Elephant Larry's Group Blog: January 2005

Monday, January 31, 2005

Well, THIS is totally unnecessary

So. I know you. You're that guy in the Escalade. Or the Ford Excursion. For whom nothing is big enough. You eat Hummers for breakfast and poop out Navigators. You need the biggest, most bad-ass vehicle on the goddamn road. And fairly obviously, your next "car" will be one of THESE.

Ashton Kutcher already owns one. Presumably for his heavy construction sideline. Or for all that lumber he likes to bring home for Demi.

Isn't SIDS Hilarious?

At some point this weekend, Stefan and I were talking about our recent feature on the website. I think we were discussing, well you know, how utterly brilliant and inventive we both are, when the conversation inevitably turned towards bands that don't exist. In the spirit of bad band names and bad taste, we were deciding which musical group we'd rather see:

Sudden Infant

or

Death Syndrome

I was leaning toward Sudden Infant. You see, I imagine them as a smaller international electronic outfit. They do experimental, free music using unconventional sound sources, lo-fi electronics and turntables. And with their humorous and highly improvised character, their fragmented field of sound comes to its own autonomy!

I don't want to put words in his mouth, but Stefan opted for Death Syndrome. Unlike SI, they're a fast metal band with hardcore breakdowns that loves to play and freak people out at their shows, they are loud and insane, and always get a great response and just love to play and make new friends.

Oh wait!

Nevermind.

Both of them already kind of exist.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Coach Carter

First you have to allow for the fact that I enjoy all movies in the Rags to Riches-sports genre. So I enjoyed more of this movie than was reasonable.

That said, it was way too long. At one point I thought "Hey, that was a solid flick" and then it kept going for 45 minutes. The weird part of it being so long was that they seemed to do some of the same things over and over to pad for time. Like, ya know that part in all movies like this where a guy ditches and then comes back to the team? Well, that happened three times. Twice it was the same guy.

This repetition did produce one unintentionally hilarious scene where the community looks to fire Coach Carter, and it's basically just a cycle of:

1) Someone says something incendiary
2) The entire room starts murmuring ascent
3) The chairwoman slams her gavel and calls for order
4) Two teammates watching from the back glance at each other nervously

over and over, about six times in total. It was ridiculous.

I just spent way too much time talking about this movie.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Oil

So my family and I were driving to the ferry to drop me off so I could continue my work day in Manhattan. On the way there, an oil truck pulls up next to a house, across the street from a Verizon van that is in the middle of the road due to snow. So we can't get through. My Dad honks futilely before starting a U-Turn.

Once we complete our U-Turn, we see another oil truck, who is now stuck behind the first oil truck/Verizon van combo. As we pass him, he shouts to us "Damn oil trucks!"

That was the best oil truck guy ever.

Bad Group Name

There's an "electro group" in Sweden formed from the ashes of Army of Lovers (whom you might remember for their minor hit "Crucified") called BODIES WITHOUT ORGANS. This is a stupid, shitty name for a group. Really. What the hell.

Their song "Living In A Fantasy" is a hit in Sweden. It's okay.

Mmmm... Dognuts

I think I'd be less likely to eat donuts if they were called "Dognuts."

Two other things I don't think I'd eat:

- Chicken-flavored Coffee
- A Foot Long Octopus on Pie Bread

I'm sure there's some other stuff I misheard recently, but it ain't coming to mind.

Oh, come on Sydney

Okay, so I'm listening to Sydney, Australia's Nova Radio because I was curious as to what radio sounds like down there. The answer is that it sounds pretty much like here - a whole buncha Avril, Jay-Z, Kevin Lyttle, Good Charlotte & the Killers. The one amusing difference so far, besides the funny promos about the nude portion of the Sydney Bikini Competition ("These ladies sure know how to wear bikinis, but wouldn't they look better - on the floor?!") is the fact that they just played OMC's "How Bizarre" which I haven't heard in about 5 years. OMC, as we all know, optimistically stands for Otara Millionaire's Club - Otara being an island in the South Pacific. And because of that proximity, I guess Sydney feels some sort of obligation?

I'm gonna give this station another hour, then I'm switching to Swiss radio just for kicks.

Chris "Four Times" Principe

Chris "Funniest Man Alive" Principe recently observed that we've communicated three different ways today: E-mail, IM, and Blog. I joked that we should start a Usenet group, or join a chat room.

Then I got this fax:

Funniest. Man. Alive.

Caffeine Buzz

While reading Harvard Health Publications, I stumbled upon this article about coffee and its health effects. Okay, okay fine. I really found it as one of those stupid msn articles that pops up right next to your hotmail, but didn't I seem impressively thorough for a second there?

And guess what my chicken-butts: Coffee's good for you now maybe?!

Some interesting facts I'm now accepting as reality:

In 1674, women, who weren’t allowed in London coffeehouses, petitioned to ban coffee, claiming it made their men impotent.
A potentially fatal oral dose of caffeine is estimated to be 10–14 grams (about 100 cups of coffee).
Research found that lifetime coffee intake is associated with better cognitive performance by women (but not men). But there was NO relationship found between cognitive function and decaffeinated coffee consumption dar dar duh.

This post contained one Interrobang.

Most Awkward Pun Award

So I live right around the corner from a Catholic School which I pass by everyday to and from work. On Tuesday, there appeared a sign that said "Coming Soon: The Priesto Show!"

After a couple of days of puzzling over this, I decided to do a little research. And as it turns out, it's what you would expect - a magic show performed by a priest. Apparently it promises a "merry mix of magic, mirth, mayhem and mysteries. Fr. Jerry Jecewiz is the pastor of Holy Spirit Church in Borough Park, Brooklyn. He supports his parish by performing his very creative "magical ministry" in schools and churches!"

I'm half tempted to skip the Hot Chocolate Festival to go. Anybody else wanna go with me to celebrate the feast of St. Thomas Aquinas? Though I fear chocolate will win out.

Catholics: is there any conflict between being a priest and also professing to be a master of magic and trickery? It seems like the two don't jibe entirely well, which is why it struck me as weird. It's a little occultish.

Litter or Literature?

Here's a problem I've always had. When you're finished with a newspaper on public transportation, what do you do with it? Sure you could throw it away, making everything nice and neat and tidy. Or you could gently place it on your seat and leave it there for someone who wants to read something as they travel from A to B.

I usually leave it if I'm seated and throw it out if I'm standing. I think stooping down to place a newspaper on a random bench falls in the "see something, say something" category.

I bring this up now cuz it just took me an hour and forty-five minutes to get back to SI and I had nothing to read.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Extra! Extra! Read All About it! Associated Press Spoils Final Star Wars Film!

Jackson's Character Dies in 'Star Wars'

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Samuel L. Jackson dies in his next huge film - but he does it in a really cool way. Director George Lucas assured the actor that his Jedi knight character would go out in a blaze of glory in the forthcoming "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith," and the director apparently made good on his promise.

"It's rousing," Jackson told the San Francisco Chronicle in Sunday's editions. "It's a great light-saber battle with 102 moves in three big rooms."

"It's funny," said Lucas. "Even after all of the criticism I've received--about Jar Jar, excessive CGI, and overall poor writing and character development--I still felt people might actually want to come out and see this last movie. But by revealing Sam's death to the public, I think we've successfully eliminated any and all suspense and anticipation for Episode III."

Jackson agreed. "I love George, and I love Shit Wars. Oh wait, sorry. I meant Star Wars. Did I really say Shit Wars? Ha. You can edit that out, right? Wait. This isn't even me talking, is it? Is this Chris Principe inserting his personal opinion into this article?"

Lucas nodded while he finished chewing his fingers, and the two shared a laugh.

"Oh my, George," said Jackson. "Your fingers have turned to chocolate."

"I'm in Love... With Love!"

Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled "fight about the Family Guy" blog, but this site is freaking hilarious:

Team Gibba! The Most Perfect Couple in the World!

It made me LOL all over the place.

Psst...there's an interview with Seth MacFarlane in this week's A.V. Club. Whether you love it or hate it, he's the creative force behind Family Guy...

Indie Rock Band or Erotic Thriller?

New Feature on the website:

Indie Rock Band or Erotic Thriller?

On a side-note, I actually had to pare this list down quite a bit.

A Quick Game for Your Morning

Here's a game I invented yesterday, called "What's the Nerdiest?" Basically, I give you a list of stuff, and you tell me "What's the Nerdiest?" And I'm not talking geekiest, which is mildly cool. I'm talking nerdiest. So here we go. Are you ready? Okay:

What's the Nerdiest - Online Edition

The following are all webpages I had open in my browser recently... Take a look at the list, and you tell me, "What's the nerdiest?"

A) My Gmail account, which automatically refreshed every two minutes.

B) Think Secret, a web site devoted to rumors about upcoming Apple products.

C) An Online RPG

D) The fact that they were all open in tabs on my Firefox browser.

E) The fact that I'm posting an online quiz about this in my sketch comedy group's blog.

Please note that "All of the Above" is NOT a choice.

SFist Review of SFperformance

Check out this review we got on SFist:

The Sklar Brothers & Elephant Larry Sketch Fest Review

Thanks SFist! As previously mentioned on this blog, I heart the -ists. So much so that I've actually taken to reading all of them pretty much daily, even though Gothamist is the only one directly relevant to my life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Let's Give 50 Cent a Hand...

I want to emphasize this rumor is not true.

There's been a rumor passed around, started by a faked AP news story, that 50 Cent got his hand sliced off in a Lamborghini door on Friday. The rumor has it that it was either wind, or the loud speakers inside the car that knocked the door of his car shut.

As I mentioned, this rumor is not true.

But if it was true... How bad-ass would 50 Cent be with 8 bullet holes in his body, and a hook for a hand? Totally bad-ass. 50 Cent would be a totally bad-ass pirate rapper.

I hope this rumor is true*.

*Not really. People losing parts is my number one fear.

Paper Bag Head

This is cute:

PaperBag Head

Basically, the site asks you to send in pics of the elusive "Paperbaghead," if you spot him anywhere around the world. So far he's only been spotted once in the US... I think we can change that, don't you?

This kind of reminds me of a site Stefan & I put together, Passed Out Wookies. Although, you know, more on purpose.

The Afternoon Lull

Is it just me or does it seem like us EL folk post hot and heavy in the morning then fall back in the afternoon? Maybe it's just me. But it sure seems that way.

Though I have noticed we make a lot of comments in the afternoon. Perhaps we're feeling energetic and creative in the morning, yet more reserved and pensive in the afternoon.

Or maybe I just made all that up.

Celebrity Look-Not-A-Likes

Okay. I LOVE celebrity look-a-like sites - you can browse for hours, checking out people who look vaguely like celebrities you know and love. Some of them are pretty good, others are only passable because they're wearing heavy makeup/lots of costumes. It's also fun to imagine what possible occasion you would have to hire a Michael Bolton look-a-like. But the best part is finding people who are so fucking terrible that you don't even understand what the hell they're doing hiring themselves out. Case in point: a so-called Dr. Evil look-a-like.

Seriously, people. Not even close. Huh?

Oðblgshezi

After finishing our Saturday night performance and watching Totally Looped in the SFSketchfest, EL walked out of the Eureka theater and back towards our cars. I know you're all dying to know exactly what time this happened, so I'll tell you:

It was at precisely 11:29 pm and 39 seconds.

How do I know this? Because at that exact moment, while passing a bank on the corner, Marybee and I saw the backwards reflection of a red digital clock on the bank's wall. And hovering in the darkened glass was a single word: PEPSII.

Now, yeah, it would have been even cooler two hours later, but COME ON! This is as divine as it gets, people. One more second and it would have been OYPSII. And then IYPSII. It's almost as though we were meant to see that PEPSI...that the ethereal-forces-of-power-that-have-always-been suddenly emerged from the unknown to tell Mary and me that we, as a people, are meant to drink Pepsi. Not Coke. PEPSI. And that Pepsi is, in fact, the #1 soft drink of the universe.

I tried to find a site that covers this sort of thing, but this is the closest I could get. Hooray for Oðblgshezi! And Boobies! It's from langmaker.com, and it's actually a pretty interesting site, devoted to the development of new words and languages. It's a lot to take in, but there's also a great compilation of neologisms. My favorites? Nucrowave and lesbosexual.

Geoff on McSweeneys... AGAIN.

Good grief, can Geoff just stop writing funny stuff that gets published by McSweeneys for, like, three seconds?

Play-by-Play of Classic Sports Rivalries If the Team Names Actually Represented the Combatants. And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport, They're Fighting to the Death.

Side-note: We made a huge group trip to the McSweeneys Pirate Supply Store at 826 Valencia on Sunday. It was awesome.

San Fran Slideshow, Part 1

There may never be a Part 2, so check this out:

San Francisco Slideshow

Its about 25 MBs, so might take a little bit...

New York Times Hits New Low

This has got to be the most blatant attempt I've ever seen to get people to check out a New York Times sidebar story.

That being said, its also a pretty incredible series... This guy not only went into Cambodian Brothels, he actually bought the prostitutes freedom, and then came back to see what the brothels were like today.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Infamous Three-Pronged Tower of San Francisco

Yes, yes. We had a wonderful time in San Francisco. We took in beautiful views, climbed beautiful hills, ate beautiful food. But there is one thing which my so-called "troupe-mates" will not reveal to you. And that is the Infamous Three-Pronged Tower of San Francisco.

I first noticed it at Golden Gate Park. We were just coming into a clearing where I noticed its menacing presence on a seemingly faraway hill. I took no special issue with it, despite its intimidating size. Shortly thereafter I let loose a swear word; whether it was darn or shoot I remember not. I heard a faint buzz followed immediately thereafter by a deep pain in my right eye, burning a hole straight through to my retina. I knew instantly what had happened. It was the Infamous Three-Pronged Tower of San Francisco.

It turn out that within its vast array of impressive circuitry, the Infamous Three-Pronged Tower of San Francisco holds information on all morality and social morays. When these tenets are threatened, the Infamous Three-Pronged Tower of San Francisco takes matter into its own hands (or in this case, laser turrets) and punishes any and all offenders within the city limits. We learned later that the Infamous Three-Pronged Tower of San Francisco also punished complaining and love.

Finally, on the final day of our visit, we had our ultimate confrontation, the I3-PToSF and I. My colleagues and I climbed to the summit of Twin Peaks, which offered an amazing view of San Francisco and the ocean and the perfect spot to challenge my quarry. I baited it with profanity and hugs. Being so close, the thin buzz normally heard coinciding with its laser sounded more like a locomotive falling off a mountain. The I3-PToSF disintegrated me from head to toe.

So, yeah. I'm never going to SF again.

Robin Williams Does NOT Suck

Yes, the rumors I forgot to start are true: We met Robin Williams this weekend.

He came out to see his friend Rick Overton perform with Totally Looped (which was very funny, by the way), and therfore saw us opening for 'em.

Anyway, not only did he buy an EL t-shirt, but held open the door for people on the way out of the show, and encouraged them to take the stickers I was handing out, saying, "Support comedy! Take a sticker!" Which was very cool.

He was totally nice, told me he really liked our show, AND was a great laugher. So there you are then.

Now, I hesitate to sully the support-a-thon that is this post, but Chris thought there was probably a lot of tension in the room, what with the Genie from Aladdin (Robin Williams), and the Genie from Aladdin 2 (Dan Castallaneta) both being present. Awkward!

Wrath of the Gods

So Elephant Larry leaves town for one itsy-bitsy weekend and everything goes all crazy? I'm going by Greek elemental standards here:

Fire? Check.

Water? Technically, sure. Check.

Earth? Well, it's a stretch and definitely fire-related, but hey, it's underground. Check.

And, if you wanna get all Captain Planet about it, I suppose this could count as Heart.

Sheeze. Bummers all around, I guess. Any recent Air-related tragedies I should know about? And yes, the musical duo from France is perfectly acceptable territory.

San Francisco Sucks

Why? Because it's the first city to ever make me feel that it might be even slightly possible for me to live somewhere other than New York City. (To be fair, Seattle came close, but faded with time...)

What a great place. We had beautiful weather, great tourguides, saw some amazing acts, and took some killer hero shots. And of my list of stereotypical expectations, I saw everything but Rice-a-Roni and the Full House, um, House.

But honestly, the impression that stuck with me most were the HILLS. We first drove into the city via the Bay Bridge, and I was all like, "Um hello? Skyline? Anybody?" But then we made some turn and there they were: the hills. I just started laughing. Having been New York-based for so long, I didn't realize that urban space could actually be shaped like that. So ridiculous. We should get some serious y-axis action here in NYC, pronto. And pronto means immediately.

Sorry I don't have any photos to post up here, but I still don't have one of those digital cameras yet. Stefan? Alex? Don't be jerks and share all that pixelated love, will ya?

Use the Potato Peeler, Luke

I think its rather unfortunate that considering how little I care about Star Wars anymore, I'll still probably be buying this Darth Vader Mr. Potato Head. Which, I might mention, is called "Darth Tater."

Where is Everybody?

Did New York get cancelled? I've been at work for half an hour now, and usually, the place is bustling by this point.

But it was all shut down, and nobody is here. I mean, nobody. There's usually at least one student annoyingly plunking the piano and screeching at the top of their lungs.

I don't have much to say about this, but its creeping me out, so to calm myself, I've trying to find some sort of live Oscar Nomination updates. No luck yet!

Update! Everybody is here, no worries... They just got delayed by snow. And as a bonus, here's the nominations for Snorefest '05:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
*Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR
*Laura Linney - KINSEY
*Virginia Madsen - SIDEWAYS
*Sophie Okonedo - HOTEL RWANDA
*Natalie Portman - CLOSER

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
*Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR
*Thomas Haden Church - SIDEWAYS
*Jamie Foxx - COLLATERAL
*Morgan Freeman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
*Clive Owen - CLOSER

BEST ACTRESS:
*Annette Bening - BEING JULIA
*Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE
*Imelda Staunton - VERA DRAKE
*Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
*Kate Winslet - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

BEST ACTOR:
*Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA
*Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND
*Leonardo DiCaprio - THE AVIATOR
*Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
*Jamie Foxx - RAY

BEST DIRECTOR:
*Martin Scorsese - THE AVIATOR
*Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
*Taylor Hackford - RAY
*Alexander Payne - SIDEWAYS
*Mike Leigh - VERA DRAKE

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
*John Logan - THE AVIATOR
*Charlie Kaufman & Michel Gondry & Pierre Bismuth - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
*Keir Pearson & Terry George - HOTEL RWANDA
*Brad Bird - THE INCREDIBLES (!!!)
*Mike Leigh - VERA DRAKE

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
*Richard Linklater & Julie Delpy & Ethan Hawke; Story By Richard Linklater & Kim Krizan - BEFORE SUNSET
*David Magee - FINDING NEVERLAND
*Paul Haggis - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
*Jose Rivera - THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
*Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor - SIDEWAYS

BEST FOREIGN PICTURE:
*AS IT IS IN HEAVEN
*THE CHORUS
*DOWNFALL
*THE SEA INSIDE
*YESTERDAY

BEST ANIMATED PICTURE:
*THE INCREDIBLES
*SHARK TALE
*SHREK 2

BEST PICTURE:
*THE AVIATOR
*FINDING NEVERLAND
*MILLION DOLLAR BABY
*RAY
*SIDEWAYS

Can someone please tell me what "Before Sunset" was adapted from? Because I'm pretty sure it was "life experience."

Friday, January 21, 2005

Food Museum!

We're currently in a food museum!

I actually don't think there could be anything nerdier than blogging from a food museum, but we're currently hanging out in COPIA, the world's largest food museum in Napa, CA.

Its awesome, actually... They have atons of fun food exhibits, a free wine tasting, tow world class restaurants, and a 3 acre herb garden.

Anyway, back to the nerdiness... We'll be checking out shows in San Fran tonight, and then performing Saturday at Sunday at 8pm, at the Eureka Theatre. Check out the link to the right, or our website for more info.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

EsssssssEfffffff

So Elephant Larry's SF departure is less than four hours from now. I've never been before, so I'm pretty excited to see what all the fuss is about. I love being on the brink of going to a new place, especially after hearing so much about it for TWENTY YEARS NONSTOP.

It's funny, because as I take a step back to think about it, I'm honestly expecting to step into a city that's a weird amalgamation of the following:

Rice-a-Roni
Hills
Trolleys
Full House
Fog
Laid back-ness
The Golden Gate Bridge
Alcatraz/The Rock/Little Green Balls that Make Men's Faces Melt

...and returning with no heart because I left it there.

For the record, Chicago was pretty windy, I ate plenty of Deep Dish Pizza, and I'm pretty sure I ended up enjoying some Second City-related comedy.

Everybody Knows That Chris is the Best

Check out this nice profile on Chris, from the Northern Weschester Patent Trader:

Somers Alum Lives for Comedy

For the record, Stefan mentioned the name "Elephant Larry." Although I did suggest it to his MIND.

The Call

And so my life gets one notch weirder, as I receive The Call for the first time.

"AHH!!! I just saw you on TV!!"

Apparently, the commercial I filmed last month is airing in the Philadelphia area. I haven't seen it yet, but I hope to procure an online version for myself and the faithful readers of this blogaroo, seeing as it's supposed to be amusing. If nothing else, I can guarantee that I look ridiculous in it. In the meantime, if you live within 50 miles of Philly, look out for a Comcast commercial that takes place in a dollar store. If you see a nerdy buffoon in enormously thick glasses that doesn't look like me, that's me.

Wahoo! Life is strange.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The Polar Express vs. The Uncanny Valley

Fascinating exploration of what went wrong with the Polar Express, from Ward-O-Matic:

Read This First

Then This (Where he not only shows what went wrong, but actually makes steps to correct it)

In it, he makes reference to a concept called "The Uncanny Valley," which analyzes why people will respond more strongly to, say a cute animal character, than a totally human looking character in a cartoon.

Now You Can Check This Out

Its a really fascinating concept, and one I think that Dreamworks should check out before they make Shrek 3, and totally creep me out again.

This One Goes Out To Chris

EDITED (1/26/05): Okay, so this used to be a cute little animated jpeg using stills from Fellowship of the Rings. But, at some point, it seems to have been replaced by an absolutely horrifying picture of... something spewing out of a babies butt.

So I'm taking it down. If, for some reason, you want to look at a horrible picture, the link is below. But don't look it.

You should, however, look at The Lord of the Rings, cause those movies are bitchin'.

http://big-big-truck.com/sa/mordor.gif

Fantastic Four Trailer

http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/fantastic_four/

This has to be, hands down, the worst made trailer for a big budget movie I've ever seen in my entire life. Seriously.

1) Did they make it in Final Cut? What the crap is that font? They basically just have white arial black font on a black background, which I'll have you know is the default setting for Final Cut.

2) Who edited it? They have the sentence "Five people will be changed," followed by a shot of four people.

3) Who wrote it? "On July Fourth... 4th.... 4.... Four..." "One will be bad..." Also, may I point out that the trailer says, almost constantly that the movie is coming out July 4th, while on the bottom of the page, it says "July 1st, 2005" in HUGE letters.

4) What the fluck is that music over the second half of the trailer? It sucks. Also, I had to play Johnny Storm's last line of dialogue about five times before I understood what he was saying.

5) That CGI & Costumes look HORRIBLE. The Thing looks like a burn victim wearing orange foam, and the Mr. Fantastic effects are not only hard to see, but also, badly done.

BARRRRFFFFFFFFFFF.

Heartbreaking Sentences, Inappropriate Fonts

...And there's a new feature today:

Heartbreaking Sentences, Inappropriate Fonts

Jeez, what have we been smoking, huh?

Answer: Nothing. We've been smoking absolutely nothing.

Chicago Slideshow

Hey hey, its our first BLOGSCLUSIVE VIDEO!!! I put together a little slideshow of our Chicago Trip, check out the link below:

Chicago SketchFest 2005 SlideShow

Its about 20 MBs, and I just gonna post it on this blog. I mean, I guess if you really like it, I'll post it on the website permanently, but... Blogsclusive people. Come on.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Mind Games

Click here to see how I entertained myself for the entire flight out to Chicago last week. Print it out and give it a shot, as it's really well done.

Also, how awesome is it that Will Shortz is America's only enigmatologist? The answer, is very awesome.

Also Also, Demetri Martin is performing this weekend at the San Francisco Sketchfest. Those who have seen any of his brilliantly excellent shows will understand the relevance.

Lowly Insect?

Will somebody explain the self-deprecating statistics system in the bottom-right section of our blog? First, we were referred to as a "crusty crustacean," which sounds kinda cute. Now we are a "lowly insect." Is this better or worse? I think it's supposed to be better but it sounds a lot worse.

Confused and apparently lowly,

Jerf

Psst. There's a good comedy-related article in this week's New Yorker.

(Totally) In the Loop(ed)

Hey, guess what I may have learned this weekend:

The term "in the loop" comes from Chicago's mass transit system, suggesting that at one time, being in Chicago's main downtown and business area somehow meant you were "in the know" or "part of the process." I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty cool.

In an inspirational burst of fact-checking, I found some website that says otherwise, but I'm making a conscious decision not to believe it.

Also, in an inspirational burst of relevence, check out Totally Looped. Why? Because we're performing with them this weekend in San Francisco, that's why.

Baby, Fix That Fusebox 2

Its been a long time (long time) since I left you, with a dope video to watch... ah, forget it. There's new videos on our website:

Baby, Fix That Fusebox 2

Baby, Fix That Fusebox 2 Outtakes Reel

We actually WORLD PREMIERED Baby Fix That Fusebox 2 at the late night sketch comedy jam at Chicago SketchFest (called Sketchubator), which was great, cause there's no better crowd to show stuff off to than very, very drunk comedians. This is not sarcasm, by the way. I love drunk comedians.

In any case, on the off-chance you saw the movie at the Sketchubator performance, there's two special surprises for you: A new ending, AND a special outtakes reel.

I know the files are rather large, but be patient. I think they're worth it. BECAUSE THEY ARE THE MOST AMAZING MOVIES EVER CREATED!!!

I should mention that the only movie I've ever seen was "Racing Stripes," so I may not have the best perspective.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Elephant Larry in Chicago/Chicagoist

What's up, my bloggies? Elephant Larry is in Chicago right now, hangin' out at the Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival... Thanks to everybody who came out to last night's performance, you guys were awesome!

Anywho, thanks to Chicagoist for giving us a nice plug on Friday:

Click Here for the Chicagoist Piece

They were very nice, and we like Chicagoist a lot, so that works out for everybody.

If you want, come on down and check out our show at Theatre Building Chicago tonight at 11pm, and of course, shows start at 7pm, and you should check out all of 'em.

Now, an extra bonus for those of you who read this far. We're actually in an Internet Cafe at the moment, and when I pressed paste on the browser, to attempt to put the Chicagoist link in, I instead got the below text, that someone before us clearly copied and pasted. Enjoy!

I don't want help with the rent/groceries. I would like to be spoiled a little (or a lot) - you know, wear nice clothes, go a few places I can't afford, etc. There needs to be some chemistry between us, or this won't be fun for me.

I am your typical artsy chick from an Ivy League school who works for a nonproit. 5'*8, red hair, green eyes, 24. Sexual intercourse is not an option but I am not a tease. I am very good with my hands and mouth, and I'll get you off if we actually do go out. (How and for how long will depend on chemistry, etc.)

It will be an NSA with maybe an option for a repeat.

I hate to seem mercenary about this, but I have been thinking about this for a while.

yours,
Claire

Oh Claire. You nasty.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Million Dollar Baby

They didn't say the phrase "Million Dollar Baby" ONCE.

PS Overrated.

Recipes from My First Cookbook

New Feature on the Website:

Recipes from My First Cookbook

I think its about time for lunch, don't you?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Dragon Day

While walking across the street with a cup of coffee before, I nearly screamed out loud when I saw on the ground what looked like a GIGANTIC SAWED OFF DRAGON CLAW!!!

Turns out, it was an umbrella handle!

Turns out, this wasn't much of a story.

My Name Day

My co-worker Emily is extremely, extremely superstitious. So superstitious that, though Catholic, she seemingly follows parts of all religions just to be safe. Which is a smart way to go about things if you think about it. She has a kabbalah bracelet, feng shui mirrors all over her office and talks about Buddhist and Hindu traditions pretty incessantly. I will refrain from bashing her any further, as she just gave me candy. That's the point of my story!

Apparently one of Emily's big superstitions is Name Day. Mainly an Italian tradition, one's Name Day in Italy is more important than their birthday and huge celebrations are held to celebrate them. For example, if you were born on October 27 but your name is Antonio, baby, you're throwing that bash on June 13. So at some point Emily and I did some painstaking research and deduced that my name day is January 15. So she got me chocolate to celebrate! I think she only got it for me because, as she insisted repeatedly, "IT'S GOOD LUCK". But who cares why? I got chocolate! Yay!

If you want to find your name day, just go to www.mynameday.com

PS If you'll notice, my name day is actually July 9th. Our initial research must have been mistaken. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

MacWorld

The blogosphere (and nerdosphere, while we're at it), has been in a frenzy the past few days. Why's that? 'Cause today was MacWorld.

Yes, MacWorld, the forum for major Apple announcements that are sure to send the 5% of PC users that actually own Macs into a mega-buying frenzy.

So what were the major announcements, for those of you who actually care about this stuff?

[Side note: Since this is going from the beginning of the announcements to the end of the show, it gets bigger as this goes along. Bear with me.]

- Tons of support for HD video, which makes sense, since there was some sort of legal requirement to move all TV over to High Definition this year, anyway. For the consumer, this means that the technology for viewing, filming, and editing video (at least in Macs) will be up to standards before the rest of us catch up.

- Greater integration for mp4 video technology, which is a very good thing. mp4s are tiny video files, and could do for online video what mp3s did for online music. The alternative, watching videos in Flash, is crap.

- New Quicktime, the "biggest update in a decade." The big news here is that you'll be able to scale your quicktime movie viewer larger and smaller with NO LOSS OF QUALITY. That's pretty awesome.

- John Mayer introduced the new Garage Band! He's dreamy!

[Side Note: I'd love it if Apple could figure out some way of integrating John Mayer with OSX. That would be a seriously sexy upgrade.]

- iPhoto prices for printing photos down to 19 cents a print, which is great. I used this for the g-friend a couple of weeks ago, took a picture she had taken, put it into iPhoto, cropped it, reduced the red-eye (actually switched pupils, which was pretty hilarious), and then clicked, literally, two buttons to order several regular sized prints of the photos. AND, the photos looked great. If I liked photography, I would use this service more often.

- iWork replaces ol' Appleworks program, with integration in OSX and the iLife software. The big news with this is that Apple is trying to replace Microsoft Office, which is pretty much essential to using your Mac. Good luck with that, Apple!

[Side Note: My PC here at work is telling me I should update my windows software RIGHT NOW. It's obviously suffering from all the attention I'm lavishing on Apple. That's cause you suck, PC I'm typing on right now.]

- Mac Mini. Holy crap, this is awesome. 3" tall computer, with all the connectors you need (ethernet, video, usb, firewire!). No monitor, obviously, but the goddamn computer FITS IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND! You can use your current keyboard, mouse, monitor, etc, and just hook it up to the world's teeniest little powerhorse. Yeah, I said powerhorse. And, it starts at $500, which is ridiculously reasonable. In stores, January 22. Dude, you're trashing your Dell.

- Over 10 million iPods sold, and will probably reach over 1 billion songs sold on iTunes this year. I want to point out it just started snowing because, you know, its Christmas.

- Motorla is making an iTunes phone. I mean, I'll buy that.

- iPod Shuffle. What is it? It's an iPod, smaller than a pack of gum, has no screen, weighs under 1 oz, 12 hour battery. Basically a teeny little flash drive, that coordinates with iTunes. You make the playlist in iTunes, and then upload it to your Shuffle. It has the standard iPod click wheel, but basically, suprises you with crazy music at every turn!

Yes, the name is silly, and yes, its weird that its just on shuffle. BUT. I basically have my iPod set on shuffle anyway, cause really, I just have songs I want to hear anyway. And here's the best part: 512MB for $99 and 1GB for $149.99. That's cheap. I mean, real cheap. I hesitated when I first heard about this, but getting a 1GB iPod for $150 is, I think more attractive to the average consumer than anything that costs over $300 (which the rest of the iPod line basically does).

And, it also works as a standard USB Flash drive, which means it's a disk you can plug into any computer, anywhere, and use as a disk drive. I have an iPod, and I still might buy this.

The best part? You can buy it TODAY.

Cheers to you, Apple, you've forced me to buy two tiny appliances.

Earworms

What? You want to read another language-related post? Well okay, but I can't promise any banking.

The NYTimes Science section has a fluffy article about the strange line between language and music, focusing primarily on the word amygdala and the part of the brain to which it refers. The author uses the term earworm to describe melodies that lodge themselves in the brain and won't be moved, and he wonders why certain words can act the same way. I had trouble finishing the article because I couldn't shake the image of worms burrowing through my brainfat.

My theory? I'm pretty convinced that our brains (or at least my brain) has an inclination to favor four syllable words with the second syllable accented. For some reason, they're just juicier than other words. Amygdala is a great example. So's lugubrious. And ethereal. And wachovia.

Oh SNAP!

"Huuuuge Planes" or "Another Topic Meant for Boys"

So. I was doing some research for a design project I'm doing at work (involving scantily clad airline stewardesses no less) and I came across some images of the Airbus SuperTransporter, which is also popularly known as the Airbus Beluga, because it looks exactly like it has a Beluga whale head. Here's a picture:

This thing is gigantic. This is how they transport airplane parts from one place to another. As well as entire airplanes. To give you some scale, here's an image of TWO AIRPLANE COCKPITS being loaded inside:

Both of these pictures are from the actually totally fantastic website, airliners.net, which has thousands of pictures of planes. And although most of you can't possibly be interested in tons of planes, it is totally worth checking out for their "Most Popular Pictures" feature, which can really be quite stunning.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Do I need to apologize?

Last night I dreamt I was sitting at a large dinner table filled with people. I was sitting across from Martin Scorsese. Somebody near was saying something about Italy, and at one point he asked, "Hey, does anybody know how to say ‘voyage’ in Italian." Martin Scorsese and I said "Viaggio" at the exact same time. Then I muttered, "Jinx." The entire table erupted with laughter. Martin Scorsese looked confused. Somebody leaned over to him and said, "You can’t speak anymore." Martin Scorsese looked very sad. Then I leaned across the table and said, "Martin Scorsese." Martin Scorsese looked apprehensive. I explained to him, "now you can speak again because I said your whole name." Martin Scorsese nodded in understanding and went back to his meal, a little wounded inside. I’m not sure if he got over it. I had no idea he would take it so hard.

The The The The The Ukraine

I met a girl this weekend who had just returned from a two-year Peace Corps stint in the Ukraine. She had the following informative morsel to share:

The word Ukraine roughly translates into English as The Outskirts. I don't know if that's a translation from Russian or Ukrainian, though I spent nearly four minutes "researching" online before getting flustered and bored and giving up. Also, I didn't know Russian and Ukrainian were two separate languages until the same girl told me so this weekend. Also, she told me that the word Veselka, the name of a great Ukrainian restaurant in my neighborhood which I've always imagined to mean Beautiful Ukrainian Princess, actually means Fork.

But anyway, I maintain that this translation of Ukraine into The Outskirts deserves attention for the following reason: we Americans generally refer to the country as The Ukraine.

Example: "Hey Joey, have you ever been to the Ukraine?"

We think we're being all globo-culturally enlightened, but what we're actually asking is: "Hey Joey, have you ever been to the the Outskirts?" And Joey has every right to feel confused and angry.

To correct this redundancy, I suggest we start calling it The Ukraine The The. At least when we translate that, it'll look a little more balanced.

This got me thinking about other stupid language-stumbles. ATM machine and PIN number are the more obvious ones. Are there any others? (No googling, you google jerks.)

Real Buddy Role Call

New Feature on the website:

Real Buddy Role Call

For the record, listening to the actual song on my iPod makes me very uncomfortable. And yet, I listen to it almost every day, because L'il Jon is hilarious. How "interesting."

The Most Boring Post Ever

I was about to write The Most Boring Post Ever. But I didn't.

It had to do with emoticons and the fact that 8) turns into a yellow smiley guy with sunglasses and which was more annoying, Cool Guy smiley or the same 8 with a space between it and the parenthesis. (8 )) But I didn't post it.

I realize that this post explaining the hypothetical post is also boring. But trust me, the other one was gonna be way longer and way boringer. I did you a favor not posting that crap.

You're welcome.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Nominate Us For a Bloggie!

If there's one thing I could say about Elephant Larry, its that we crave attention. So why not nominate us for a 2005 Bloggie?

http://2005.bloggies.com/

From now until Monday, January 10 at 10pm (EST), you can nominate us in a number of categories, including:

- Best American Weblog
- Most Humorous Weblog
- Best Group Weblog
- Best-Kept-Secret Weblog
- Best New Weblog

We could win up to TWENTY DOLLARS!!! Which we will then share, in some way, with the readers of this weblog.

Also, if there's too many categories up there, might I say that I think we'd prefer the "Most Humorous Weblog," award, but then, that's your opinion whether its a valid title at all.

Vote Early! Vote Often! I'll be adding a link to this to the side-bar of the Blog!

NFL Wild Card Weekend

New Feature on the Website:

NFL Wild Card Weekend

I think it has something to do with sports.

These Cheerios are Driving Me Crazy

It's not a witty title. I really think I'm going crazy because I can't stop smelling Cheerios.

And I don't mean I keep succumbing to some irresistable urge to sniff the handful of Cheerios I carry around in my pockets all day. I mean I've been smelling the scent of Cheerios for the last 12 hours or so.

I can smell it right now.

I'm sure there's some rational explanation. I admit that I eat way too many bowls of cereal, way too often, and recently the cereal of choice has been Cheerios.

This morning for breakfast? Cheerios. And last night before I went to bed: bedtime Cheeriosnack. But I didn't spill them on my clothes or person or anything. And I don't think I have crushed Cheerios on the bottom of my sneakers either. I freaking checked. I think I had a bowl at like two in the morning a couple of nights ago while reading in bed. Maybe I spilled one or two under the covers and I've been sleeping in Cheerios scent without even realizing it? If you eat too much of something, do you start sweating it or something? If so WHY HASN'T ANYBODY TOLD ME?

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, though I'm sure this is how craziness works. I'm gonna volunteer to be the new fucking Cheerios mascot. Maybe then I won't feel so crazy and I'll get to drive a racecar. YEAH. Who's crazy now?! VROOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Banking Story 4: The Fake Bank Story

Today I woke at 7:30. I brushed my teeth for 45 minutes, brushed my teeth for 15 minutes, and then left immediately for the bank. Today being Free Dollar Thursday, I was expecting a long line, so I wanted to be the first one there.

And indeed I was! I strode right up to the counter and plugged myself into the ATM. I chatted with the ATM for a while about my father and its father, and then we got right down to business. I needed sixty dollars in cash and the ATM needed an ounce of fool's blood. We decided it was an even trade.

60 dollars later and a little woozy, I started to leave the bank, but I realized I almost forgot the main reason I went! Free Dollar Thursday!

I turned left at the food court and monkey-barred my way over to the Free Dollar Amphitheater. I was greeted by the Sledge Teller, who smiled at me warmly and handed me a sledgehammer. I had been dreaming of this moment since last Thursday.

I inhaled nervously and started charging towards the enormous pink piggy bank in the center of the arena. As expected, the piggy started bucking and kicking up dirt. I wished I had worn my protective goggles. The piggy struck first, striking me square in the chest with its retractable snout. I buckled over, gasping for breath as the piggy sucked back its snout. A small audience of 35,000 had gathered to watch the proceedings, and the majority had already claimed the piggy the unofficial winner, cheering for the cyborg oinker and tossing oversize pennies into its oversize coin slot.

However, I knew had a second wind coming. As the piggy sauntered away with its round porcine head raised proudly in the air, I shouted after it, "IT'S NOT OVER YET, YOU BIG CUTE STUPID PIG THING!" The pig turned around, not knowing English. I quickly translated my war cry into an angry facial expression, and the piggy got the gist. We started charging toward one another. Fans were chucking enormous dimes at the piggy's coin slot. One enormous dime bounced off my face and exploded. I didn't even care.

The piggy and I united in an incendiary clash that sent the audience into whooping cheers and grunts of excitement. It whipped its really short tail at me and missed. I swung at it valiantly with my sledgehammer, but the giant hog was too fast. And then inspiration struck.

I lifted an enormous quarter up off the ground, a giant piece of loose change that had been tossed by an enthusiastic audience member. With one great heaving motion, I thrust the coin into the air. The whole world stopped. The piggy and the crowd watched the coin flip upwards to the skies. "Why did you throw the quarter? Are you trying to land it in my slot?" thought the piggy. Predictably, the piggy took this as a gesture of surrender, and positioned himself underneath the whirling coin, waiting to accept its bounty. I took my only chance, and swung my sledgehammer hard and true. My hammer met the piggy's tummy with a big FUTH sound. The piggy stumbled back in shock as a crack started to form. It shook its head at me in disbelief right before it combusted.

Cyborg bacon flew everywhere. I dropped the sledgehammer, picked up my Free Dollar, and left the arena, wiping my brow with my new prize.

Four more dollars to go before I get to buy a sandwich! Yahoo!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Change Is Good

A thousand apologies for:
a) the pun subject
b) another bank story

So a few months back I went to cash in my spare change. I am not a change purse type person, choosing instead to throw my pocket change in a coffee mug at home and redeem it for paper or "real" money. I went down to my local Commerce Bank and partook of its penny arcade.

This was a fancy penny arcade with a touch screen and a computer character named Penny (chortle) who carefully guided me through the process of dumping metal down a hole. But before it told me how much money I had it asked that I guess. Because if I guessed within two dollars in either direction, I got a prize! I guessed $50. But I am the worst estimater in the world, so in reality I typed in $30. Before I pressed enter, I noticed a loose penny wedged in part of the machinery. So I tapped that in, pressed enter and waited for my fortune.

The receipt came out. $30.01. That last penny made me miss an exact guess.

Of course, I won my prize...a plastic red C (for Commerce) shaped piggy bank, which I haven't used. Still, I can't help but wonder what might have been had I guessed my total exactly. Two red C's? Three? I can only dream.

The only reason I mention this is because I did it again today, guessed $18.30 and had $41.71. I'm so stupid!

Zachary Sucks!

Fresh from the MSN Family newswire:

The Top 10 Baby Names of 2004 (vs. 2003)

Girls' names
1. Emma (Emily)
2. Madison (Emma)
3. Emily (Madison)
4. Kaitlyn (Hannah)
5. Hailey (Hailey)
6. Olivia (Sarah)
7. Isabella (Kaitlyn)
8. Hannah (Isabella)
9. Sarah (Olivia)
10. Abigail (Abigail)

Boys' names
1. Jacob (Jacob)
2. Aidan (Aidan)
3. Ethan (Ethan)
4. Ryan (Matthew)
5. Matthew (Nicholas)
6. Michael (Joshua)
7. Tyler (Ryan)
8. Joshua (Michael)
9. Nicholas (Zachary)
10. Connor (Tyler)

I feel a bit conflicted about Emma's displacing of Emily as the new #1 for girls. You see, Emma is my golden retriever's name. And Emily is my cousin's name. And on a side note, I actually like the name Sofia better than both Emma and Emily. And Sofia, interestingly enough, is the name of my cousin Emily's cat. And Emma the dog and Sofia the cat may have met before. But to be honest, I can't say that for certain.

Amusingly, I found this story in the Baby & Pregnancy subsection of the MSN Family website, where they have this decent baby-naming game-like thing. BE WARNED: There may be an ad with a freaky growing fetus and a huge safety pin.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

MoMA

So I went to MoMA today for the first time. It was beautiful and quite enjoyable. My traveling companion was my friend Kay who not only is an art history major but also has a great sense of humor. This means I could ask her about art while at the same time make fun of art. Here are some of the more ignorant things we said:

-that looks like the candy buttons attached to paper that I used to get as a kid
-it's like a dollhouse
-I could've done that
-I made that
-I've written the word "Jazz" on paper too
-(about a self-portrait) That looks like the guy from Queer Eye
-(about a self-portrait) He's ugly
-That's the most shallow thing I've ever seen
-This offends me
-I hate this
-I hate you because you spit on that first when I wanted to spit on it first
-THIS IS BULLSHIT
-(about a Picasso) Who's that?

And I spoke in a French accent whenever I looked at a piece by someone French. Well, not EVERY time. Often though.

Chris Makes Good!

This got lost in the New Years shuffle*, and I'm sure in a certain sense Chris might have wished it did, but check it out:

Somers grad serious about comedy troupe

For the record, Chris said MR. Show, not MAN Show.

*Once I finish writing it, "New Years Shuffle" is going to be bigger than "1999." Mark my words.

Stupid Muscle Memory

I just spent nearly an hour at Citibank trying to resolve a PIN related problem. Given Elephant Larry's recent history of identity theft, and our blog readership's probable dislike for boring bank transaction words, I'll spare all of the superboring details.

Bascially, I was having trouble signing onto Citi's website and the dude on the Customer Service hotline told me I had to go in person to fix it. So I did. But when I got to the bank, even Nancy (my new Citibank friend) couldn't figure it out. First I entered my PIN on the little PIN-giver typepad. Then on her keyboard. Then again on the typepad. And then on the keyboard. And about two more times after that. But it wouldn't let me in.

Nancy even had to call the Citibank Customer Service hotline to get help for both of us. I told her that she should probably have access to a direct Citibank Employee line or something. She agreed. Then she admitted this PIN problem was actually pretty common.

In the end, Nancy scrapped the whole thing and just gave me a new PIN. She told me to type it into the typepad, which I did, and then the keyboard, which was the moment when I realized the source of our stupid stupid stupid PIN-entering problem and why it should have only taken five minutes to help me out.

The type pad looks just like the screen for all Citi-ATMs. It looks like:

1 2 3
4 5 6
7 8 9
. 0 .

And normal computer keyboards look like:

7 8 9
4 5 6
1 2 3
. 0 .

And since my human brain remembers my PIN by pure muscle memory, I didn't even notice the difference. I told Nancy, shared a good laugh, and then I robbed the bank.

Bonus detail: On the way out, I saw five guys, one in a Hooters uniform, vigorously pushing and pulling a heavy cart up a ramp. It was loaded with about 30 boxes of Hooters Hot Wing Sauce, and they were all working together (1,2,3 PULL! 1,2,3 PULL!) to get it into a parking garage. Totally surreal.

The Ides of January

New feature on the website, check it out:

The Ides of January

Ha, ha. Holidays funny.

Alex's Book Club: Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs

Chapter 2: Billy Sim

I realized recently that my patience level is extremely low. I know, good old low key, chilled out, pot-smoking Alex? Bear with me, friends.

In particular, I noticed this while playing Grand Theft Auto. Although there are plenty of missions in the game where you have to out-run the cops, or have a limited amount of time to rob three banks, most missions aren’t on a set timer. And, in fact, you’re better served to take them slowly. That way, you don’t damage your car, attract the attention of cops, etc.

Here’s the problem, though. After spending about five minutes carefully driving through town, stopping at stop lights, pausing to let pedestrians cross the street, etc, I can’t take it anymore. Even if it means I fail the mission, I invariably start speeding through town, smushing people on the side walk or machine gunning tanker trucks. It’s just more fun.

I had the same problem way back when SimCity came out. Once you figure out the formula for a successful city (three industrial zones, three commercial zones, a power plant, and for goodness sake, only use railroads!), the game is a breeze. That’s why I’d fully populate my city, and then destroy it. Utterly and completely. Usually hitting it with an earthquake, tornado, and a monster attack all at the same time.

This is how I have fun.

And, this is why the Sims never appealed to me. Having a dude who’s just like me, or my friends, then getting him to sleep and walk around… I have no need for a personalized Tamagotchi. I actually had a Tamagotchi once, but I got tired of feeding it after three meals, and starved it to death.

So the idea of getting sucked into a game whose sole purpose is to watch someone else live seems unreasonable to me.

What does this have to do with Chuck Klosterman, you say? Well, person, the second chapter of his book deals with The Sims, and how he creates a Sim-Chuck, finding it basically acts just like him. In fact, he learns absolutely nothing about himself from Sim-Chuck (which he postulates is the point of the game).

He does, however, reveal that you can make Sims happy by buying them consumer goods, and as he has no use for consumer goods, finds this to be an aggravating function of the game.

I love consumer goods, in case that wasn’t readily apparent. The idea that I can play a game that will allow me to go shopping has just made The Sims rocket to the top of my must-buy list.

I realize there’s no book criticism here. It was a well written, funny chapter. I agree completely with his idea that people are intrinsically unable to see themselves for who they are. Now I have to go buy myself sim-presents.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Superman's Pal - Jimmy Olsen

I'm not always in love with everything i-mockery does, but this piece is just perfectly written:

Superman's Pal - Jimmy Olsen

I guess I've just read way too many comics, but the covers are hilarious to me not just because they're ridiculous, but also because they're uncannily acurate representations of the absolute worst so many comic books have to offer.

Hall of Fame

So Wade Boggs and Ryne Sandberg were voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame today, and excellent picks they both were. It was Ryne's third year of elligibility which seems like a long time considering he was the best 2B in baseball for a decade, but hey, he made it.

Who didn't make it is kind of ridiculous to me. Bert Blyleven ended his career with the third most strikeouts in Major League history (as a pitcher, so that's a good thing). He also ended with 287 wins. Now, the "magic number" for victories getting you into the HoF is 300. He came up 13 short. I wonder if the baseball writers (who vote on things like this) maybe thought for a split-second at all that perhaps one of the reasons for that was that he played on the TERRIBLE TERRIBLE MINNESOTA TWINS. He should be in.

Also, Goose Gossage. When people talk about intimidating pitchers, Gossage is one of the first people they mention. He is easily one of the best relief pitchers in Major League history. Unfortunately, the baseball writers have yet to recognize the importance of relief pitchers just yet, as they have only elected two that I can think of (Fingers, Eckersley).

Ah well. The debut headliners for next year's ballot are Dwight Gooden, Orel Hershiser and Will Clark. Maybe Goose and Bert will make it in for lack of better options.

And no, I didn't forget about Andrew Dawson and Jim Rice. You can keep 'em.

EL in Chicago Magazine

Chicago Magazine did a nice little side-bar on the Chicago SketchFest, and we got mentioned as one of the Top 5 groups to see. Here's the text, with a link to the graphic:

"Not long out of college, this young all-male New York quintet has been winning awards and fans with brainy, breakneck humor. Laugh at one gag and you might miss the next!"

Not long out of college! Darel Jevens, are you flirting with me?

I'll mention the other groups on the list here, cause in the graphic they seemed to be, ummm... covered. Somehow.

1. Bald Faced Lie
2. Superpunk
3. Octa-Sketch
4. 3rd Floor
5. Elephant Larry

Hey, I'll take #5 out of 83 any day.

Top Gamecube Games

When you surf through blogger enough, you come across Blogs written by robots:

If you've spent any time online looking for game cube xbox ps2, you've undoubtedly seen advertisements plastered all over the Web. Companies large and small pay for game cube xbox ps2 ad banners and links to their websites from other companies' websites. Advertising rates vary wildly, depending on the site and its audience.

That's from Roger at "Top GameCube Games." It's actually pretty funny if you scroll down, because the blog is just variations on the same post, with various search engine searches plugged into it.

But you gotta respect Roger. He averages 127 posts a week, and has written over three thousand posts, total. That's a powerhorse writer for you.

I'm a 1950's housewife!

I've had previous concerns about this before, but I'm pretty sure that I confirmed today that I am indeed a 1950's housewife.

Here's why: after discovering that I was a victim of identity theft (a decidedly un-1950's thing to do, but I digress), I spoke to the vendor that received my faulty charges, then the bank, and then finally the police. The police dispatcher took some information from me and then told me that she was sending an officer to my house right away. I didn't expect that for some reason; I guess I thought they could take my report over the phone. But I said, "okay" and hung up.

Immediately, it occurred to me that I need to fight back against this whole identity theft thing by going about my normal life, business as usual. I wanted to appear completely calm and collected. So what do I do? Without stoppping to think, I change out of my sleeping clothes and put on respectable pants. Then I put on a fresh pot of coffee. Then, I started cooking oatmeal the old-fashioned way. On the stove. The kind that takes 45 minutes. Because, apparently, whenever the local constable is in the neighborhood, I should be prepared to meet him in my nicest garb, with a pot of fresh coffee and hot porridge.

Why do I do these things? I mean, I like oatmeal, and I wanted to make it anyway, but for the love of Pete, I had just been robbed. This was no time for oatmeal.

To my own amusement, I immediately become embarassed the whole thing when the policeman came over. I tried not to draw attention to the enormous pot of oatmeal steaming on the stove. Howevber, I still felt like it was appropriate to offer him coffee. I just got really nervous about it. I waited until 20 minutes into the report before I finally stammered out, "Would you like some fresh coffee?" Fortunately, the kind officer knew the whole 1950's routine down pat. "No, thanks, I'm fine," he replied politely. But as I sauntered over to the pot to pour myself a cup, he stood up and added, "You know what? That smells great. I will take half a cup, thanks!" And so our old-fashioned coffee ritual was complete. And I felt really really awkward. At least I didn't try to seduce him.

Does anyone else feel like they have to act exactly like they're in some kind of old-fashioned crime movie whenever they're talking to a cop? Also, are there any other guys out there that act like 1950's housewives when they're nervous? Alex, help me out here.

Delicious Library

This product is a combination of things I don't have, with things I don't need, and yet...

Delicious Library

Its an app. for the Mac that utilizes your iSight camera as a bar-scan reader. It then coordinates with Amazon.com to catalogue your entire media library (CDs, DVDs, Books, Holographic Hentai Porn) to put together a cute little iTunes style library on your Mac.

1) Who has an iSight?
2) Once I've catalogued all of my media, who will care?

It certainly seems well designed, and from a company named Delicious Monster, its hard to resist. But what exactly is the point of this program. I know lots of people have an immense amount of CDs and DVDs, but really, can you not remember everything you own? If you've gotten to the point where you're obsessive enough to own hundreds of DVD movies, you've probably already catalogued them in your head, and motorized roll out display case, so what's the use?

The only possible use I can see for this program is people who sell lots of items on eBay, or Amazon zShops. In that case, yes, this is a helpful item, it makes you into a more organized little store. But as a consumer product, I'm not sold.

And seriously, its really easy to sell me on cool applications, so better luck next time, Delicious Monster!

Gadget Madness Reviewed This Product

Oh the memories...

Nintendo Power was the first magazine I ever subscribed to. I would wait and wait and wait for it to arrive every month. And upon seeing all the old covers just now, I instantly remembered every single weird claymation figure. So weird. And man, issue #3 looks so lame.

Also found this cool little walkthrough of the very first issue. Remember that stupid "Powerline to the Pros" ad? That was like my dream job: Nintendo Pro. Fuck astronauts.

For the record, I think I made it up to issue #35 or so. I don't really recognize the covers after that. Must be when I started liking sports and girls and popularity. Oh wait no, that wasn't me.

Funny, Funny Blogger

So I just went to the profile section of Blogger in order to make my general information available to the public, and noticed something kinda fun. At the very bottom, after all the stuff about birthdays & occupation and all that, you have the option of including an answer to a "Random Question." The Random Question they had was:

"If you drive on a parkway why don't they make the whole plane out of that?"

Which I blinked at for a second, before realizing that that's actually very funny. You can also repeatedly save your profile for more hilarious "Random Questions," some of which I found charmingly stupid, including my current favorite: "Your love potion tastes terrible. How are you going to drink it?"

I love jokes where I don't expect there to be jokes. It's like people hide away little tidbits for you to find and enjoy.

Monday, January 03, 2005

"There is more to true appreciation than just knowing what you like"

A.O. Scott (my man) writes about Sideways in today’s NY Times and how it’s way overrated. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen it. And I don’t think I ever will. It’s been kind of fascinating to witness all the critical hype and praise from afar, though the film's always seemed sort of boring and marketed towards a non-me-demographic. Disagree all you want. That’s my initial, uninformed opinion and I’m irrationally sticking to it. Maybe that's why I liked the article.

Plus, there's a piece on SNL too. Hooray!

I Bet Matt Christopher Would Reject These Book Titles

Pinch Runner with No Legs
Albino in the Outfield
The Pitcher with No Balls
Retarded Catcher
The Dog that Killed the Pitcher
Second Base with Susie Jacobs
The Year Mom Won the Pennant and Left Dad
The Kid Who Only Hit Homos

Alex's Book Club: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Chapter 1: This is Emo

I actually didn’t know what Emo was for a very long time. When the Skits-O-Phrenics recently did a sketch called “Emo Club,” I had no idea what that meant.

Does that mean I’m getting old? Probably. I am eating more peanut brittle, so who knows.

In this chapter, CK introduces what is a recurring theme in his book: the thin line between fiction and reality.

In this case, we’re talking about how romantic movies, and in particular “Say Anything” and “When Harry Met Sally,” have determined how we view our romantic ideals.

Frankly? Its true. This is a discussion I’ve had three thousand times with people, usually utilizing the phrase, “Movie Love,” to describe it. And of course, it sounds great. The phrase romantic ideal has the word ideal in it for a reason.

CK makes a good point that perhaps this has ruined our current interactions with love. For girls, you’re not looking for a guy, you’re looking for John Cusack playing Lloyd Dobler. And guys are looking for their female friends to fall in love with them.

This is actively true. Every female I know is in love with Lloyd Dobler. Every guy I know is in love with their female friends. Chuck Klosterman makes a very good case that there is no way this is going to work out.

In the real world, he argues, our romantic entanglements don’t last for 93 minutes, they stretch on for weeks and months. The pat dialogue that we’ve perfected date in and date out? That runs out, eventually. And then, so does the relationship.

However, and I want to stress that you’re going to hate me by the end of this paragraph, and maybe even this run-on sentence, this is the whining of a lonely singleton.

It’s certainly something I’ve felt before, and discussed ad naseum. But as a person who is very happy with the relationship I’m currently in (although I wrote this well in advance, I can actually feel your collective eyes rolling right now), I can tell you that once you get out of the movie love phase, there are other things that take its place.

I used to be unhealthily obsessed with movies and television. That’s a lie. I’m still unhealthily obsessed. Yesterday, though, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows ever, “Cupid,” with my girlfriend.

“Cupid,” in case you’ve never seen it (and as it was cancelled after five months, so literally billions of people have not seen it), is about a guy named Trevor Hale who thinks he’s Cupid. Or, he may actually be Cupid. It’s unclear. But basically, he’s a romantic idealist, and he’s in the care of a psychologist, Dr. Claire Allen, who’s a romantic realist. Hilarity ensues!

Actually, it does, every single episode is a goddamn brilliant romantic comedy, wonderfully written, acted, directed… It’s a great show that was killed way, way, way too early.

But I have to admit… Watching the show, I still loved the craft that went into making it, and still loved the characters who are played by B-List celebrities, appear each week, fall into true love, and are never heard from again. I loved every second of it, but I couldn’t help compare it to hanging out on a couch all day with my girlfriend.

The romantic reality was NOTHING compared to the romantic fantasy we were watching on TV. I mean, nothing. We slept most of the day, got up, sat on a couch, and mostly didn’t talk. But it was also better than anything that was happening on TV.

I’m not trying to brag here, I’m just saying that at a certain point in a relationship, CK’s argument ceases to hold water.

Romantic reality would make a very boring movie, though.

(No worries, by the way, I’m going to leave this particular thread of discussion behind in the next chapter. Sorry about all this.)

Alex's Book Club: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Yeah, yeah, I know I never finished my review of "The Da Vinci Code," and shouldn't be moving on to other books. Finish what I've started, you say! Well, here, let me ruin the book for you:

The Holy Grail is actually Mary Magdalene's bones, and proof that she was Jesus' wife and partner, not a prozzy. Also included are instructions on how to actually implement Christianity, not that stupid no women thing they currently use.

Oh, and you know what? Our heroes NEVER FIND THE HOLY GRAIL. Well, they find out where it is, but they don't look at it, or reveal it to the world, or anything. Far be it from an author to shake up reality in his FICTIONAL WORLD.

I died five times while reading that book.

In any case, on to something good.

So somebody, probably Chris or Stefan, left "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto," at my apartment after New Years. I think they left it either accidentally, or on purpose for my girlfriend to borrow. But oops, now I'm reading it.

1) This book, I think, was written specifically for me. Well, not for me, but if you're currently reading an online web log from a sketch comedy group, you'll be able to relate to this book.

2) This is the kind of writing that makes me annoyed I didn't write it. Or at least, the kind of writing I like to think I produce, but is really much better than anything I could bang out.

3) Its really funny. Like, LOL funny. But maybe not ROTFL funny.

Chuck Klosterman is a writer for Spin, among other noteworthy publications, and therefore, is unhealthy obsessed with pop culture. And, like most of us, has spent an exceedingly long period of time discussing and analyzing the minutiae of pop culture. But, perhaps differently from most of us, he’s actually taken the time to write a book about it.

Personally, I found most of his discussions fascinating, so I want to take the time to discuss each chapter individually. And since that means a very long post, I’m going to break up my review that way. By chapters. So there you go.

If you’re playing along at home, and want to discuss in the comments section, please do. But please only talk about the specific chapters, cause we don’t want to ruin the plot twists for everybody else, do we?

(In the Da Vinci Code, the cripple is also the bad guy manipulating everything, but it actually makes no difference to the plot anyway. Also, there's no plot. I hated that book, and I hate everybody who has ever read it, including myself.)