Side was officially blown out of the water.
Flushing is much less sexy, but it's got something going for it that the West Side just ain't got. Seclusion. If you want an arena, you want 50,000+ people in one spot, and if you want 50,000 people in one spot, you really don't want too many people already there. The West Side Highway has enough traffic, thanks. (I say this as if I drive on it ever)
It kinda seems to me that the ones getting screwed a bit are the Mets. The city was prepared to pay a good chunk of the cost of a West Side Stadium. Now the Mets have to pay it ALL. Basically the only thing the Mets get is permission to build a new stadium, which they probably would have gotten anyway...except now they're gonna have to play the 2012 season somewhere else. Like back at Shea. Or maybe Yankee Stadium. Heh. That'd be funny.
I'm Back!
Hey, don't worry everybody! I'm done producing SketchFest, and so I'm back on the blog with some more of my hilarious postings!
So what happened since I last posted? Let's see, what's in the news...
Hey, what's the deal with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, huh? They sure seem to be in love. Am I right?
But seriously, Anne Bancroft passed away.
Come on people, it's like five o'clock in the morning after SketchFest was over and the party had dispersed in here! Am I right?
Anyway, Look forward to a lot more of this.
7uyj6thj
Sketchfest NYC has come and gone and suddenly it’s Monday morning and I can barely keep my eyes open. Thanks so much to everyone who came out and to all the wonderful folks who gave so much time and energy to help organize it. Every show offered something unique and refreshing to the festival, and it was great to have so many hardworking, devoted, smart, and funny people in one place doing what they love.
I’m just gonna go ahead and rest my head on my keyboard now for five seconds and see what happens.
7uyj6thj
Hm. Guess I expected something more momentous than that. Skull must not be as big and heavy as I'd thought. Probably a good thing.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Reasons You Should See Every Show At SketchFest NYC Tonight Again, For A Third Consecutive Night
Well I was right about there being more awesome yesterday. There was awesome in spades at the UCB Theater and honestly there's no end in sight. Well, that's not true, tonight is kind of the end. So you should really soak up these last seven shows. Why? I'll tell you!
6PM Free Love Forum (Wisconsin) - I'm gonna put this right out there...I don't know much about these guys. What I DO know is that they knocked off the socks of the SketchFest NYC organizers, and that's hard to do if you know how firmly ensocked some of those folks can be. I also hear they do some neat things with video...
7PM Ten West (Los Angeles) - All I hear is praise. Two guys who do silent sketches in clown-style, or so I hear. I still have yet to see these guys and I'm sad about it. But now I'm happy, cuz I'll see them!
8PM The Animal Club (Chicago) - Elephriends from way back (2004...or is it 2003? 2003?). We got to see 'em at Caroline's last year and they're great...fun, funny, funatical, fun...tastic. Funtastic!
9PM Elephant Larry (NYC) - This is the perfect opportunity to go around the corner and get some McDonald's.
10PM MEAT (NYC) - MEAT is going to bring down the house again, because this is what MEAT does. Also, inside sources tell me half the sketches are shiny brand new. I like new things!
11PM TROOP! (Los Angeles) - Sketch comedy at it's finest. They write, act AND perform on another level. Do yourself a favor and see it.
MIDNIGHT Game Face (NYC) - If all the NYC groups have hometown advantage, then Game Face has home theater advantage, ensuring a raucous crowd. Not to be missed.
1AM Everyone In Every Sketch Group Cries, Saying How Much They'll Miss Each Other - This will go on through the night. Sketch comedians can be pretty blubbery.
Shout Out
Folks, Elephant Larry's Group Blog is nothing if not accomodating. Jordana Barnes from the Third Floor asked for a shout out and she shall receive.
JORDANA BARNES!!! GRAHHHHHHHH!!!
That is all.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Reasons You Should See Every Show At SketchFest NYC Tonight AGAIN
I gotta tell ya, folks. I watched every show last night. And it was AWESOME. It was 1am and I honestly wanted more. That's how great it was last night. How could there be more awesome tonight? I have no freaking idea, but there IS:
7PM Below the Belt (NYC) - This used to be a show, but now it's a sketch comedy group. What you ask? WHAT?! HUH?! Yeah, seriously. They would organize this variety show every week and have some sketches in the middle of the other acts. And they were funny. Oh they were funny.
8PM Triplette (Chicago) - All female comedy from Chicago. I've only seen them do one sketch, and it was one of the darkest I've ever seen. Which, if you know me, you know I love. And it was a song too! I also love singing!
9PM Flaming Box of Stuff (Seattle) - One of the greats. Their shows not only have themes but have STORIES. Everyone has a steady character which they switch in and out of should the need arise. This one is based in a blue-collar brewery and is supposed to be amazing. I can't freakin' wait.
10PM The Cupid Players (Chicago) - All songs. Remember how I said I love singing? I DO love singing. They also have one of the best characters I've ever seen, a kid played by Jill Valentine. I dunno if they're doing it tonight, but I'm currently in the process of hoping so.
11PM The 3rd Floor (Portland) - The 3rd Floor gave the best live comedy performance I've ever seen. I'll leave it at that.
MIDNIGHT The Royal We (NYC) - You want funny? You want political-mindedness? You want MORE SINGING!? You want the Royal We. Some of the smartest stuff out there, if you're into satire. And I know you freaking are.
So go to UCB for a quarter of a day again. You know you want to. Nay. HAVE to.
NightScrawls
Apparently while sleeping last night, I was struck with an idea so hilarious that I had to write it down. ‘Cause this morning I awoke to find a piece of paper lying next to me with the following words scrawled on it:
"He’s so crazy, he’ll take a bite of anything."
Comic gold, people. COMIC GOLD.
In the spirit of creative positivity, I’ve taken five minutes to compose a short sketch both incorporating and inspired by the hilarious phrase. Enjoy.
CRAZY BIG-TOOTHED JIM
by chris “hypnagogia!” principe
Dan and Mack and Big-Toothed Jim stand on stage. Dan is eating an apple.
Dan: Man oh man, this apple just won’t quit!
Mack: Tell me about it!
Dan: It’s a Macintosh.
Mack: Like the computer.
Dan: Now you’re talkin’.
Mack: And my name!
Dan: You're still talkin’.
Mack: Thanks!
Dan: But unlike the computer, this apple is delicious.
Mack: And so is my name.
Big-Toothed Jim: DELICIOUS! (Big-Toothed Jim takes a bite of Dan’s computer)
Dan & Mack: Oh no Big-Toothed Jim!
Mack: Unbelievable.
Dan: I’m so upset with you!
Mack: Relax. He’s so crazy he’ll take a bite of anything.
Big-Toothed Jim: DELICIOUS! (Big-Toothed Jim takes a bite of Mack's name)
Mack: Ah!Dan: How'd he do that?!
Mack: I dunno!
Dan: Ah! But back to my computer.
Mack: Okay.
Dan: Perhaps my Macintosh computer wouldn't have been bitten if I hadn't been carrying it around so accessibly.
Mack: I didn’t even know you were carrying it around!
Dan: I didn’t even know I was carrying it around!
Big-Toothed Jim: And SCENE!
Dan: What?
BLACKOUT
Thursday, June 09, 2005
How Do You Measure Ten Years Of Torture?
It was nearly midnight when I was making my way home from an Elephant Larry rehearsal that had run late. This was mid-March or so, and the nights were just getting comfortable enough to turn cold brisk walks into meandering strolls, so I was taking my time and enjoying a kick-ass slice of pizza.
The moon was really bright for some reason, and by the time I reached the southern edge of Tompkins Square it had begun snowing, which seemed strange given the new warmth of the night. I was brushing the snowflakes off my slice when I spotted an old Datsun from the 80’s. This was kinda exciting, because it was the same car my folks had while I was growing up and it's pretty rare to see one in the city. Looking further down the street, there were two old Volkswagen bugs right next to each other, and then a big long Oldsmobile right after that. I realized the entire wintry block was full of cars from the 70’s and 80’s, when companies still named them after tropical places and animals.
That’s when someone yelled “Cut!” and the snow stopped and the bright lights that were in fact not from the moon at all began shifting around a bar just down the corner on Avenue B and some dude in a headset jumped in front of me and asked if I could walk through the park instead.
I nodded and took another bite of my snowy pizza, which was not so much covered in snow as it was big chunks of styrofoam. Then I headed through the park and closer towards the set to gape and gawk with the other starstruck idiots.
Turns out they were filming the soon-to-be-in-theaters and based-on-the-popular-Broadway-musical, RENT.
Goddamn. Motherfucking. RENT.
The crew continued filming in my neighborhood for the next couple of weeks and I saw them everywhere. Every morning, there they were: filming some guy on a bike or some guy strolling through the park or walking into a fake subway station they’d just built that morning. Everywhere, all the time, RENT, RENT, RENT, RENT, RENT.
Which is precisely my major problem with the musical: I can’t escape it, I can’t escape it, I can’t escape it.
From the girl down the hall freshmen year who saw it on Broadway twenty-three times and would blast it from her room every waking moment, to the hours and hours of being forced to sing “Seasons of Love” in the high school chorus, to my distant cousin’s wife finding fame and fortune as the main female lead on the Broadway stage, to the little chunks of falling styrofoam all over my pizza.
Somehow RENT has become an inescapable theme of my life. And for the past ten years, I’ve felt this strange and constant pressure to just go and see it, even though I’ve never really wanted to.
That is (sigh), until today.
Click here to watch the RENT trailer.
I watched it earlier today. And I liked it.
Fuck.
Yup. In fact, I really liked it. A whole lot. And I think I even want to see it when it comes out now.
DoubleFuck.
I guess it makes sense. Familiarity breeds liking. And after years of the relentless RENT bullshit, I pretty much know the whole story and all of the songs. And on top of that, it’s both a New York movie and a romantic movie (two of my worst goddamn weaknesses). And then there are all the dramatic, well-lit, sweeping shots that when I watch them make me think, “Oh man, I wish I lived there!” and then I remember, “Oh wait, I ALREADY DO.”
Hooray.
Congratulations, RENT. You win. I lose. This is me bowing down, giving up, and promising to see your stupid movie. And you know what? I’ll probably enjoy it. So fuck you.
Reasons You Should See Every Show At SketchFest NYC Tonight
I know it's a lot. But honestly, you really should make every attempt to come down to UCB tonight starting at 7 and just hunker down. Here's a blow-by-blow account of why, even though I haven't seen every group that's performing...
7PM Hypnogogia (Seattle) - Sketch comedy based on one guy's dreams. That's pretty dang interesting and inventive if you ask ME.
8PM Becky & Noelle (NYC) - Unfortuantely, I've never gotten the chance to see these ladies perform together, but anything with Becky Poole from MEAT has got to be good. And I've met Noelle and she's very, very nice!
9PM Killing My Lobster (San Francisco) - This is the group that I hear the most about that I've never seen. Everyone I talk to swears by them, and everyone I talk to rules.
10PM Madame Funnypants (NYC) - Two words: Alexander Zalben.
11PM Fearsome (NYC) - You want group mind? These gals and guys are always pulling in the exact same direction and are onboard for anything. Never seen better teamwork in a sketch comedy group.
MIDNIGHT Whitest Kids You Know (NYC) - Fantastic group with some of the best video I've ever seen. Which is not to say that their stage stuff isn't fourth-wall shatteringly funny. It is.
And best reason of all? I'm gonna be there alllllll night. How can you argue with six hours of me? You can't, that's how.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
You're Going To Chew My Tongue?
Ripe from the Nerve op-ed pages, it's:
Don't Croon At Me, John Mayer
And though I can't say I totally agree with it, it's definitely worth the read.
Guns & Molls
So if you are friends with Elephant Larry's myspace.com account, you know that I am currently reading Elmore Leonard's latest novel "The Hot Kid," which is all about vigilante marshals and famous bank robbers and awesome, awesome tommy guns. It's my first Elmore Leonard novel and it's fantastic. It's so fantastic in fact, that it has forcibly forced me to hit up wikipedia and look up everything about the Public Enemy Era, better known as the early 1930's. Such as!
-upon learning that Bonnie & Clyde were ambushed and killed, John Dillinger said that they "gave bankrobbing a bad name." He was gunned down within two months.
-Baby Face Nelson's real name wasn't George Nelson. It was Lester Gillis.
-the word "moll" comes from "Molly" which is short for "Mary". Wait, huh?
-tommy guns are also known as "Chicago typewriters" and are very awesome
OK, wikipedia didn't say that tommy guns are awesome. But they SHOULD. Oh wait, I can change it. I'm gonna do that right now! See ya!
Five Bad Boys
Can’t help it, but whenever I’m surrounded by four other people in a somewhat enclosed social situation (in an elevator, around a table, etc…), I wonder if we’d make a decent basketball team.
Unfortunately, the answer’s usually no way, ‘cause I’m there too.
Oh well.
On a related note, check out this killer Tomahawk Jam.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Zap!
I'm not normally a coffee drinker, but I drank some coffee before work today. As a result I just got over two months of work done. Wow! Unfortunately it was the past two months and not the next two months. But still.
Anyway, here's a really funny McSweeney's feature that I desperately tried to avoid making this post seem like.
Here’s A Funny Picture Of Kevin From TROOP!
It’s at the Smithsonian in Washington, D.C.
TROOP! is performing this Saturday night at Sketchfest NYC.
Here’s A Funny Picture Of Britt From TROOP!
This one’s funny because I don’t think she knew I was making the Washington Monument come out of her cup. Ha! Joke’s on her!
Here’s A Funny Picture Of Two Cavemen, A Chicken, And Two Dudes In White Shirts
It’s from the PIT Preview night a few months back, just before the show. Probably one of the best pre-show costume set-ups ever.
I Am A Goddamn Excellent Ms. Pacman Player
Now I'm not claiming to be the best Ms. Pacman player in town or anything. But if you just happen to walk by a Ms. Pacman machine while I'm workin' my magic, you'll have no choice but to surrender to my hypnotic skillz and join the crowd of amazed onlookers.
What can I say? It's a gift.
Actually, it's more than that. It's a need. A deep, animalistic urge. When I walk into a bar and there's a Ms. Pacman machine in the corner, I get all fidgety and annoyed until I can get my ass over to play it.
You see, somehow, in someway, Ms. Pacman successfully taps directly into the obsessive-compulsive, yearning-for-perfection center of my brain. And when that radiant, beautiful, seven-yellow-eighths of a circular female finds all that untapped energy, she channels it and hones it, guiding me to a new plane of self-actualization.
There are two schools of thought when it comes to playing Ms. Pacman. The first is to play for Points, and the second is to play for Levels. They’re two very different approaches, and those people who believe in some happy medium between the two are fooling themselves and should go home and shut off all the lights so they can try and stop thinking like idiots.
When given a power-pellet, adopters of the first, Point-hungry school immediately abandon everything to hunt down each and every vulnerable ghost in hopes of gathering the most points pac-humanly possible. And on top of that, they’re willing to risk their yellow heroine's life at the slightest glimpse of some stupid, bouncing cherries.
If you can’t tell, I happen to be a proud member of the second school. That is, I place all of my energy on clearing each level of pellets and power-pellets, and advancing as far into the game as possible. Quadrant by quadrant I clear each board, striving for a graceful efficiency in the face of adversity.
It's not that I don't want those delicious bouncing pretzels and bananas. I do. And God knows every gobbled down power-pellet makes me wanna kill each and every blue motherfucking ghost on the screen.
But it’s not supposed to be about that.
The second Ms. Pacman school is about will power and mental discipline. It's about staying focused, and confronting your own capacity for greed, head-on.
Keep your mind in the right place and celebrate the journey. Be thoroughly in the moment, while anticipating your path, and don't ever look back. For here in the second school, there are no regrets. Yes, you'll feel the urges just like everyone else, but if you wanna get to the red level, you need to let the pretzels go.
Still, it is called the second school for a reason. Most players unfortunately go for the Points, becoming addicted to the fleeting boosts of self-worth accompanying each piece of pixilated fruit. And though the game itself promotes it, such is a life of never-enough, of constantly looking up at their score, and seeing how dwarfed it is by that unattainable hi, just beside it.
In the end, the choice is our own, and for me the second path has payed off, albeit in unsuspecting ways. Each evening, while walking through my neighborhood and back to my apartment, I pass a local bar with a Ms. Pacman machine inside. I know her all too well, and she calls out to me, screams for me to come and play. And I know it would be great at first—fun, exciting—but I also know what’ll happen in the end. How I’ll just end up being that creepy guy who goes into the same bar every night to play Ms. Pacman for hours on end. So instead, with focus and composure, I remain true to my original path homeward, all thanks to the little Ms. Pacman I carry deep within myself.
For she is a yellow, and she is wise. But only for those who truly choose to listen.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Just To Let You Know
I am really, really, really psyched for SketchFest NYC.
This is not meant as an ad-post. I am just too genuinely excited for this sketch festival to think about anything else. (The Yankees recent struggles are contributing to this to be sure. But still).
There will be proper advertising on this very blog later in the week, but for now I'll just letcha know its this Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at UCB.
Holy crap I'm excited.
Toys 'R' Me
Once upon a time, I went to Toys 'R' Us to buy a video game. I believe it was Mega Man X3 or Donkey Kong 64 or something equally cool. Anyway, I picked it up at the counter, brought it over to the cashier and paid with my hard-earned, well-saved cash.
Upon completing this transaction, I re-received said video game along with a receipt. I took a quick glance at the receipt, something I do pretty often for no discernable reason. Except this time, instead of it being a perfunctory glance, I saw something incredibly disturbing right there at the bottom. "Thank you...Geoffrey."
AHHHH!!! How did they know? How did they know who I was? This is impossible, I thought. How did they find me? Did I use a credit card? No I don't own a credit card! Does the cashier know who I am and slip my name onto the receipt? How could she know me? She's so old! Did they take my fingerprints off the cash? How? More importantly, WHY?! Why would they do this to me? Why would they freak me out like this?
Dazed, I stepped outside the Toys 'R' Us facility, looking around like a hunted man. I glanced at the parking lot...at the mall...at the Staten Island dump in the distance. Finally I whirled around and looked at Toys 'R' Us again. And it all became clear.
There, with his arm outstretched in inviting joy, stood Geoffrey Giraffe. They were not thanking me specifically...Mr. Giraffe was merely signing off on his gratitude.
My name is weird.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Zucchini Loaves Spam (this makes the following post sound grosser than it is)
I can't tell if this makes me cool or the biggest dork in town (though the fact that I just referred to "town" would probably point me towards the latter):
I just got spammed with a recipe for Zucchini Loaves.
The subject of the spam message is "Zucchini Loaves" and the body of the message is simply a recipe for zucchini loaves, along with a preface about how "Blair" was on vacation and came across this wonderful recipe while on her trip and that she wanted to share it with me.
So...
Does this spam mean that I've looked up too many recipes on Epicurious.com and am now on some kind of weird Foodie Watch List? Again, I can't tell if this is cool or lame.
Maybe it's boring. I can't even tell. All I know is I'm tired and very confounded by this weird spam.
I guess all I can really do is post the recipe here. I'm not a big zucchini guy, so if there are any experts out there, um, feel free to comment on "Blair"s recipe.
Blair's Zucchini Loaves
3 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
3 cups shredded zucchini (1 1/2 pounds)
3/4 cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup wheat germ
1/4 cup nonfat dry milk powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1 cup sifted powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons milk
1/4 cup chopped pecans, toasted
Combine first 5 ingredients in a large mixing bowl, stirring well.
Combine all purpose flour and next 9 ingredients, stirring well. Add zucchini mixture, stirring just until blended. Spoon batter evenly into 2 greased and floured 8x 4 x 2 1/2 loafpans.
Bake at 350 for 45 to 50 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool pans on wire rack 10 minutes; remove from pans and cool completely on wire rack.
Combine powdered sugar, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, and milk, stirring until smooth. Drizzle evenly over loaves; sprinkle with pecans. Yield: 2 loaves.
**(These loaves may be frozen up to one month; drizzle with glaze after thawing.)
Friday, June 03, 2005
BOOM & Free Preview Night!
Hey gang-a-lang... Don't forget that tomorrow night is BOOM at The PIT, now at 8:00pm. And as a special bonus, if you come see the show, you can stay for the 9:30pm PIT Preview Night show FOR FREE!!! OHHHHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!
*****************************
Elephant Larry presents
BOOM
June 4 and 18
SAME DAY, NEW TIME! Saturdays at 8:00 PM
@ THE PIT
154 W. 29th Street ~ (btwn. 6th & 7th Aves.)
Tickets: $8
Get 'em online: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/1049
Get 'em o'er the phone (NEW #): (800) 838-3006
Ticket Question? Call the theater at (212) 563-7488
...and then at 9:30pm, same exact place, keep yer ticket stub and see free sets by Cubicle, Party Central USA, Pigloo, Mambo Jambo, and Elephant Larry! Awesome!
It Also Turns Out I'm a Paranoid Cannibal
Last night before The Funny Semi-Finals, we were out on the sidewalk practicing lines. One of the sketches we performed, which I will now partially ruin for you, is "Placrototle." If you haven't seen it, do me a favor and skip this post.
But anyway, end of the sketch, I have a quick exchange with Placrototle, which I always tend to screw up (though not as much on stage as in rehearsal), so while the other guys ran "Tri-Dad," I walked down the sidewalk, saying my lines out loud.
As I got to the last line, I turned to my left, directly faced some guy sitting in his car, locked eyes with him, and said way too loudly:
"Wouldn't you like to eat yourself three times as much as you'd like to eat me?"
And then got flustered and ran away.
Anyway, Placrototle went over pretty well.
If I Said You Had A Great Body, Would You Rub It Against Me?
That was a joke that Geoff and I used in a skits-o-sketch entitled Demons of Distraction. Oh, those beautiful days of yore.
Anyway, check out this similarly-minded McSweeney's feature, as I enjoyed it enough to share with all you meatheads.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Elephant Larry Goes To White Castle
As mentioned earlier, Elephant Larry will be competing in the semi-finals of “The Funny” tonight. This will be our third performance at the National Comedy Theatre this season. And if you ask a random EL member to tell you what it's like, there's a 70% chance that they'll include White Castle in their answer.
In the spirit of relevence, what follows is a detailed White Castle analysis from EL’s very own ECNY-nominated Technical Director, Monica Hill. Enjoy.
In my preparation for tonight’s visit to White Castle, I decided to venture onto their website. I opted to take a look at the nutritional information. What I found was fascinating and totally distracting...so I had to write.
Now first, the heading on the nutritional page is as follows:
"Menu items and nutrition facts may vary slightly at select White Castle restaurants. Please choose the nutrition information specific to your state and city. Collect all 11!!!"
First, I'm astounded that their nutrition information varies between restaurants. Apparently I'm used to the rigid standardized system of McDonalds.
Second, what does 'collect all 11' mean? Are there 11 different menu varieties? And they're encouraging us to collect them? AND, they're encouraging use to collect all 11 with an enthusiasm level that requires 3 exclamation points???
So then I got obsessed with seeing the difference between Manhattan White Castles and other White Castles. Here are the results of my cross-sectional study:
1) As opposed to the Manhattan White Castle (MWC), the Coon Rapids, Minnesota White Castle has a "Chicken Sandwich" available. Okay, obvious: A) most chain restaurants have specialty sandwiches for regional taste differences, B) Coon Rapids-ians* love their Chicken Sandwiches.
2) At the MWC, onion rings are 290 calories, but in Glasgow, Kentucky** onion rings are 600 calories. Glasgow-ites also get 3 extra calories than us when they get chicken rings.***
3) The MWC menu is very similar in 'healthy' levels to the aptly named Mt. Healthy, Ohio menu. However, the MHO menu gives 5 cheese sticks per serving, as opposed to 3 in the MWC serving, which means Mt-ies**** get 1240 grams of sodium.
So in conclusion: 1) I apparently can't focus on my work at work today, and 2) we should feel happy that our dinner this evening is the healthiest food we could possibly eat, in the world, ever. Better than apples.
Monica "better than apples" Hill
*pronounced Rap-IDS-ians
**Glasgow, Kentucky is right near Louisville, Scotland
***What the hell are chicken rings?
**** pronounced MOUNT-ies
There ya have it. So grab a handful of burgers and come on out to the show! If we get eliminated, this will be your last opportunity to eat White Castle and watch Elephant Larry within the same city block and hour of time, if that makes sense. Which it very well may not.
It Seems I Am a Ghost
Me on the phone just before with a business contact:
Him: Okay, talk to you later.
Me: BOO.
(Hang up, realize I said "Boo," instead of "Bye." Feel slightly awkward.)
One More Funny Reminder
Disappointed that the Spurs-Suns series is over? Then come on over to the National Comedy Theater and watch some more semifinals! Tonight!
Elephant Larry takes on its arch-nemesis...PIGLOO!!! (Actually we just met them last week, and they're really cool people. So they're more like arch-friends)
Also MEAT is taking on Cubicle, so it's really going to be a fun show. See ya there!
National Comedy Theatre
347 W. 36th Street
btwn. 8th and 9th Aves.
Tickets: $9
Buy online:http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/111056
More info:http://www.thefunnynyc.com/
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Phallic Logo Awards
"We asked our readers to send in the best cock logos from around the world for our team of experts to evaluate."
What a great sentence. I wasn't gonna post this originally, but hey. Who doesn't like a good batch of cock 'n balls in the afternoon? You sneaky graphic designers, you.
Fabulous News, Fatsos!
This Friday, June 3rd, is free doughnut day at Krispy Kreme.
Click Here for more info, and to find your local slop bucket. I mean, doughnut shoppe.
Cornell Hates New York
At the recent kick-off of the College Humor National Tour (which, correct me if I'm wrong, but Stefan's company is helping out with), local comedians Craig Baldo and Bobby Tisdale were literally booed offstage.
Interesting Fact #1: They were booed for showing a video called "The Pleaser Twins," which is all about them being super-nice to people.
Interesting Fact #2: This was at Cornell University.
I'd be interested in hearing commentary on this from any of the many Cornell students who theoretically read this blog. Did you hear anything about this? Did you go to the show? Why did you go to the show?
Anyway, Bobby Tisdale has a good story about it on his blog. So check that out. If you want.
Via The Apiary.
Fun Thing For Your Ears
Well, fun might not EXACTLY be the word, but there's a very interesting conversation about music, intellectual property and Wilco up at this link. Jeff Tweedy discusses his relationship with his fans, the internet and how technology has changed the distribution of music and the nature of fandom. It's the kind of thing I find totally fascinating, and it's a good listen.
Via Coolfer.
The Funny Semi-Finals!
Pigloo
vs.
Elephant Larry
MEAT
vs.
Cubicle
June 2 - 8:00 PM
National Comedy Theatre
347 W. 36th Street
btwn. 8th and 9th Aves.
Tickets: $9
Buy online:
http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/111056
More info:
http://www.thefunnynyc.com/
